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Haven't a clue who I really am now


Guest lucylia

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Guest lucylia

I have an app with a new pysch tomorrow which I was looking forward to. But tonigjt my son annoyed me ALOT. I had this awful thought that I ahulsnt give him into trouble and the wort most hurtful thing I could do would be to tell him I didn't love him, this thought made me feel "empowered". Of course I never said anything of the sort to him but I kept trying to feel bad for thinking this and I didnt/don't ... I genuinely feel like I dont. So I sat here wondering what im supposed to tell this new psych about myself because I feel a little lost I feel unsure if im a cold person who has lost any care or if I have a little PND or if I'm just pure evil. I have no idea who I truly am?? Is this odd

Lucy xxx

Edited by Ashley
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You are Lucy - just a tired and stressed Lucy with OCD, by the sounds of it.

To anyone else it is clear that you do feel very bad about it - you wouldn't be here worrying otherwise!

You didn't say anything to your son, and that is what matters. Incident over. Try not to overthink what happened.

Just tell your new psych(iatrist/ologist) how you are feeling and coping. Let them know if you are struggling.

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Guest lucylia

But I feel so unsure about everyrhing and im even wondering why I came here ... Having thoughts like "why the hell would I care what this lot thought of me .... Ive never had these sorts of feelings before so it's all very alien to me. Ive always been inspired by the people in here and have met some lovely ones and value all opinions and now tonight my heads saying I don't care really and trying to figure out how to act around my new psych tomorrow when I'm not sure who I really am ? I feel like it's all going to be put on. Like I act very polite in public in comparison to my friends and family so im thinking why should I go in there and be all "hi I'm Lucy nice to meet you bla bla" when that's like im lying about who I am inside. I know im not making much sense sorry xx

Lucy xxx

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Lucylia,

You're making perfect sense. Normally I would say something sensible like 'Tell this psych that you're feeling like this' but I'm feeling like you too. This is fuelling you and me, Im aware, but sometimes I feel like this social chameleon; I don't know who I am too!!

TTG x

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Ditto what ThreeTimesGuy said - you're making perfect sense (or as much sense as OCD ever makes anyway ;)) and I often feel the same.

Try not to focus on how you're acting, and you'll just be yourself. Tell them your concerns if you can.

For tonight, distract yourself as much as possible, or you'll just end up going round in circles and thinking yourself into an even worse place (if you're anything like me).

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Guest lucylia

It's like i know I'm a heartless selfish person who says mean things but I feel like i don't care - then at the same time I must care or it wouldn't bother me that I feel these things .. I feel like I can't evev Get the words out on screen to use to explain this. How frustrating ?

Lucy xxx

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Guest silverlight

Yep! I know what you mean!! :) I do things impulsively, as if I don't care and am careless, but then afterward it really bothers me so I guess I must care deep down, just acted stupid for a moment...

Edited by silverlight
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Do you guy's avoid criticising people, trying never to put people down but going way too far and not sticking up for yourself?? Or helping someone on here and then half an hour later thinking' what do I really care about them', but I do care, I hope anyway.

There's always a fear that Im being dishonest, superficial or arrogant. Is this how you all see things, you Lucy, seeing as it's your thread, not mine, my apologies?? People without OCD don't even seem to realise that they're doing this and sometimes saying things that are openly mean, maybe I'm just a wimp!!

Edited by ThreeTimesGuy
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Guest lucylia

Hey three times,

It's hard to explain. I don't think I avoid being critical at all. Sometimes I think I get to much pleasure from being mean which leads me to think im evil. But I don't know if I am or just feeling depressed just now so it makes me feel better when I put others down. I know shame

On me ? im not proud of

Myself (at least I hope im not). I just don't know who I am as A person anymore. Good or bad? Mental and crazy or relatively normal? I go over n over in my

Mind who am I really? Who is Lucy?? But o can't figure me out xx

Lucy xxx

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Guest lucylia

It's horrible ain't it maze? My app isn't until 2. It's a sort of introduction appointment tho. Only 30 mins. So i guess it will be a bit of a "quick get to know Me" and ... See u next time lol. I wish I could pay someone professional to spend a whole week with me. I always feel like I leave apps forgetting to have said something and trying to remember for next time xx

Lucy xxx

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I think OCD can make us doubt ourselves and who we are: right now, I'm wondering if I've lost my conscience and if I'm a bad person, a deviant, a psychopath, etc. I feel I should be more guilty for some of the things my brain came up with, but I don't and I wonder what that means about me.

Questioning general stuff in my life also made my OCD flare up in a different kind of way - my sense of self, my sense of religion, etc - and I was hit by anxiety, hard. I sobbed to my Mum that I didn't know who I was and she looked at me helplessly and told me I was me. I've often struggled with myself when it comes to religion, so that hasn't been good.

Don't forget, we're always growing, always learning. And we don't have to be anything we don't want to be. And we have OCD, so... obviously we're going to do a whole lot of doubting, oui? :hug:

C x

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