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I'm thinking about committing suicide


Guest arctic_vixen80

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Guest arctic_vixen80

I suffer from sensory motor OCD and I'm always aware of my swallowing. This awareness has made me feel very depressed and suicidal as I can't get away from it.

I've been researching methods of suicide and feel like I have nothing to live for any more with this constant awareness of swallowing. I just feel I'm broken, beyond repair and damaged.

Another thing that's got me down is my psychiatrist prescribed me risperidone and as soon as I started taking it my sex drive and all feelings disappeared and this has made me feel even more depressed. I've come off riperidone now but my sex drive hasn't come back. I worried it's permanent. The riperidone was helping a bit though so maybe I should have stayed on it despite the sex drive.

If my sex drive doesn't come back it means I can never have a man in my life which will make life feel even less worth living.

I just wanna be normal and it frustrates me that I can't be like everyone else.

My mind is constantly whirling with thoughts about swallowing and not being able to have sex.

I'm being referred to a specialised place in London for treatment but I feel like it will never work and that I can't wait much longer.

I dunno what to do. I feel awful right now.

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Hi arctic_vixen80,

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I've had moments similar where I really didn't think anything would help.

And far be it from me to be a cheerleader but I've had recent cause for optimism that I didn't think would work.

You've been a big help to many people here. Please know that you're not alone.

Paul

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Guest LauraMac

I'm sorry things are so hard for you but don't give up, it's your life not OCD's. As Legend says take one day at a time. It's positive you're getting treatment soon, keep focused on the good that will do. OCD can be beaten, keep fighting. Here anytime you need support.

Laura x

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Hi Arctic

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time just now. Many years ago I had a problem with swallowing, permanent lump in my throat which was diagnosed as globus hystericus, an anxiety problem. I don't have it now and haven't had for many, many years. As with all anxiety/OCD symptoms it's an exaggerated response to a problem our minds fix upon and we have to learn to become un-bothered by it, just as we do with all other intrusive thoughts. The chances are you're constantly checking in some way or another.

If you're feeling truly suicidal you must talk to someone, your family, your GP, a friend asap.

I'm being referred to a specialised place in London for treatment but I feel like it will never work and that I can't wait much longer

I suffered for 20 years prior to diagnosis so I'm testament to the fact that we can cope despite the horrible thoughts and fears. It's great that you've got this referral, hang in there and take that help.

Caramoole :hug:

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Guest arctic_vixen80

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I've been trying to take one day at a time but I have so many worries whirling around my head about the future. I'm worried because I'm 33 and haven't settled down with anyone yet. I still live at home with my parents because I can't cope with things. Now I've lost my sex drive and I don't think it's ever coming back due to taking risperidone. I'm worried that risperidone has permanently damaged me.

This swallowing problem has been bad for a year now and I just feel like I can't go on any more. Feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I dunno how I'm suppose to stop being scared of it.

Everyday I'm at home with nothing to do and lately been spending my days in bed. Before Christmas I was able to get up and do things even though I suffer with this but it's just got on top of me now and I can't take it any more.

I don't think I can go on much longer. All I want is to well again but I don't see how that can happen.

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Hi Arctic. Don't worry about being single at 33 - that's young. I couldn't have any relationships till I was almost 35, now I've been with my bloke for 3 years. I was absolutely sure I'd be alone forever. If it can happen for me it can happen for you too.

It might not be just the meds that have made you lose your sex drive, it could be down to anxiety and depression as well. I reckon it will come back when you get started on your treatment. I hope you get your appointment soon.

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Hello Vixen

I could relate to so much of what you'd said, I really could. I too have been feeling damaged beyond repair and I've also been afraid of a future with no-one by my side because of the effects of the OCD. So, I understand exactly what you mean.

I'm sorry you're feeling the side-effects of the tablets so much. The side-effects of medication can be very daunting; I have very vivid dreams due to being on Prozac. If you give it a little while - because it takes some time to leave the system - I'm sure you're be alright again. :)

All I can advise is: don't worry about the future and about meeting someone. I know it's easier said than done, but if you worry about what could happen, then you'll just hurt yourself. No-one knows; no-one. And if someone doesn't understand the side-effects of your medication that you're using to help yourself, then they're not worth your time. It's about more than sex-drive, it's about love. And some couples don't have sex at all, because it's not their cup of tea.

