Advice Please

[Benster]

I've not been on for a while because my OCD hasn't been bad because there wasn't much stress in my life, but recently something what I did 2 years ago has really brought up Regret, Stress and OCD.

I'm nervous about writing this for so many reasons, but please don't judge. At the moment, it's not something I feel I can talk to my parents about because it really is one of my biggest life regrets and I'll never think about doing anything like it again in my life.

Basically, two and a half years ago when I was younger, less mature and naive to the internet etc, when I was at the age where people would be discussing this sort of stuff all the time, my young mind decided to show an innapropriate part of me on the internet (Can I add it wasn't a photo, it was a one time thing on omegle). Now, before you gasp etc and tell me how bad this is, remember it was two years ago, and if you read my first posts on this forum from 2013, you will be able to see how insecure I was at that age. How I remember it starting, was people from school talking about that sort of stuff, so I mindlessly went and did it.

As far as I'm aware, it was only once (I don't think I was stupid enough to do it more than once, even when I wasn't old enough to understand what it was). My face wasn't shown or anything along the lines of that, so nobody apart from me is even aware I did it. But it's just the regret and guilt which is eating away at me from the inside, where to the point when the anxiety started last night, I was about to take a shower and upon thinking about it, I had to get out because I thought I was going to be sick.

I know talking to someone (e.g my Mum) would be the best idea, but I decided first off to not do that because talking to people who you don't know is alot easier and to be honest, if I was talking to her about it in person, I would probably break down because I'm so ashamed of it.

I know to some of you, it might not seem like a bad idea, but it's making my OCD flare up, e.g "If you don't do this task in a certain way, the fear will be everlasting and you will never forgive yourself". and never being able to forgive myself is what I'm scared of. Also, I'm an overthinker. Like seriously, the first thing I thought when this fear arised yesterday was "I can't tell anybody about this, they'll think I'm insane!". I understand there's few people in the same boat as me, but the fact I was so vunerable to do something like that ruins me.

I know you'll think "Just go to a therapist to get it sorted" but I doubt I'd be able to tell someone about it in person, even if I didn't know them and I had to see them again.

Next Wednesday (13th May) is my 13th birthday, and I don't want my teen years to start off with this fear.

I'm writing this here because I know how understanding the people here are, and I know it's not like I've killed people, because that guilt really would be bad, and some people do suffer from that, and I know my regret is only a small one (to you anyway) but the problem is big enough to be on my mind 24/7 so I can't keep it all inside.

I really hope you can help,

Ben

[Guest nidu]

Hi Ben

You know ocd can make us trapped by anything, now its troubling you by past issues, id say forget the past, easier said than done but you were so young....

And dont react to the thoughts which say 'you must do this in certain way to stop the fear everlasting'

You try not to think about that event, try to distract when,those thoughts come.

Sorry,I am not of much help, but dont worry, youl be ok.

Nid

Edited May 6, 2015 by nidu

[Benster]

Thankyou

Does anybody know of a method of telling my mum about this? The best way? I've decided I will approach her about it, but I'm not sure how and some websites aren't the best for advice.

Ben

[Gemma7]

Hi Ben you could try showing your mum your post. You speak very eloquently and it may be easier than trying to explain in person if you aren't feeling great about it. I have found that parents often don't react how you worry they might. Also the best thing to do with ocd is to say so what. Overthinking gets you nowhere. When ocd trys to engage in a conversation try to do other things to distract yourself. Do you see the need to tell your mum as a compulsion(like confessing) or is it a genuine want to discuss it with her?

Gemma

[Benster]

I discussed it with my Mum last Thursday/Friday, well I actually wrote it on a piece of paper and her words were "Oh Ben, you really think I would be annoyed at you for something that happened two years ago?" etc. It's not that she let me get away with it or anything, she saw how much it upset me and saw the situation from my point of view. I agree with you on how they aren't orgres and they don't react how I worried they might. And yes, you basically took the words out of my mouth - if I make a mistake which I regret and things along that line, I feel like I need to confess to someone about my mistake e.g my mum, and if I think about other people, no matter who they are, I feel I also need to confess to them. (even though I think I do a good job of fighting the urge to not tell others). That kind of sums up my situation.

Thankyou for replying