Guilt

[Purplepiper7]

My mom told me that people who commit suicide don't go to heaven. You could call it one of the reason's that I'm still alive. I want to go to heaven, I do, but I can't even convince myself that I truly love God. I probably wouldn't get to go to heaven anyway. My mind is currently a jumbled mess of self-deprecation and doubt. I can tell myself that I do love God until I'm blue in the face, but I don't really believe it. I think that everything I do makes him angry and I feel like the worst person in existence. My mind won't let me forget that God probably hates me because I don't do anything good (yes, I'm fully aware that this is untrue, and no, this awareness doesn't mean that I hate myself any less). My OCD can't take away the fact that I enjoy making people smile, but it can make me feel guilty for nearly every single thing that I do. So that's where I stand right now - swimming in a sea of unnecessary remorse (I needed at least one metaphor in my post). It helps to talk about it though, so thank you for "listening."

[Benster]

I'm not religious, but my first guess when reading this post is that doesn't God give forgiveness to those who deserve it? In my mind, you deserve it and God has nothing to be mad at you for. Is there any chance you could go and talk to a religious person (I'm not sure what religion you're part of, but for example a vicar etc). They could help you through your issues and at the same time you could talk to a close person to you about it?

Hope this helps!

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you. To me, the problem isn't that God isn't forgiving, because he is. I just don't deserve to be forgiven because I'm a bad person. People at church have told me that he doesn't hate me, but I just don't believe them. Well, actually, that's not 100% true. I'm pretty sure that their correct, but I don't feel okay accepting that anymore. I suppose I could talk to someone, but I don't really want to go to church because I feel like an awful person, and going will just make me feel worse. Still, I feel bad for not wanting to go because I always talk about how much I love God. I want to live in a way that honors him, but I feel that I never do anything good. I'm probably going to hell anyway - why do I even try to keep living?

[daisy]

Hi purple,

I'm sorry to hear you are not feeling good at the moment,but please try and believe me and others who say you are not a bad person, I know it can be hard when you lack self esteem (I am the same).I think you were one of the first people who welcomed me to the forum,and the encouragement you give to others certainly shows you are not a bad person.

I hope you soon start to feel better,are you receiving any help at the moment? xx

[Purplepiper7]

Thank you daisy. I'm having a hard time believing that I'm not the worst person on the planet. It's been on my mind all weekend, and I can't really escape the feeling that I'm displeasing God with almost every decision that I make. I think that I'd be a better person if I really loved God as much as I say that I do. I'm not recieving any professional help at the moment due to financial problems, but hopefully that will happen soon.

[Benster]

I can't really escape the feeling that I'm displeasing God with almost every decision that I make.

God is loving and you're not displeasing him. You say the feeling that you're displeasing him. That's the OCD making you feel like that. I don't know you but you sound like a great person with a warm heart and the OCD is making you not believe that! I know it's hard, but can you try to 'fight off' the OCD with a 'SO WHAT', for example, "So what if I am displeasing God, he's forgiving and I am stronger than this OCD.".

(I'm not saying it's the best possible solution for your OCD mind, but it works for me to a certain extent and I like to help people in the same boat as me (i.e OCD).

[Purplepiper7]

Thanks Ben. Although I'm not doing so well with the "so what" kind of approach, I am trying to allow my intrusive thoughts to stay put while I carry on with my evening like normal. Still, guilt weighs heavily on my mind, and I'm having a hard time staying focused. My OCD keeps me awake at night, so I haven't been sleeping well, and as a result, my cognitive abilities are beginning to suffer. Hopefully, I'll be too tired to dwell on my thoughts tonight, but we'll see. I'm going to attempt to get some rest now, Goodnight, and happy birthday. :happybday:

Edited May 13, 2015 by Purplepiper7

[lovid]

Hi PP.Your upbringing has made things a little worse for you in this respect I reckon.I know you mum is very religious and that coupled with low self esteem and in particular your OCD are making things worse.I can imagine how frightening it must be dealing with a super being but although I very much doubt you will be able to question your basic faith it does seem that you can question some of the theories.After all no one knows for sure what is true .We can only make theories and check them.People who have seen God may have been having Hallucinations.You don't need to be an amazingly good person to get God's approval anyway I heard.Over here the opinion is more that being average is fine and in the Uk I can't think of hardly anyone who would get into Heaven with the standards you set yourself.To me you seem a very nice and kind young lady but I'm sure you aren't perfect but try to accept that you don't need to be a saint in this life and try to learn to just be yourself because you are just fine as you are xx