If you're seriously considering ending your life, talk to someone. I'm in a very similar boat to you, and I know it's hard, but do make yourself heard. Everything's alright.

C x

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Guest LauraMac

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I've been trying to take one day at a time but I have so many worries whirling around my head about the future.

I've felt like there's no light at the end of the tunnel so many times, but there's is. Small steps gets us there, sometimes there's set back (I know all about them!!) but there is hope Arctic. I just wanted to show you this blog post I wrote about Hope, it might help you out a bit. http://wp.me/p44Cxn-v

Laura x

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Guest arctic_vixen80

Thank you Legalseagull. I guess I still have time to meet someone. I don't think I'm ready to be in a relationship at the moment. If I ever get better then I wanna be with someone.

My sex drive was fine until I started taking risperidone. I also worry that it could be the fluoxetine causing it but think it happened when I started taking risperidone.

Thanks for your reply cub. Sorry to hear you feel damaged beyond repair to. It's a horrible feeling.

I'm hoping my sex drive will return. I've had to go back on the risperidone as I wasn't coping.

Yeah it doesn't help to worry about the future. I hope I can find someone who will love me despite the medication side effects with my sex drive.

Thanks for your reply Laura. I need to take it a step at a time. I will read your blog.

x0x

Edited by arctic_vixen80
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Hi Arctic Vixen and all.

I've had bad times when suddenly, from a strong position, a trigger spooked my OCD and, from being near the top of the ladder, I seemed to keep sliding down all the snakes on the board and back to the bottom - I tried to break my fall' grab a ladder, but I failed.

So I've concentrated on not letting triggers spook me, so I don't commence the slide - I've been retraining my mind to heal the breakdown of automatic transmission between the parts of the frontal lobes in the brain that cause the trouble.

My breakthrough in this process came from reading the book "Brainlock" and I have discovered another brilliant book "Break Free from OCD" -see shop on OCD-Uk site.

The latter works through our various types of OCD why and how they affect us and offers a CBT solution.

From my own experience and knowing what the guidance from these books can give,my own hope has risen greatly.

Understanding,patience and persistence together with shared fellowship will bring us solutions - its just a question of finding the right ingredients then keep trying methods of baking the cake till it comes out right.

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Guest arctic_vixen80

That's good that those books were able to help you Taurean. I've read Brainlock and found some of it helpful but not really sure how I can use it on sensory motor OCD. I hope I can find the right method for treating this OCD.

I've been a bit better today. I think because I went out. Some of the anxiety is starting to return though. I think I might do a bit of meditation.

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Hi Arctic Vixen,

I'm pleased you went out and that helped.

I love meditation, it calms me down and helps me sleep.

I don't know anything about the sensory motor OCD - other than forum user Penny who has major problems constantly grinds her teeth - may that be similar?

Not sure how to find out about it, but I'll give it a go- as it's OCD there must be some neurological pathway issue behind it I would think, but what and how, I don't know. If I discover anything that might be of use, I'll be in touch. I'll check out my stock of OCD and CBT books first to see if there is any guidance there.

Enjoy the meditation - if you mind slips back to your problems /issues, just calmly note that then quitely and slowly turn it back to the subject of the meditation.

Best regards

Roy

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Hello Artic Vixen.

I now understand the nature of your sensory motor OCD. Swallowing is one of a number of manifestations, and there are variances as to what type of thoughts accompany the process, if any.

I note that you are being referred to a specialised place for treatment, but that you are not confident of success which is another contributor to your depression, I am sure.

But from what I found out there is plenty of chance for success through an appropriate CBT solution geared to your particular elements of the sensory motor problem.

So I would suggest you go into the therapy with a positive not negative bias. Look to engage with the therapist who will of course want nothing more than to help you, and be really open with him or her as to exactly how your sensory issues manifest themselves - don't hold back anything - that information is definitely needed to tweak the treatment. Like many CBT approaches for mental and physical rituals, it will involve exposures and response prevention (ERP)- there will be initial distress (but you have that anyway so hey) and there is no gain without some pain in ERP, but it is a tremendously successful treatment for OCD in all sorts of manifestations

I would think that if you can make good progress with the CBT on the sensory motor swallowing, this will give you a real lift to then turn your attention towards forming a nice rewarding relationship.

