Boyfriends OCD getting worse, need advise

[Guest sb2016]

Hello,

I am new to this but recently I haven't known where to turn and I just wanted to feel like I wasn't on my own about all of this.

First things first is that I adore and love my boyfriend more than I can explain and I am always  there for him. We have been with each other for 3 years and recently moved in together in February of this year! 

When we first met at university I didn't know about his OCD, and to be honest I didn't know a lot about OCD I just thought it was 'washing their hands all of the time' but within a couple of months into the relationship I realised that this was very much not the case. 

I know he is afraid of harm coming to others, and that he can't listen to the news on the radio (the radio will be switched off in the car when the news comes on) and it cannot be played on the television as he doesn't want to hear about it because it makes him worry which sets it off. He will also get very panicky in public places and sometime for example avoids walking up supermarket aisles if they look really busy as he doesn't want people bumping into him or me 

One aspect that I struggle with the most is that he makes me do his routines, I.e washing hands after putting shoes on, applying hand gel after touching communal areas (e.g door handles of public doors) . When we are out in public he gets very concerned about people bumping into me, or sometimes we will have to leave somewhere because he gets very stressed out. Although all of these things may be very normal to people who suffer with OCD, it is not for me and I struggle with being forced to do these things.

I have always explained to him how it is effecting me, and sometimes get very emotional. I always refuse to join into his rituals but this makes his temper set off and always ends up with arguments because I say no to washing my hands or doing any of his routine. I do explain to him that I don't have OCD and that it is wrong to make me do his rituals but I find myself fighting a loosing battle. His OCD only within the past year has made him very short tempered, and I'm just wondering is this sort of temper common with OCD sufferers. 

He has had therapy in the past, and he said that it did help him but since he stopped going he is progressively getting worse and he keeps saying he will seek help but he isn't. I know it's a big step to take but I am finding it so hard to watch someone I love get progressively worse and I feel like I cannot do anything so I feel hopeless

I don't really know what I'm looking for in this forum, I guess I just feel like I have nobody to talk to so getting it out somewhere might make me feel some what better 

Thank you in advance

[Gemma7]

Hi,

Your situation is quite a common one, friends and family often compulse in order to reduce the anxiety of the person they love. It can be common also that the sufferer becomes agitated when their loved one won't do a compulsion,  particularly if they have done it before and now are refusing. People with OCD don't have a temper in particular, it is more than likely a side affect of high anxiety. 

In saying that, you have every right to not compulse and to not have someone be angry with you. I am a sufferer and have got angry with my partner, I usually feel terrible after but under no circumstances is it fair on them. 

The best advice I have is for your partner to seek help, go to his gp and request a referral for CBT. If he isn't willing then there are some really good self-help books, particularly Break free from OCD that takes you through cognitive behavioural therapy and how to apply it. It would help you a lot to read it too. 

It is important to have an open dialogue with the sufferer about the negative affect compulsions have on their wellbeing. How the compulsions have become the problem, how they fuel OCD even though in the short term they feel like they help.  

Finally, look after yourself. You are clearly important to him and fighting OCD is hard but you need to keep mentally well too. Seek support here and from those that care about you

[Guest]

If possible, get him to get therapy. Direct him to this website first so he will realise he's not alone. This website is a saving grace for many of us. 

Ocduk will help guide him to good therapy. 

Books that have been helpful are brainlock and break free from OCD.

Edited June 21, 2016 by Orwell1984

[Guest]

A normal-functioning brain vs one under influence of OCD. With time and effort, the brain can be retrained to respond relatively normally.

[star26]

Good for you for not participating in his rituals! That is SO hard to do sometimes, and is also critically important. The suggestions from others on here are good, but I just wanted to chime in and let you know that I am proud of you for being strong about that. Please do take care of yourself and get space from him when it gets too hard.  

[Guest sb2016]

@star26 @Orwell1984@Gemma7

Hi All,

I just wanted to thank you all for taking the time to reply. It's quite reassuring to come onto a Forum like this and have replies from you all!

