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Desperate for Help


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Let me start off by saying I'm not insane.

It must've been 3 or so weeks ago when this first popped up in my mind. I was watching the news and it was based in this primary school classroom, and I got a sexual intrusive thought about one of the children there. It disgusted me. It wasn't a "turn on" and there was no arousal. The only thing I felt was a quick cringe and fear of "am I a pedophile?!". This fear is almost stupid because I'm 13!

Even though I know I'm not one, it won't go away! After I convinced myself I wasn't, the fear "what if you grow up to be one". It broke me. I can't imagine myself being like that. Yesterday, I took part in a horse event, and in my spare time I was asked to do a few child pony rides (all it is was two laps around a medium sized grass area on lead rope. I suddenly got an intrusive thought about one of the people I was leading round, which led to me other thinking, which led to me picturing a naked child and seeing if it was a turn on or not. It wasn't, but the fear was still there! I didn't feel butterflies when having these thought, it was nothing like the romantic (and sexual) feeling get towards people my age (and mostly older).

I have NO interest in sexually harassing a child. My thoughts are turning suicidal- last night I was so close to breaking point.

Finally, I want to add, I had no interest in children before these thoughts occurred. It's breaking me.

Thanks for reading.

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Benster, you are young to have such thoughts running around inside your head. I was about 15 when similar thoughts began to intrude into my thinking. It wasn't fun, I can tell you.

Understand that you are having intrusive thoughts and images (obsessions). You aren't causing them. They pop into your head. They are unwanted and usually repetitive. They don't mean anything about you. You don't want them but they are being thrust upon you. There's little you can do to directly make the thoughts go away.

You can learn to react differently to the thoughts when they do pop up. Where you want to get is to a place where you don't freak out over the thoughts. Where they pop into your head and you just leave them be, let them float around in your head and just leave them alone. This is like giving no attention to the thoughts and that's the key. The less attention you give the thoughts the less they will bother you. Practice enough and the thoughts can even subside, coming less frequently and less strongly.

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Hiya PolarBear. It's nice to know i'm not the only one. How you described it is how I would also.

I'll take on board what you've suggested and let you know how I get on.

Thankyou:)

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UPDATE: Every day, I feel differently about this situation. Yesterday, I was completely terrified of the thought of being a pedophile, but this morning as I woke up, I got a thought which said "It will be easier for you if you accept your a pedophile." Which completely confused me. When I was younger, I would NEVER care about getting that extra look at my year 2 classmates whilst getting changed. Also, if I have an erection about something normal and then think about little children, it goes down.

Also, my mind went onto "remember when you thought you had "H" OCD two years ago, and then look at your sexuality now." which is scary. I find the thought of children as a sexual object disguising, and I don't look at children or get butterflies like I do with people older than me, or people my age who are attractive. I've never watched child porn or looked at naked children.

When I don't have this "fear", I laugh over the thought of me being a pedophile, mainly because it's so ridiculous.

Why do I think like this? How do I stop it? Why is my mind trying to convince me I'm some "monster" pedophile when I don't get aroused by the thought of children? Why am I suffering this fear when I'm still a child myself?! I don't even know what I am anymore.

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