I never got started on that until I was 30, and married at 34 - not far away from where you are -, so there is still plenty of time for you to look forward to seeking a partner.

Let us know how you get on.

And do please take on board all the advice from the others in their above posts - we all care about you enormously.

All the best

Roy

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I totally understand how you're feeling AV&I'm very sorry to hear how tough it has been for you.I know when you're feeling like this not much or really nothing does tend to help you&all you can do is try your best.But you will come through this I know you will,33 is extremely still very young and you'll get better in no time&I'm sure one good thing on top will happen to you deservedly when you start to feel better gradually.

I know how it is feeling so low and in my times getting out of bed was such a task and you struggle to even do that also.Bit by bit just try to do your best and do whatever it takes as best you can&try whatever it takes and leave no stone unturned as there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for you no doubt :original: .

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Guest arctic_vixen80

Thanks for your reply Roy.

Thanks for researching sensory motor OCD.

It's kinda similar I guess to Penny's problem grinding teeth.

I like meditation but sometimes I haven't got the motivation or patients to do it. I get very bored just sitting there. I have a few meditation CDs and sometimes listen to the meditations on youtube.

My psychiatrist has referred me to the centre for anxiety disorders and trauma in London. I just feel like there's nothing that can help me with this, except if someone was erase all these fear memories about swallowing. It does make me feel very depressed.

I will try and be positive but finding that so hard. I will definitely engage with the therapist and tell them everything about my sensory motor OCD. I really hope the therapy gets me better.

Thanks for your reply ACE.

I really hope I can come through this.

I guess at 33 I feel I should be settled down and starting a family by now but I know you can have a relationship any time in your life.

x0x

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Dear AV you're very welcome please don't ever try to feel bad about struggling to feel positive as when you're so depressed positivity&optimism would have to be one of the most hardest&difficult things in the world to be able to do as your mind is so clouded.All the things that distress you make perfect sense I know it&everyone on here knows it,try your best to be kind to yourself ok I know you can&will get better that is a certainty I know right now it seems impossible and it makes perfect sense to feel like that :original: .

I think you can only try your best and say things like I know I'm 33 that is still so young&I'll get better I know it's hard to see right now&I can settle down anytime&that will happen and when thinbgs start turning around for me they will&one thing on top of another will happen for the better for me.Right now this is so hard to see but when it does happen I'll be seeing all the fruits of me trying so hard for so long :original: .

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Guest arctic_vixen80

It is so hard to feel positive right now. I really want to be able to but I just feel like there's nothing that can help me. I can't imagine how I'm gonna get better but I hope it's possible.

True I can settle down any time.

Last few days I've been constantly thinking about suicide and ways to do it. Just feel completely hopeless and fed up with the constant awareness of swallowing. I went out for a bit and walked my friend's, Mum's dog but I just couldn't enjoy myself with the constant awareness of swallowing.

Yesterday I spoke to my brother and he said I'm letting life pass me by. He said I should seek employment anyway and just put up with the swallowing but I just can't cope with a job right now.

I'm really struggling to get through each day. x

Edited by arctic_vixen80
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Guest Jules123

Hi arctic

I am new here and have been reading some of your posts and it really prompted me to join today. I also have Sensorimotor OCD. Mine is the breathing kind. It's a long story so I won't go into every detail but mine was prompted by a panic attack last year. About a week after it happened, I realised that I couldn't stop thinking about my breathing and this threw me into the highest state of anxiety I've ever had in my life. Even prompting me to go to the doctor's for lung function tests which all came out fine. My dad had died the year before and I also lost my job 6 weeks before it all kicked off so I was pretty much sitting at home all the time alone (partner at work all day) focusing more and more on my breathing and it just seemed to embed itself further and further. I stopped talking to my friends and going out anywhere because I couldn't bear the fact that I couldn't enjoy myself and couldn't get the thoughts about breathing out of my head.

I have had minimal success with therapy and that's a long story too and I do think it's difficult to find a therapist that knows enough about this OCD. My therapist at the moment doesn't particularly know much about this OCD but where he has really helped me is getting me to live my life despite the OCD. I thought at the beginning that I would never be able to hold down a job again and I had a couple of temping jobs that I had to leave after a week because I just couldn't bear it. I've just started another job and I've managed to get through 3 weeks as I do at least get some distractions. For me sitting at home just became unbearable! So perhaps your brother has a good point.

