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HOW I FREAKING HATE LIFE


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Usually I am depressed about it but now I am ENRAGED. I've already broken several things and cursed bitterly. What the SAT is wrong with this messed up life!? I wish I hadn't thrown up after accidently eating rat poison when I was 6 years old. I WISH I AT LEAST HAD GOTTEN CANCER FROM IT. PLEASE won't these demons ever stop torturing me!? I'm not crazy, but I've just had enough of not finding solutions or ever succeeding. A bunch of medicines have not worked on me at all, besides giving me horrible side-effects. CBT didn't help me. This SATing blepharospam is yet another demon that won't stop torturing me. I wish at least 20141220 from reddit.com had been right and the lights had gone out on 4/30/15, maybe i'd have been lucky enough to get hit by a car. Sadly I can't put myself to RIP, because it's against my religion and i'd go straight to hel|(idk if this is considered a curse word.... sorry if it is). All I can think of that helps calm this torment is watching gore or scary stuff, or trippy art.... does that make me a horrible person? It's not my fault, I just need to try to be scared or disturbed so that it helps the anxiety and depression go down... it's the only thing that kind of helps so I have no choice. Sorry if this makes me a terrible person but I'm on my way to some scary website(yes, with trippy art :( )

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Hey Chipre,

I don't think it makes you a terrible person, I think it makes you pretty normal. I mean if you felt nothing about OCD & were walking round as though nothing happened, then I would be concerned :original: & from what you say, the anxiety/fear you get from these is to mask the anxiety/depression of your OCD.

Could you get that feeling from anything else? Such as a sport? Climbing, boxing, martial arts. Something to give you that feeling but will also get you out & maybe motivated or a purpose or goal?

Symps

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Thanks for replying :) I used to go swimming and it helped, but eventually the ocd got worse and now I can't swim(due to contamination) and I can't do sports either since the ocd makes it very hard to move. Even just walking can be hard at times. Since I sit at my computer almost all the time when I'm not at school, that's why looking at trippy art and scary stuff is really the only thing left that can help distract my mind from the anxiety and depression. I usually go to some website which most people are scared of, because it has all these trippy art, symmetric drawings, moving icons, calculations, numbers, and the background is pitch black. However, because it's mysterious, that's why I go to it since it helps distract my mind.... but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. I also tend to read creepypasta(scary stories) since being uneasy helps my mind not focus too much on anxiety and depression. I don't really know what else to do, since I can't really move around much due to the severe ocd(I've also gained a lot of weight).

Edited by Chipre
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Hmm, sounds rough, but I'd reckon allowing your OCD to put you off exercise is only going to contribute to your current state getting worse. You need to start facing these fears if you are ever going to feel better. I know it's hard, but at some point you need to confront your OCD & stop it dictating your life.

Be strong, you can do it :original:

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Good luck, & remember, you're already fighting a battle with OCD, so don't punish yourself for not doing marathons, every little you can do, is more than if you were sat at home not attempting it, it's a great victory just getting out & attacking it, remind yourself of that every now & again :original:

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Reading through your post and comments on this really does make me feel for you. I'm not sure what to suggest to help, but the first thing that comes to mind is stay strong! You can do it, and everyone who reads this knows you can do it!

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