Crush on My Hair Dresser

[NoahsArk]

Dear Members,

A few months ago a new hair dresser started working at the salon where I normally go, and I was attracted to her right away. I am 34 and have been married for 12 years, and have an 8 year old daughter. All though we’ve had our ups and downs, I’ve recently decided to work hard to keep the marriage going well at least for the next ten years until my daughter turns 18. Then, if we decide to let each other have freedom and date other people, at least then my daughter will be a grown up.

Regarding this hair dresser, she is 21 and has long dark hair. The first few times I saw her she was slightly chubby, but very beautiful. I remember just looking at her through the mirror and feeling like I was in heaven. The first time I saw her was in Spring, and I went back to her once a month for three months or so. I had never made any attempt to try and have any friendship outside of her work until two months ago on Halloween. I debated whether or not to go in for a hair cut that day, but decided to go. She asked me what I was doing for Halloween, and I told her I was meeting with friends, and I asked her to come. She said she would “take it into consideration”. As I was leaving I said I could text her the place we were going and the time. She gave me her cell, and I texted her a few hours later about that night. I got no response from her. I just assumed she wasn’t interested.

The next evening, she sent me a long text saying that she got fired from the hair saloon for missing work that day because she was sick. She told me that she had a history of panic attacks and other psychological problems, and that a month or so before she missed a week of work because she was in a psychiatric hospital. I told her that I was sorry. She told me if I get a hair cut again not to go to a certain other hairdresser that works there, since that hairdresser was the one who complained to the management about her attendance and got her fired. We texted back and forth for a bit, then she stopped. A couple days later I asked how she was and she said ok, and that she wanted to get a cat if her apartment would allow it. I eventually asked her if she wanted to go skateboarding with me at a near by river in the city that has a bike path. She actually went to the same skateboard camp that I did as a kid.

She did not respond to this invitation, and I didn’t hear from her for three days. Then, while I was at work, she texts me asking if I can give her a ride to the hospital because she was having another episode. I told her that I could, but I would need thirty minutes or so to pick her up. She changed her mind and said she’d take an UBER. I told her if she ever needed a ride, to let me know. Then I regretted that comment because it made me sound too available (I should’ve just said if you ever have an emergency let me know.) I texted her that evening asking how she was, and she responded back saying she was ok and just ate for the first time all day. After a few more texts back and forth, she stopped.

The next week I called her and we spoke for like ten minutes on the phone. It was a Friday or Saturday evening, and apparently she had a male friend who was supposed to come over. She said she had to go. After that conversation, I texted her a few times, but got no response.

I just again assumed she wasn’t interested. A month or so went by, and I considered asking her if she would cut my hair just so that I could see her again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not all obsessed with her and feeling crazy like “we have to be together” or something silly like that. I just get pleasant feelings being around her, and I get happy thinking about her. I decided not to contact her, though, because I thought it would be weak to try and use her profession as an excuse to get her to see me. She has my number, I told myself, and if she wants to let me know that she is cutting hair again at another salon, she could do so. After all, she hadn’t responded to my previous two texts.

A few weeks went by with no word from her, and I began thriving in my work and life in general compared with before. I decided it was good for my marriage that she’s not contacting me back, since that way there is less chance of drama happening. I had actually committed to myself not to chase such relationships while my daughter is young, and to focus on saving up for my daughter’s future. I decided to leave dreams about women like this for the far future. Even though I’ll be older then, I figure in ten years I’ll be 44 which is not that old.

Then, one evening a few weeks ago when I was feeling particularly good, I got a text from her saying “Hey! I’m working at this new salon….” She said it was a fancier place, and gave me the address. I said I’d get my next cut there and she said “hell yeah!” I was really happy to get her text.

Here’s where the OCD comes in, and thank you for bearing with me this long. Although I still had the same resolve about focusing on work and family, and didn’t start to think of her new text as an opportunity to begin dating her or anything, I still felt uncomfortable about even getting a hair cut with her. Especially after I’d started to do well with my work. After all, the whole reason she was able to let me know that she is in a new salon is because we had each other’s personal numbers, and my wife certainly wouldn’t be happy if she found out. I started to then debate whether or not to go get a cut with her. I felt like if I continue to go to her, I’ll always have to worry that my wife will get suspicious. She does sometimes check my texts, and I wouldn’t want her to see I am texting her, even if it’s for an appointment, because then she will get suspicious. It’s true I could make the appointment from work or do something else, but then I’ll get OCD cus I’m covering things up. On the other hand, I really like seeing her (not to mention she gives a good hair cut). Not only is she pretty, she is also smart and I like the conversations. She knows about tech and video editing, and is also the IT person at the salon helping them with the camera system. Her dad is a programmer.

