New development, need advice PLEASE REPLY

[pureosufferer]

As any of you who have read my previous posts will know, I have been a lifelong pure o sufferer and my obsessions have probably take every possible form throughout the years. I had 4 OCD free years before it returned in February and has made my life a living hell ever since. One of the ways it has done this which has only popped up over the last 2 months is to give me severe intrusive thoughts with no feelings of physical anxiety. I have the mental worry and still perform compulsions but there is no rush of adrenaline and feeling of panic, just the "oh, no, that proves the thoughts are wanted and not intrusive, that's it, life over." type anxiety. This week I've been trying to start ERT again after a break of two weeks when I simply found it too distressing and difficult to do.

 

A couple of days ago I started having these really strong intrusive thoughts but being drawn to think them, rather than fight them, which made me worried for a start. These, coupled with the lack of anxiety have got me ruminating a lot about what this could mean. I am feeling like these thoughts are actually desires and they just don't seem to bother me which just get's me very mentally distressed (but still with no physical anxiety) as this seems to confirm my fears about the thoughts being wanted. It feels like I'd like the thoughts if I'd only let myself. A couple of times I have just let the thoughts into my head to prove to myself they're unwanted but that has backfired with a mental response and feeling of response of "see, you're enjoying this, these thoughts are really you". I don't know what to do anymore.

Anyway I just want this to stop. I want to stop having these thoughts (which I know is not possible - I do CBT and I know the score) but I just don't want to be the kind of person in these thoughts and I just want to be a normal guy again like I have been for the last four years.

[PolarBear]

I'm going to break down what you said.

First you said, "...severe intrusive thoughts with no physical anxiety."

Then you said, "I have the mental worry..." followed by "...no rush of adrenaline and feeling of panic..." followed by "...just the oh, no, that proves the thoughts are wanted and not intrusive, that's it, life is over type anixety."

Then you go on to talk about "lack of anxiety," followed by "no physical anxiety."

So which is it? Do you have anxiety after getting these intrusive thoughts or not? You talk about not having a rush of adrenaline and feeling of panic, but where did you read that obsessions cause a rush of adrenaline and a feeling of panic? Obsessions cause distress, whether the distress is called panic, anxiety, guilt, shame, fear, etc. There's no hard and fast rule how you should feel after an obsession.

Now it's common for people to have thoughts that they might like the thoughts, that that's who they really are. Nothing new under the sun there.

At the end of the day, you still have to do the right thing to move forward. You need to identify the compulsions you perform and stop doing them. You said you ruminate over the thoughts. There's a big compulsion and something you need to work on stopping.

[pureosufferer]

As I stated I get MENTAL anxiety, worry which causes me to ruminate, but no PHYSICAL anxiety, the rush of adrenaline and panicked feeling in the chest. I haven't read anywhere that intrusive thoughts cause these but in my experience of pure o which has lasted more than 30 years this has been the way it has gone up until the last 2 months. That's why it's so scary, it's all new to me.

[star26]

I have read this quote numerous times: "if you think it might be OCD, it is". OCD is tricky and in my experience it likes to morph once you've gotten a handle on it so that it can get back in. The fact that you are so worried about this, the fact that there is that little voice saying "see, you actually like this", the fact that you are testing yourself, the fact that you're saying you don't want to be "that kind of person" - that all sounds like OCD to me. I think it is really important for you to start doing the ERT again, even if it is stressful. This is OCD - don't let it make you think it's not. You are still the same normal guy you've been, OCD is just rearing its head again. You can beat it!

[Em24]

2 hours ago, pureosufferer said:

As I stated I get MENTAL anxiety, worry which causes me to ruminate, but no PHYSICAL anxiety, the rush of adrenaline and panicked feeling in the chest. 

I would say this is just a new theme of OCD. It's the same pattern of thoughts which cause distress, rumination (compulsion) and getting stuck in the OCD cycle.

So what if u don't get a physical panic? Except it and move on as best you can. Like you would to beat any other theme of OCD.

X

[PolarBear]

pureo, it sounds like OCD is simply manifesting differently right now. Trust me that not everyone feels physical anxiety after an obsession. The point is the thoughts cause you distress, which leads to compulsions. That's OCD.

[Guest BadgerFox]

I wish we could convince you to un-hook yourself from this one key point! The lack of physical anxiety seems to be really sticking you for the moment, but...as PolarBear says, it shouldn't be. 

Like I say, I too have gone/am going through a period where the thoughts have stopped producing that familiar 'whoosh!' of adrenalin, and instead just provoke a disturbing sensation of discomfort, mental upset and unease. I completely agree that it feels peculiar. But it IS fading. It's a natural stage that OCD fears go through as they lose their power. And maybe this is similar to what non-OCD people experience when they have worries? They may not get the palms-sweating, heart-pounding, anxiety-attack worries we get, but maybe they get this type of grinding, doubtful unease?

Also, about the therapy difficulties : have you considered exploring with the therapist whether you're doing exposures for slightly the wrong theme? It's rare, but there have been cases where OCD people haven't made progress in therapy because their actual fear was different from the assumed one. For example, one woman had a fear not just of harming her child, but of NOT KNOWING IF she had harmed her child. The standard exposures didn't work for her until they figured it out. Then the therapy began working. Another guy had a fear not of the house burning down, but of NOT BEING ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT the house burning down. So, obviously not to encourage you to abandon work on your regular therapy, but if you have any reason to suspect the exposures aren't targeting the right theme, it might be something to discuss.