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Constantly worrying about the past


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Ever since yesterday after my CBT appointment, I've been constantly worrying about things that have happened in my past and it's really getting me down, it's making me feel like a really disgusting person and I just can't cope anymore.

I remember being around 13/14 and there was 2 other girls there, one much younger than me and one a year older than me.

The younger girl was around 9/10 and the older girl was 14/15.

Anyway, we were all in the younger girls room, playing as you do when you're young but we decided to play this game where we would like pretend to have sex with each other I guess. Fully clothed obviously but what I remember is, I said I didn't want to be the one to pretend to be having sex with one of them so I think the other 2 pretended to have sex with us if that makes sense.

Like, first it was the older girl pretending to have sex with me and the younger girl and then the younger girl pretending to have sex with me and the older girl.

I know it was a dumb game and I could hardly say it was pretending to have sex, more like just bouncing up and down on one another but I can't stop thinking about, I feel disgusting. I know it was like 10 year ago but I can't but feel very depressed about it.

I still know both girls, who are now 25 and 19. Hardly talk to them but they're on my Facebook. It annoys me so much that the other older girl doesn't remember or constantly worry about this and I hate it. I'm sick of my life.

Also worrying about another memory from when I was younger, I was sleeping over at the younger girls grandmas house with another girl who was a year younger than the younger girl. So I was about 13, younger girl was 8/9 and the other girl was 7/8.

I just remember me and then youngest girl were lying in bed talking about god knows what and all I can remember is her tickling my belly and then me tickling her belly, which makes me feeling digusting, I know it was just tickling but wtf? we must've liked it and that freaks me out :(

Please help me, I'm in bits here and I can't cope.

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just a thought, these other girls may also feel the same, the eldest may feel a little more embarassed as she would of understood what was going on more than yourself & the younger girl. But they may also feel disgusting, I can't imagine it is something any of you would bring back up.

Dont feel disgusting though, we have all played games when we were younger, it is innocent.

And tickling bellies is fine, my little girl sits and gets her older sister to tickle her back all the time. It's affection in one way I guess.

It's good you have talked about it on here though, I found typing my thoughts out helped a little. Makes you feel a little less strange when someone replies aswel doesn't it? :original:

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I just can't get them out of my head, it's making me feel horrible and I've had this constant feeling of 'I've done something wrong' and I can't shake it off. It's always worse when my daughter is at her dads. I feel like I panic and worry more and I'm trying not to.

I want to tell my CBT therapist but I'm scared she'll think I'm disgusting and a bad person. Yeah, I was 14 but at 14 I should know better? Obviously I didn't and I didn't know then how much of an impact past memories would have on my life right now and in the future.

All I want to do is forget the past and concentrate on the future but that's hard to do.

Thank you for replying, pottypotter.

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I remember another thing when I was 13, my brothers friend who was 8 at the time, said to me when a certain song comes on, I'm gonna have sex with you...

We were close friends even though the age gap was quite big, the song came on and he went to and I kind of let him aswell but I guess I realised and was like what no and chucked him out but from that day for a long time we used to call him a rapist which is disgusting and if I could take it back I would, he didn't do anything to me and if he did, it's not like he would've been cause if I hadn't of realised then that wouldn't make him a rapist.

I keep trying to remember everything from my past and every time I do, I break down. How could I ever do that to someone? I doubt I even knew what rapist really meant then but still, that's one of the worst things I could've done, it could've made his life a living hell. He's on my facebook too and he looks fine but it petrifies me.

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Yes, unfortunately we make lots of mistakes, especially when growing up. I feel the important thing is to recognize what you feel is wrong & what you wouldn't do again, but feeling guilty about it really isn't going to help you matey.

I have in this situation learnt how to forgive myself, even if other people would say the things I did weren't needing forgiveness, I personally felt they did, so I learnt how to forgive myself. It was sort of realising I can't change the past, and I am only torturing myself by feeling guilt. I still think of certain events, but I have an understanding that I recognise my actions are not the same as how I would behave now.

Hope I made some sense?

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I know you're right, I would never do those things now but I think what frightens me most, is the age gap? I didn't think of that at the time but now I constantly think about it.

I'm finding it very hard to deal with, I'm on the verge of suicide and that scares the living hell out of me.

I just don't know how i can go on in this life and think about the future anymore when I constantly think about my past. My daughter deserves better, she really does.

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Can I just say I played these types of games too with a same aged friend when we were about 8-10. I use to look at it as something silly but ever since this ocd has started it's on my mind EVERYDAY. I'm still friends with this girl now and she's always nice to me when I see her but I always think how can she not remember?? I've done SO much research into this and it mostly all says experimenting in childhood is normal but I can't accept this or let it go because it's the worst thing I've ever done in my life and in my mind it's disgusting and must show I'm horrible. I just wanted you to know I can relate to this very much x

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Thank you for replying Mrs brown, I'm just in a very emotional state right now.

Its very hard to deal with, isn't it? Knowing we've done something so horrible. With me it's the age gap, that's what is freaking me out, if we were the same age, I wouldn't be as bothered but the fact I was rather older it's freaking me out.

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I still struggle with it everyday and hate myself for being so sexual at such a young age but the research I have done online basically says we all do silly things when we are children and we shouldn't torture ourself about it. Harder said than done I know. I'm sorry to hear your having a hard time try to forgive yourself as you were just a child x

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There isn't a person alive who didn't do something silly when younger its how we learn.most people don't give it a second thought like your friend.its just ocd making us make more out of it than it is.I have few things from my past I get like me this about .it usually comes up if I Am really stressed.everyone I tell says don't worry.its very hard not to worry but it really is nothing to worry about.all perfectly normal.stuff.

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LOL, funny you should ask...... it is my surname aswel as a fact that I am a huge Harry Potter fan! Mainly just the fact I am potty hee hee :p

But yes, you can be the best mum possible to your daughter, she clearly means the world to you. Probably why your OCD is so bad, due to her absence.

Keep going matey xxx

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