I also thought how great it would be if we stayed in contact. Then, in ten years, which can go by fast, maybe we could get closer. I don’t want to loose ties with people. She’d still be only 31 then, and I’m sure I’d still be attracted to her. But, if I stopped going to her completely, it would be awkward to just message her all of a sudden ten years from now.

Anyways, after weeks of delaying, I set up an appointment with her yesterday for today. She looked more beautiful than ever. I still have OCD though about my wife finding out about all this, and I am still thinking if I should go back next month. I am not planning to text her or invite her out or anything, but I at least want to go get the hair cut. I am worried my wife will stab me if she finds out. That’s not a figure of speech: I am literally worried that she will. Could this be a realistic fear? In 2006 I was on the coach biting my nails, and she got so angry she tried to kick my hand hard away from my face, but she missed and cut my eye with her toe nail. I had to wear a patch for a week. She also once stabbed in the arm with a pencil when she found out I texted a female co-worker at 2am (even though nothing happened- I just asked if she got home safely from a birthday). I don’t remember whether or not the pencil was sharp. Finally, back in 2006, her cousin actually stabbed two people and got sentenced to ten years in jail. He was living very far away at the time. His version of the events is that it was a big group fight and he was acting in self defense. Nonetheless I heard their backs were turned, and the court found against him. So, this is relevant because I think it is in her blood to be violent. Her dad did drugs and used to beat her mom unconscious, and she even admitted to me after kicking my eye that she feels ashamed to have been influenced by what she saw at home. Other than these incidents that I’ve described, though, there has been nothing much else in 12 years.

For some reason it’s getting stabbed that really scares me. I’m not scared of getting shot in the head or anything. It’s because I feel like getting stabbed is a lot more painful. I sometimes fear that my neighbor will stab me as I’ve written about in previous posts. So, to wrap it up, my questions are: Should I stop going to get hair cuts with this girl? If I keep going, I'll be worried about my wife, but if I stop going, I'll feel that I'm insulting her and also that I am being overly deprived. Also, am I being unrealistic about thinking my wife will stab me? Thank you!

[Caramoole]

Hmmmm???? This is a complicated one and for the most part (dare I say) not OCD related.....apart from the fear "Will my wife stab me?"

Yes, (and it's not unusual) you clearly enjoy the interaction with this girl. There are clearly problems within your marriage.

That's the area you need to look at and weigh up the pro's and cons. Do you really want to continue the marriage for your Daughters sake? (If so, you have to work at that and see it though) Or is the marriage over and you need to make a realistic decision? You need to weigh up what's most important to you all (and what's fair to your wife as well as you)

I feel it's (and it's only a personal opinion, so feel free to ignore) 90% life and only 10% OCD. Some honest soul searching needed in order to resolve.

Caramoole

[Guest Orwell1984]

Think objectively

Cheating is wrong- you're attempting many times to cheat.

Do you love your wife?

Did she deliberately kick you ? When she stabbed you with the pencil was it a full on attack?

If yes, contact male domestic violence services because it seems you are staying in that marriage out of fear and a sense that your daughter needs two parents. Not good if one parent is abusive, child is better off with one non abusive parent.

I am unsure whether your sense if harm is over inflated but I don't think it is. I'm not sure if that part is OCD.

Edited January 11, 2015 by Orwell1984

[NoahsArk]

Thank you Caramoole and Orwell.

Caramoole yes, I am staying in the relationship for my daughter. I am with her every day doing different activities with her, and I don't want to only see her half of the week. Also, I worry what would happen if my wife and I separated and then she married someone else who wouldn't treat my daughter right. There are also the financial concerns about paying rent for two different places. Also, I'd rather raise my daughter well and see her independent so that I could have confidence in another relationship and not feel guilty that I let my daughter down. I've given this a lot of thought, and don't feel like I'm in a place now to start a new serious relationship. I also need to concentrate now on work and saving up which a new relationship would distract me from doing.

And there are peaceful times with my wife too. It's not totally intolerable although the atmosphere can get really tense. Her mom lives with us, and her grandmother is also staying with us for the winter, so it is a full house. We do stuff together like go to the movies when we can, etc. She has her moments of affection towards me. I think it's not so horrible that I need to get out, since I can be content. Even when it's not perfect, I have other interests that keep me going. However, even though I decided I don't need to have another physical relationship, I don't want to be afraid to have other friends, and don't want to be afraid that she'll do something crazy one day.

I'm wondering if I should tell my wife that I worry this much that she will do this? Maybe we can just get everything out in the open and that will create less of a chance of something bad happening.