Anyway, I don't want to ramble on too much for my first post but just wanted to let you know that I can relate to how you are feeling and you are not alone. I have days when I feel a bit more positive and the OCD bothers me less, and then other days when I really think this is it for the rest of my life. On a positive note, I truly still believe though that getting the right therapy will make all the difference so please hang on in there! Do not give your life to OCD!

Don't know whether you've already read this article by Jonathan Grayson bit you may find it useful

http://ocdphiladelphia.com/the-cruelest-obsession-obsessing-about-obsessing/

Sent from my iPad

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Again, Vixen, I could have written everything you wrote; I consider how I could commit suicide and I'm so sorry you feel the same because it really is horrible, feeling there's nothing that can help you.

I know what you mean about feeling unable to cope with a job right now. May I ask, as a long shot, do you do any volunteering? It would help you out of the house and it might prove to be that crucial first step. Just a couple of hours a week, a bit of a dry run perhaps? Don't feel you have to, it's just a thought.

I completely understand what you mean by the struggle and I am always here to talk, if you need.

C x

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Guest Gasspanicc

arctic listen to wat everyone has to say, it gets better everyday little by little, it doesnt just go away over night. there always a way to cope :)

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Guest Tabatha

As a psychiatric nurse I can assure you that your sex drive will return, but it may take time. Presently you are experiencing a lot of anxiety and low mood which could also contribute to you low sex drive. I am presently in treatment at the Centre for Anxiety Disorders in London. They are very caring and I'm certain they will help you.

Hang in there. You are doing all the right things. One day at a time. Sending massive hugs and a cup of tea in your direction xx

:flowers2:

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Guest arctic_vixen80

Thank you Jules for your reply. Sorry to hear you've had the breathing one. Mine all started off from the breathing. I also had a panic attack but I thought I had forgotten how to breath naturally. It was months before I realised I could breath naturally but it still really scared me how I couldn't stop being aware of it when I wanted too. It spread to blinking and swallowing. The swallowing one has been the worse. Over the years I've managed to not be bothered by the blinking one. Breathing still bothers me a bit but I hardly ever think about it now.

Sorry to hear about your Dad and losing your job. That must have been very tough for you. I find it impossible to enjoy myself any more. It's just constantly there.

That's good you had a bit of success with therapy. Yeah sensory motor OCD isn't very well known. I had one really good therapist who helped me with the breathing one. I've learned that you have to accept the awareness and not let it bother you. If it doesn't bother you, it goes away.

Cub, it's an awful feeling. I feel so afraid all the time and fed up with this constant awareness of swallowing. I don't wanna commit suicide but if things don't get better, I can't live like this.

Sometimes I go to this dog rescue place and take dogs for walks. I've started walking my friend's Mum's dog sometimes too. I see friends but I find it impossible to enjoy myself.

Thanks Gasspanic. It feels like it's not really been going away. It's been bad for over a year now and I keep wondering how it's gonna get better.

Thanks for your reply Tabatha. I really hope my sex drive will come back. It's been freaking me out as well.

That's good that the people at the Centre for Anxiety Disorders are so caring. I hope they can help me but I wonder what on earth they could possibly do to help me.

Thanks for the hugs and tea.

Each day I'm finding it hard to cope with the constant awareness of swallowing, I feel afraid, like I wanna scream, I feel I'm in hell. I just wanna be well and normal like other people.

x0x

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:hug: I know exactly what you mean about feeling scared all the time and not being able to carry on. It's okay. You're clearly doing your best; what you do for those dogs is wonderful! :)

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Guest arctic_vixen80

:hug: Thanks Cub. Sorry to hear you've had that feeling of being scared and finding it hard to carry on too. It's a horrible feeling. I just don't know how long I can go on like this.

I'm worried I won't be able to carry on long enough to wait for the treatment. I've been scared about the awareness of swallowing since I was 18 and I wonder how they can change that. I also wonder why other people aren't scared of it. I wish I could be like them.

Yeah I like walking the dogs. The dogs cheer me up a bit sometimes. I started walking my friend's, Mum's dog recently and she's very friendly and affectionate.

x0x

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