Scared to tell my therapist about suicidal thoughts.

[Guest TheOCDTheory]

Basically, I've been going to therapy sessions for a while and I was feeling positive about them. They are actually helping, and everything is apparently going as planned. But whenever my therapist asks me if I think I'm getting better, I just say what I'm supposed to say even if I'm not actually thinking it.

Now I just feel like yes I'm getting better, but no matter how much I 'challenge my thoughts' and basically deny all anxiety, disease still exists. And bad things still happen.

It all just seems so futile, and the prospect of being discharged from therapy and left to 'fend for myself' is so abhorrent that I'm starting to feel suicidal.

It's pathetic because I would almost definitely never kill myself really. Not that I want to be alive, but it would devastate those around me and so even by killing myself I'd still be causing more bad things in the world.

It's just that I'm scared to tell my therapist. I've been lying to her (not necessarily intentionally) for a while now by saying what I 'should' be saying. So she'll probably just think I'm attention seeking by suddenly seeming worse than I have been.

I really don't know what to do, but in a way feeling suicidal but knowing that I could never actually end it is worse than anything I've ever felt. Even though my OCD is getting better. What should I do? Please help...I'm sorry for posting this on a forum instead of talking to someone but I don't know what else to do.

[Guest irretractable]

What if you tell her what you just said here? That you'd never actually kill yourself but the idea of fighting this on your own makes you so scared that you would actually rather die. If she knows you won't act on your thoughts, that gives her more room to work with you and to try to help you address your fears.

I can very much relate to how you feel. This summer I felt so bad I wanted to die. I just didn't feel like it was possible to keep on going. But, like you, it wasn't an option to act on those thoughts because of all the people I would hurt. It was the most horrible, hopeless, feeling ever. I told my psychiatriast, and she was very supportive.

[Guest Hamilton]

If its hard to explain how you are feeling, just show her your post. She is there to support you, and by showing her this post she will be able to support you more.

[taurean]

My feeling is that we are best to tell our therapists exactly how we feel. because unless they have a good sense of the "map" of our own troubles, then we can't really expect them to devise the best strategies, can we?

I wouldn't be myself telling a therapist that I was feeling fine, when i wasn't. or not suicidal when I do feel that way.

[Guest Chez]

I too don't tell my theropist everything, but like taurean said ' they can't help us properly if we don't tell um everything ' !!!!! X

[Guest TheOCDTheory]

Thanks everyone for replying

[Guest Si.P]

I think a lot of us have the same problem. Although you know they are trying to help sometimes its difficult to not just telling them what you think they want to hear. In order to get help you need to be honest with them as well as your self. Like you I have had thoughts of ending it all but know I never actually would.