here again

[Benster]

so since the last time I posted, I've been back on track and happy (independently, without the use of medication or anything) but a week or so ago, the "trans" OCD returned, but it's a little different this time.

Let me just mention, I first put this thought off (and also laughed in its face) because I thought it was just because of sexuality.

The fear this time is not only based on fear of transitioning to female, but also being trans itself.

As a child, I NEVER had any gender issues, and if you asked 10-year-old me if I thought I would ever feel the need to become female, I would probably laugh in your face. And, I don't remember feeling female.

I can sometimes get "camp" if around friends, usually just to make them laugh or if I'm being sassy (or whatever you want to call it, joking about). A lot of my friends are female, it's how it's always been, and although I have male friends, I'm around females a lot more, so I pick up traits from them (example: things they say).

You could probably say I was what a mum would describe as a 'typical teenaged boy', eats a lot, has a messy room, has abit of an attitude, and what (I think) is more of a male trait, getting mad if someone follows your instructions wrong, or stands in the way of you.

I enjoy English lessons, ICT and I enjoy sports, but I don't participate much because I'm not very confident, and some other boys can get quite mad if you play on a team and do something wrong.

Up until I discovered I was gay in May, I wasn't exactly feminine, so it's more somethimg that's developed since then, and I have an older gay male friend who's quite feminine, and I get quite a few traits or sayings off of him, who, as far as I'm aware isn't transgender.

Another trait of mine, what this (or what I hope is) OCD is using against me, is how caring I am for others. For example, (I think this is sort of OCD as well), if I see an 'obese' woman, or a shy girl in public or at school, I feel some form of sympathy for them, or say if I'm on habbo (a virtual game for teens), and I'm socialising on there, and see someone who could potentially get teased, I get an urge to add them as a friend, so I don't forget their username, and I'm not sure why I do any of those. I think it's partially how I was brought up but some 'second voice' sort of thing in my head tells me "it's a female thing to do".

I also look back on ALOT of childhood memories to see if I felt female or not then, or to see which role I played. I was (very mildly) into my sisters dolls houses, but I was also into play mobile houses, and I'm now into the Sims, so I think that was more to do with acting out life (or life simulation).

My last post was about porn, and I never ever watch straight porn, although I could sometimes get off to lesbian when I thought I were still attracted to girls (and I probably still could, but I wouldn't really want to).

I've always thought of myself as male through and through, and it's only since this OCD has returned that I've begun to feel "female", but I think it could be somethimg to do with how much I think about it?

I also suffer with tics disorder and have done since I was Year 1 (ages 6/7). And they flared up the same time as the OCD did. And someone once told me they were linked.

Thanks, any advice is welcome (but remember- no reassurance as it worsens the issue!)

Ben x

[Gemma7]

Hi Ben, you seem to have done a lot of thinking about being trans and I think that is your main problem. You are checking your past to see if you wanted to or acted female, you are checking how people around you behave to see how they act or behave to compare yourself. No doubt you have probably researched the issue also and ruminated a lot. All of these are compulsions simply adding to your uncertainty about what gender you feel.

There is definitely no set rule on how the genders act or what they like. I am a womam who likes video games and formula one, I also bake cakes and like soft furnishings. We are all different and complex.

Try to treat your problem as ocd stop doing the compulsions and concentrate on getting on with life.

[ThreeTimesGuy]

Hi Benster,

You sound like a very nice person and I don't think that this has anything to do with being gay or straight or trans. It's a great quality to have, although people will sometimes abuse it. So don't knock yourself for caring about people, this isn't reassurance as such, it's the truth. Don't led OCD deny you of your best traits, because it will rob you of these if it can (nasty little illness).

Stu,

[PolarBear]

Hey Ben. I'm not sure if the trans thing is ocd or if it's just you questioning things in light of your sexual orientation. In either case try not to dwell on it. Rather let life guide you and just be happy with who you are.

Edited December 18, 2015 by PolarBear