I have looked into the 'Break Free' book and i think i may purchase it for him, and just explain to him that this will be the first step to helping the situation, and he knows that i am there throughout it all.

I won't say that i refuse to do all of his rituals, as sometimes i really don't want the tension that it causes. To be honest if he tells me to wash my hands i pretend that i have done it, now that may sound horrible or insensitive, but it is what i have to do sometimes just to keep the peace.

One thing i find the hardest is my family don't understand at all, and i don't expect them too but sometimes its hard. I have explained to them in great length what he goes through every day but i guess until you are directly with someone day in day out you will never understand.
  One of the things that sets it off is people visiting unplanned, which is something both of my parents cannot get their head around and now feel like they cannot come and visit us when they want to. My dad turned up one evening unannounced (which i think is perfectly fine) and it just caused so much between us and my partner almost broke down.

Is this something that is quite common?

I can see how much it hurts him to be so restricted, but i think the first step is to give him the option to go through therapy again by himself (Introduce the book) but if this doesn't work then advise to go and see a specialist again

Thank you once again, I'm finding this very helpful just to get everything out to people that may understand

SB

 

[Gemma7]

It is extremely hard to try and get people to understand, OCD is very complex and is poorly understood. All you can do is try to educate your family where you can. 

I'm not sure how common it is for sufferers to not like unplanned visits from family but I know I have felt like that as have probably many others. The more compulsions you do the more you live on the edge where you feel like something small and out of the blue happening could mean extreme anxiety followed by doing loads of compulsions. So in your partners case he may feel that a visitor may trigger his OCD and he wouldn't be able to handle it. Learning about CBT for OCD and doing ERP will get him better prepared for more unpredictable situations. 

You say sometimes you lie that you wash your hands when you haven't. I don't judge you in the slightest but just as a note, my partner has pretended to compulse before and it did affect my trust in him. So if you can, aim to be as honest as you can and try to guide him towards not asking you to wash your hands. I think being able to talk and trust in each other is important. 

I hope that has helped a little and please don't hesitate to come here for help and advice. Being an ffc is an incredibly difficult and taxing job and you all deserve as much support as us sufferers

Edited June 24, 2016 by Gemma7

[Guest Gina]

My boyfriend has OCD and we also struggle with me having to participate in his rituals. I don't have to participate in them most of the time, but a few days out of the year when there is a huge trigger for him I have to sit by him and "help" for so many hours, providing the emotional support by saying things like "it's just the OCD" and "you can do this." We've gone for 2 AM dinners because of his checking rituals delaying us for hours. I've encouraged him to go back to therapy to work on his biggest issues, but he hasn't gone back yet. We've been together almost 6 years and it's still incredibly stressful for me because he depends on me in his darkest times. He also gets the tempers. Hang in there!

I have found that people who don't personally know someone who has OCD, or people who do not suffer from OCD themselves, really don't understand the disorder at all and have no idea how devastating it is. Then they joke about being "OCD" about things like keeping their bathrooms neat, or arranging their pens nicely, but they don't understand that to an OCD sufferer many hours and days are lost to rituals that would take a normal person a few seconds to complete and be satisfied with.

[Guest sb2016]

@Gemma7
Hi Gemma,

Even with my family trying to plan to visit takes extra time for him to agree, and my family then think that they cannot see me. When they leave he has to anti bac everything a long with spraying the floors. I would just rather people didn't come round with everything that has to be done after.

@Gina

Hi Gina,

His rituals do not last for as long as your boyfriends does but i will say he is never on time for things as he doesn't take into consideration everything he has to do (wipe things, check things a certain amount of times etc).
  Its the tempers which is one of the things that upsets me the most, because i almost feel like he turns into a different person. 10-15 minutes after he has had a temper he will then apologize and knows he has done wrong. With the rituals as well, if i haven't washed or applied anti bac gel onto my hands, and then if i touch my hair he almost forces me to wash it, to the point he will not sleep in the same bed as me. (This is a pain to me because i want to avoid washing it every day as its long) But its things like this that i am forced to do in order to keep everything at peace.

