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I'm new, could I have OCD?


Guest sunlit

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Guest sunlit

Hi!

So I'm 18 and I've been experiencing some behaviour that could be a symptom of OCD for a couple of months now. I know I can't get really diagnosed here, but maybe someone could help.

Firstly, I have a lot of trouble reading, because I have to read every word and letter (precisely) in my mind as I read. Moreover, I actually have to lay my eyes on every single line in every single letter. I'm the most obsessed with the dots in "i" or "j", because I have to stare at every dot, while counting 1234 1234 1234 1234. It's like my eyes have to SEE every part of the letter for the same amount of time. I'm Polish, so I often watch movies and tv series with english subtitles and this behaviour causes me to re-read everything (often for like 10 or 20 times) the characters are saying, until I won't give the same amount of attention to every letter and every dot. That's why it takes me twice as much time to watch anything. When I watch something without the subtitles, I have to understand every spoken word. If I can't, then I must look for scripts on the Internet.

(Sometimes I can stare at a letter or at a dot for more than a minute, until it feels right)

The second thing is that I always have to check twice if the doors are locked or if the cooker is off. I don't have the obsessions about burglary or burning the house down, I just have to make sure everything is okay. I'll check the door even if I'm 100% sure that I locked it. Also, that's a bit embarrasing, but after I use the toilet and flush, I have to check if I flushed everything by raising the toilet lid. I do it a couple of times until it feels right.

I touch everything a couple of times, until it feels right. Like, if I touch something with 3 of my fingers, then I have to touch it again only with another 2 of my fingers. Everything has to be touched symetrically and evenly (I hope I say it right). If I step on something with the middle part of my foot, then I have to step on it again two times - with my toes and my heel.

I have to sprinkle my eyes (?) every morning (I wear lenses and my eyes are dry) and because I have to do it evenly on each eye, I can put even 10 drops on each eye. That's why I use bottles with eye drops very quickly.

But I'm quite a messy person, and I don't need to have everything in an order or clean. I don't know if that's a stereotype or real symptom for every person with OCD.

The last thing is that I've been having huge amount of thoughts on my sexuality. I'm kinda sure I'm straight, because I always stare at guys and I like guys, but this little voice in my hand is making me think I might be bisexual. And even though I almost always feel good identifying as a female, I'm often thinking if I'm not cis, but somewhere on the gender spectrum. So even though I'm kinda sure I'm a cis straight girl, I'v watched every coming out video and I watch a lot of trans youtubers.

I don't really want to tell my parents about all of this, because I already feel as a burden to them. They had a lot of troubles with me and I like them to think it's all over. I had depression, anorexia and suicidal thoughts. They took me to a psychologist and they always had to worry about me. I've been keeping it all a secret, but it's getting so hard to live with it.

Thank you for the answers :)

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