[NoahsArk]

Hey guys I know I posted this here a while ago...thanks to whoever read it since it was long. I've had on and off periods of ocd since then. I continue to have a crush on my hair dresser almost three years later, and we even meet outside of her work sometimes now. 

I came back to this post because my obsession about my wife stabbing me came back. Although a I had temporarily conquered it, the other day, just as I was feeling great, the anxiety hit me again. The reason was because I realized that I had forgot to mention in my post, as well as to others who've advised me, that in addition to stabbing me with a pencil, etc., she did something else. I want to know if, knowing the other thing she did, the fear of getting stabbed is actually realistic and I should move out because of that.

So about nine years ago we were in the kitchen for breakfast, and my one year old daughter was in her high chair. I was wearing a white shirt which I spilled juice on. She got furious ( i dont remember why she got so mad, but maybe its because she bought me the shirt). Anyways, she took a sharp pair of scissors and started to violently cut up my shirt as I was wearing it. I was so scared that ten minutes later, while waiting for my bus, my hand was shaking.

In my last post, Caramoole you thought that the fear of getting stabbed was ocd. I didnt mention, though, this incident with the scissors. I would greatly alpreciate if you or anyone could let me know if this makes it a legitimate fear. I need to get this off my chest and know whether or not I need to start looking for a new apartment or if this is just ocd. The fact that this happened so long ago doesnt give me too much comfort. Even if I'm only at risk of her stabbing me once in ten years that's too much of a risk I think. 

It's a very unpleasant feeling. I imagine she'll do it when I am in a vulnerable position such as lying down and when I don't expect it.

Please help. Thanks.

 

[OceanDweller]

In my opinion, no couple should stay together for the sake of their child. Everyone becomes miserable, especially the young one.

If my partner stabbed me, I'd be out the door. Domestic violence is unacceptable, irrespective of which gender is the perpetrator.

Nothing you've written indicates to me that your hairdresser is interested in you romantically. Even if she is, it's massively unlikely she'll still be available years from now.

Separate the two dilemmas...

Your marriage appears only to be of convenience (and will become ever less convenient with each act of violence). You're doing yourself, your wife and your child no favours by staying together out of obligation.

If you summon the inner fortitude to leave, explain your newfound freedom and your feelings to your hairdresser. It's the only way in which you'll know whether any hopes in that direction are realistic or pure fantasy. Whether it's a yay or a nay, at least then you'll be in a position to pursue a healthy relationship, either with this scissored siren or one of the millions of other heterosexual women roaming this planet in search of love.

[NoahsArk]

Thank you Ocean Dweller. I realize their are realistic relationship issues here, but I'm trying to separate what's ocd from what's not. There is a chance we may separate, but I don't want OCD to be making the decision for me. Aside from the normal reasons to separate (e.g. it being a relationship of convenience like you mentioned) do you think there are legitimate safety issues at hand? Does the story about her cutting up my shirt with scissors while I was wearing give rise to a real concern that she'd actually stab me with a knife?

[OceanDweller]

2 hours ago, NoahsArk said:

Thank you Ocean Dweller. I realize their are realistic relationship issues here, but I'm trying to separate what's ocd from what's not. There is a chance we may separate, but I don't want OCD to be making the decision for me. Aside from the normal reasons to separate (e.g. it being a relationship of convenience like you mentioned) do you think there are legitimate safety issues at hand? Does the story about her cutting up my shirt with scissors while I was wearing give rise to a real concern that she'd actually stab me with a knife?

I get the impression that you're relying on the perceived threat of violence to legitimise your decision to leave. I believe anyone is capable of anything in a perfect storm of circumstances. The fact is that it doesn't appear that you want to be with your wife anymore. If that's the case, it's all the reason you need.

[chaosed]

If you don't want your OCD to influence your decision, then simply don't take this fear into consideration.

Weigh in the pros and cons WITHOUT considering this, just leave it out of the equations.

How good would you feel if you would be able to make this decision free of the fear that your wife might stab you? Don't wait for the fear to subside, you don't have to in order to make your decision - just take into account everything else.

[NoahsArk]

Thank you Ocean and Chaosed. I think it does make sense to take the OCD fear out of the equation. That fear is the hardest thing for me to live with now, and without it I feel much more free.

[NoahsArk]

I also think that brings up a more general issue: being able to know what's real and what isn't, and what's ocd and what isn't is an important skill. When I think about things more closely, I, and probably others as well, have spent months and even years towards achieving some goal that was likely OCD motivated, and which only served as a means to some end that could've been achieved a much easier way. This got me thinking a lot today.