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Questioning, confused, struggling - and without diagnosis


Guest Lapin

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Hi, I'm a new face in the forum and thought making this sort of "introductory post" explaining my situation might be a good start... Hopefully something good will come out of all of this, I'm pretty hopeful.

I'm a 20 years old female undergraduate university student from Finland who studies in UK. On the outside it really looks like I've got my life together - I'm doing extremely well in my studies and have a loving family, lots of close and supporting friends and of course, a boyfriend I've been dating for over a year now. Sure, I've been diagnosed with mixed depression and anxiety disorder a year ago and take medication to it, but I'm still achieving great things in life and can live a day-to-day life without my mental health problems getting in the way.

Too bad that on the inside, every day is a battle.

The first disturbing thoughts and feelings came when I was just starting to date my boyfriend. It was such a weird situation: I had been crushing on him since the early 2014 and he had noticed me during the late autumn, and we had slowly gotten to the point where both of us were testing our limits as "just friends" without actually talking about how we felt. I can't remember for sure, but that was already when I first started questioning my feelings: did I really like this person? Did we have a future together? Was I attracted enough? Why didn't kissing and cuddling feel like in the books or films? Was I just using him selfishly, seeing as he seemed to really be into me?

I also realised these are the exact same things that went through my mind few years ago when I was entering my first, short-lived relationship with my friend. It was all just questioning, stressing, worrying if I felt enough, not feeling good cuddling or kissing the other... I ended that relationship rather quickly, dismissing the whole thing as me trying to please him without ever being attracted to him. You can imagine my confusion as the exact same things happened with the new relationship I was trying to build. Was I just broken? Had I just entered to another loveless relationship? What was wrong with me?

That was when I first found out about ROCD. I was googling something along the lines of "how do I know I really love my boyfriend" and bam, a Wikipedia page about pure-OCD types came up. It was amazing how well everything fit - the more I read about the other people's experiences the more I could relate to them. When I first found out about ROCD it actually boosted my faith in my relationship a lot and I found it easier to actually feel love towards him.

Knowing there might even be some kind of mental health related thing behind my fears, I've continued my relationship to this day. It hasn't been easy: there have been days and weeks where all I feel is anxiety and doubt. Sometimes I feel completely empty and emotionless. Days are filled with questions and doubts about my relationship, and every time I contact my boyfriend or see him, the questioning and testing continues. How did that kiss felt, did I feel attracted enough, why isn't my heart beating fast, why am I not sexually attracted to him all the time? Am I a bad person for feeling attracted for other people, do I really love him if I find other people attractive, even just for a moment? Is my relationship "good", is my relationship "the right kind", is it real? Is my boyfriend attractive enough, do his flaws make him unlovable or our relationship impossible, does he love me enough? Do I really love him, do I really love him, do I really love him...

So why haven't I broken up with him? I can't feel anything I can trust, but I think that somewhere deep down I actually DO like him. I have my moments when I feel all warm and fuzzy, when he's the cutest and best and sweetest and oh god, it all just feels so good and right. He's not perfect and I sometimes overthink his small flaws but I swear I've never met a person who understands me as well. Not only that, he's also a good boyfriend overall, supportive, loving and respectful above all else. I've talked about all of this with him and he has been there to cheer me up and care for me. Sometimes his own insecurities get in the way and he seems to question my attraction and love for him, which is stressful and fuels my worries as well, but I've tried to deal with it the best I can. After all, even though my stress often makes me try to avoid him altogether, I still think I do care for him - or at least, I REALLY want to.

Right at the moment things aren't as bad as they've sometimes been but I'm still anxious and the thoughts are still lingering somewhere. He's currently texting me, and every text makes my stress levels raise some. I still continue, even though every sweet thing I say in the texts feels wrong and makes me think I'm lying to him. I just wish I could talk to him normally. We're going to spend some time at his father's summer cottage soon and I'm both looking forward to spending time with him and worrying my heart out. What if my feelings ruin the whole week?

The problem is, getting a diagnosis in a situation as mine is really difficult: I wish I had an access to therapy of some kind but due my studies I travel between UK and Finland all the time - who would take me as a patient? I've also tried talking to different mental health helpers since 2010 but feel like people just don't simply get me: I'm too happy to suffer from depression and I just do too well in life to have any other problems either, that's all these people seem to think. No one cares what I FEEL and how I see the world and the people around me, as long as I get A's from my classes and don't physically hurt myself I should be just thankful anyone's even bothering with me. And of course I'm worrying about whether or not my doubts are real - do I really have OCD of some sorts or is this something else? Is this just me lying to myself because I don't want to hurt my other people?

And the funniest part? Writing this post is also so wrong, my brain tells me I'm somehow lying and making things up to get attention and answers that I want. There's no escaping from my thoughts and I swear I sometimes don't know if anything that goes in my head is reliable. It wears me out.

I want a diagnosis and I want someone to tell me that I'm valid.I want to have OCD and I want to believe I have OCD. I don't want to go on questioning everything in my life. I just want to know if I even have a problem at all.

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Hi Lapin,

I've recently finished University, and while I was there, I had to rely on the accessibility team quite a bit. Your University should have something similar, and a group of counsellors you can speak to. If I were in your shoes, I'd explain my concerns about having obsessive-compulsive symptoms, and see if they can advise you on how you might be able to access treatment in the UK. If you're financially well-off or supported, I imagine it would be fairly easy to get sessions with a private psychologist. I don't know much about EU students and the NHS, but the counsellor could advise you on that too.

You could have sessions with the University counsellors and see how that works out for you, but you'd need to check they are knowledgable with CBT techniques and/or understand obsessive-compulsive thinking well. My Uni counsellor was lovely but encouraged me to analyse my feelings and going over and over them again actually risks feeding into the OCD cycle. The sessions helped get me through the academic year, but I needed proper CBT after.

It may be that you could make use of the University services and then seek treatment when you return to Finland during holidays?

Good luck, and I hope you find something that works for you.

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