I will say that my Dad mostly does not understand it. Multiple times i have had to try my hardest to explain and when i think they have an understanding they don't. They will want to turn up to my house within the next 5 minutes and get upset with me when i say they can't. He isn't neat at all though, i would say that i am tidier than he is and i like everything to be in place and to be clean, but that's just because it makes me feel good!

I am also from an area that he doesn't particularly like, so when i see my family members he doesn't want me to hug them and if so then i have to shower because he see's that i am dirty because they live in this area that his OCD has fixated on.

Does OCD fixate on area's?

Thank you once again

[PolarBear]

OCD sufferers can fixate on anything. The list is endless.

[Guest Gina]

On June 28, 2016 at 08:34, sb2016 said:

Hi Gina,

His rituals do not last for as long as your boyfriends does but i will say he is never on time for things as he doesn't take into consideration everything he has to do (wipe things, check things a certain amount of times etc).
  Its the tempers which is one of the things that upsets me the most, because i almost feel like he turns into a different person. 10-15 minutes after he has had a temper he will then apologize and knows he has done wrong. With the rituals as well, if i haven't washed or applied anti bac gel onto my hands, and then if i touch my hair he almost forces me to wash it, to the point he will not sleep in the same bed as me. (This is a pain to me because i want to avoid washing it every day as its long) But its things like this that i am forced to do in order to keep everything at peace.

I will say that my Dad mostly does not understand it. Multiple times i have had to try my hardest to explain and when i think they have an understanding they don't. They will want to turn up to my house within the next 5 minutes and get upset with me when i say they can't. He isn't neat at all though, i would say that i am tidier than he is and i like everything to be in place and to be clean, but that's just because it makes me feel good!

I am also from an area that he doesn't particularly like, so when i see my family members he doesn't want me to hug them and if so then i have to shower because he see's that i am dirty because they live in this area that his OCD has fixated on.

Does OCD fixate on area's?

Thank you once again

Oh dear, this certainly sounds completely disruptive to his personal relationship with you and your family. The tempers are very upsetting, I agree. I think that's something you need to talk to him about. OCD is very frustrating so understandably he gets emotional about it, but that doesn't give him an excuse to always upset you with his temper. Try to remind him, when he's in a calmer state, that it's very upsetting when he lashes out during OCD tempers so he needs to try to do something to calm himself so it's not disturbing his relationship with you so badly. His rituals with making you be perfectly clean are not acceptable and those are things he definitely needs to attend therapy about so he can learn "it is OK for me to touch my girlfriend and sleep in the same bed even if she did not just wash her hair or sanitize, and her family is not dirty, those are just my thoughts and there is no reality to them." You should not have to participate in his contamination rituals. He needs to see a therapist who specializes in OCD. I'm positive those are some issues that can be resolved to a manageable level.

[SnookerTable]

I am a sufferer and have gone through most of the known themes and understand fully just how very bad ocd can be for sufferers, and that some family members just do not understand at all anything about ocd and just how bad this condition can be

Medication effects us all differently, and doctors sometimes prescribe anti-psychotic medication for ocd as well (Don't be alarmed us ocd sufferers are not at all in any way psychotic, its just this medication is also prescribed for purely anxiety conditions like ocd), and this medication has really helped me along side my usual ssri anti-depressant of fluoxetine (Prozac)

I think medication could relieve his anxiety to a level where cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) could be most effective, or where he could begin to understand that what his ocd is saying is usually not totally really true and then take chances by not doing his rituals very gradually

So I would say he needs to see a doctor for medication and cbt and advice, also if he came onto this forum would understand that he is not alone, its all about understanding that what the ocd is telling you is usually not totally really true and taking chances in not doing his rituals gradually, and in time he will get less bothered by his ocd thoughts

So if he has contamination worries about germs and cleanliness, yes germs may be there as nothing is usually 100%, but that they are so so small that they will not harm you, ocd making a small issue into a false very very big issue in the mind of the sufferer, where he believes totally with what his ocd is telling him or does not want to take a chance in not doing his rutuals, this is classic ocd in how the mind works and ocd can change and jump to any possible new different theme

Edited June 30, 2016 by SnookerTable