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POCD, HOCD,ROCD? Please help.


Guest dandy1324

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Guest dandy1324

Hi everyone, I need some advice. I have an appointment with a therapist in one week, but I've been going insane with my thoughts for the past month. I've had OCD my entire life--since early childhood. I've suffered through health-related OCD, HOCD, obsessive thoughts about death, schizo-OCD, you name it. Most recently, for the past month or so, I've also been having really, really bad POCD. While I've had POCD in the past, it's been way worse. It started with a groinal response (which I didn't even know was a thing). I recognized it as POCD until one night when I started panicking about it. I've been in a constant state of panic for a month straight. I've been feeling so guilty because, at first, I kept it all from my boyfriend. I told him my fears and he said he's here for me 100% and that I won't lose him. That hasn't helped and it's like my brain's scanning my past for things that may be construed as pedophilia. Then, for some reason, I thought of when I first saw my boyfriend's cousin for the first time. She's 13 and really pretty. Honestly, I never thought much of her and I even took a trip with him and his family with her being there. I was uneasy because of my POCD, but never thought anything of it. One day, my obsession shifted. I then became afraid that, because I thought his cousin was pretty, that I could possibly develop a crush on her/find her attractive. So not only would that make me (1) a pedophile, but (2) a terrible person because she's his cousin. I thought that, if this was true, I'd lose him for sure. That's been my obsession for nearly two weeks and it's eating me up alive. My sister didn't help because she, as a lesbian, doesn't see a problem and thinks I "may just be into girls." I said I'm afraid of losing my boyfriend and she said, "So what? if you're into girls you're not meant to be with him." The thing is, I'm straight, I've always been straight and never had any desire to hookup with girls. I love my boyfriend and want to be with him, but now I'm terrified after hearing that I may be attracted to his cousin from my sister. Some days I believe it's my OCD, but some days it feels so real that I want to start sobbing and have even had suicidal thoughts at one point. I don't want to lose my boyfriend because he is perfect in every way--my ideal guy and soulmate. So, fellow OCD sufferers, do you think this sounds like OCD to you? I don't want to be attracted to her, but it keeps ringing in my head that I "can't fight fate" or "it's going to happen whether you want it or not." I have no desire to ever be with her, any other woman, or any kid (POCD-related), for that matter. Let me clarify, I have no problem with lesbians in any way--I just want to be with my boyfriend and am so scared my current fear isn't OCD, but what's happening. I'm terrified and can't tell my own thoughts from my OCD anymore and I'm doubting everything I've ever been. Some days I think "yes, this is all my OCD." But some day's I'm in a constant panic. Sorry for the ramble, I just thought maybe someone could offer some insight or how to deal with this?

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Hi Dandy. Yes, it's clearly a case of OCD. Anyone would tell you that, although I know that from where you are standing it is difficult to see "outside" the obsessive thoughts, so to speak. But I deal with many people of all sexualities and the bottom line is this: if you were attracted to girls, it would be pleasurable for you and you would want to pursue that. The fact that you do not, and the idea of it fills you with anxiety and dread, is proof that what you are experiencing is OCD, nothing more and nothing less. I know that we are not supposed to give reassurance in cases of OCD, as this can itself be incorporated in a new obsessional cycle, but you're just not gay. Simple as that. I hope this helps in some small way, but do keep using the OCD-UK forums. They are a friendly and considerate bunch and these forums are moderated 24/7, so you can always get a reply if you need one.

Best wishes

Tez :original:

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Guest dandy1324

Hi Dandy. Yes, it's clearly a case of OCD. Anyone would tell you that, although I know that from where you are standing it is difficult to see "outside" the obsessive thoughts, so to speak. But I deal with many people of all sexualities and the bottom line is this: if you were attracted to girls, it would be pleasurable for you and you would want to pursue that. The fact that you do not, and the idea of it fills you with anxiety and dread, is proof that what you are experiencing is OCD, nothing more and nothing less. I know that we are not supposed to give reassurance in cases of OCD, as this can itself be incorporated in a new obsessional cycle, but you're just not gay. Simple as that. I hope this helps in some small way, but do keep using the OCD-UK forums. They are a friendly and considerate bunch and these forums are moderated 24/7, so you can always get a reply if you need one.

Best wishes

Tez :original:

Hi Tez,

Thank you so much for your reply! You have no idea how much that means to me. I guess now, I'm worried because every time I see her, I get filled with panic. I don't know if it's just because it's already in my mind that I'm anxious about this or if it's because I acknowledge that I like her, which in turn causes me to worry.

Again, thanks so much!

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Guest dandy1324

You have to take a leap of faith that your current thoughts are just another brand of OCD and deal with them as if they are OCD. You've been through other themes; this is just another theme for you to deal with.

Was this the method that you found worked best for you? Were you ever afraid of finding out your thoughts were true?

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I spent oh, about 35 years believing I was a pedophile. It wasn't a matter that I was afraid I'd find out I was one, OCD had convinced me I was one. When I got diagnosed with OCD I took a huge leap of faith. Every fibre of my being was screaming that I was a terrible, bad person. But I dealt with it like it was all OCD anyway. It all ended up turning out alright. Took a while, but it was worth it.

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Guest Amatchlesslove

Polar Bear, are you without symptoms of OCD right now? How long did it take for you, do you remember? I've read through a lot of your insights on random posts and I really feel ministered to in a deep way by what you share. Just wanted to say thanks.

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I get intrusive thoughts from time to time but I deal with them properly, identifying them as intrusive OCD thoughts and dismissing them without doing any compulsions. I am on meds, which helped me greatly. I practiced CBT relentlessly to deal with the thoughts meds did not take care of. I'd say it took me a good year to overcome my OCD once I started.

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Hi polar bear. I've not been on the forum for ages but feeling anxious has brought me back and I saw your post. Can I ask if you ever experienced what I do....I have the same worries from time to time and it has in the past made me try to end it all, I hate it so much. My problem is I seem aware of every twinge sensation movement and then end up worrying I have deliberately moved in order to "touch" someone inappropriately. I'm forever tensing if people / kids are near me for fear I will do something bad even though I don't want to. I trust my therapist who says any movements I feel I'm making are insignificant and I should trust that I'm a good person. But as you all know it's so hard. Sorry to just come out with it. I worry I don't hear of other sufferers saying the same thing.

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Hi mc. You're not alone. I've had similar symptoms and I've met several people on the forum who have had the same thing. It's nothing terribly unusual. Remember that an obsession is an intrusive thought, image, impulse or urge (or combination of these). It is perfectly normal within an OCD context to get the thought that you're going to touch someone innapropriately and an urge to do so. At the same time you move even the slightest bit and your brain convinces you that you were just about to do it. Of course, you never do. That's the thing. You never do reach out and touch someone the wrong way. And you won't because it's all made up nonsense from OCD.

Do your best to ignore the sensations. They are meaningless. Leave them alone.

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