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My brother basically told me that my Dad resented me and disliked me and refereed to me as "her" because when I had my nervous breakdown I wouldn't go back into the house and we lived in a car for 14 months. I don't remember much about it, it was over a decade ago and my mental state was so bad I don't remember much from that time or before it. I know he went to hit me once, he locked my Mum and me in the car and took the keys. He said he was going inside (the house), to make a cup of tea but he locked the door and went to bed, we were left with nothing to keep warm and the car was covered in snow. He also tried to crash the car by skidding it on ice and then said so what about killing us. He tried to leave us in the car outside my Nans house in London which is in a nasty area. He threatened me, insulted me, ignored me or complained when I was crying or screaming from anxiety. When people pointed at me and insulted me or laughed at me he ignored it. He called me a burden and then said well thats how he feels. My brother said he took selfishness to another level. But I feel guilty, I feel like I was the one who was selfish for getting sick, for making people be in that car. I should have handled it better. I tried going to the doctor but instead of my Dad saying I was having mental issues he told them I got scared watching a movie. 

I feel anger and hate but also immense guilt. When we were living in the caravan the level of stress was so high, he did everything in his power to make it harder, everything he could, he was totally indifferent to us. But he was also bombarded with insults and put down a lot and blamed for everything, my Mum once said that he makes you say things that you never dreamed you could say and its true, horrible things that would make you feel horrendously guilty afterwards, things you didn't mean but he was cruel and very passive aggressive, he purposefully aggravated my OCD, which he refused to read about and treated as a load of rubbish. I despise the very fabric of his soul, I hope he is burning in hell and yet I feel horrendously guilty and find myself asking God for forgiveness at the same time for things I said in the past.

When he went into the hospital and then the old peoples home, the idea of him coming back gave me panic attacks. Even now he haunts my dreams and anything associated with him brings about feelings of horror and fear. Sometimes I wake up screaming. 

I don't know If I should feel guilty for the horrible things I said or not. It wasn't always like that, once upon a time I used to wait for him to come back with the shopping, I used to pull out his chest hairs, I liked to hear his army stories and I liked his tattoos, I used to ask him to draw me horses and give him half my chocolate bar. My brother says he was always like it but just not as bad but that I was too young to notice. 

I go from hate to intense regret and guilt.

I feel that I am supposed to dig a big hole in my mind and bury it all but I don't seem to be able to dig deep enough.

Do you guys think that I am a bad person?

Thanks for listening, I had to get it off my chest.

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Do you feel this is an OCD issue that you are seeking reassurance on (I am dory I have not read all your topics, so I am not sure if this is a frequent issue for you) or is this a general worry anxiety issue you are just facing?

1 hour ago, Phili said:

But I feel guilty, I feel like I was the one who was selfish for getting sick, for making people be in that car.

What I will say is this.  In this world there are people are callous, uncaring, nasty people and those people don't need permission to become parents. I don't know if your Dad's had his own problems (perhaps from something witnessed in the army) that turned him this way or not, it doesn't really matter it does not excuse the behaviour you describe and I can understand anxiety at the thought of him returning to your home.

So no, I don't think you should feel guilty.  You could not help your problems, but he could have altered his response to your problems.

That said, he is your Dad so maybe to give you peace and allow you to accept his behaviour and try and move on with your life you can somehow find a way to forgive him, doing so may give you comfort and peace.

 

 

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26 minutes ago, Ashley said:

Do you feel this is an OCD issue that you are seeking reassurance on (I am dory I have not read all your topics, so I am not sure if this is a frequent issue for you) or is this a general worry anxiety issue you are just facing?

What I will say is this.  In this world there are people are callous, uncaring, nasty people and those people don't need permission to become parents. I don't know if your Dad's had his own problems (perhaps from something witnessed in the army) that turned him this way or not, it doesn't really matter it does not excuse the behaviour you describe and I can understand anxiety at the thought of him returning to your home.

So no, I don't think you should feel guilty.  You could not help your problems, but he could have altered his response to your problems.

That said, he is your Dad so maybe to give you peace and allow you to accept his behaviour and try and move on with your life you can somehow find a way to forgive him, doing so may give you comfort and peace.

 

 

Its a huge ongoing issue for me that I don't talk about because I worry people will think ill of me.

The trouble is, though I have this hate and anger, it is overshadowed by a need to be forgiven myself. When my Mum went away, my Dad went into hospital, he thought for three years that he had some terrible illness, he had nothing but old people problems and things caused by never taking care of himself. He hadn't bathed for over 20 years, he had been wearing his socks so long that they had glued to his feet, even though he had clean ones. He used to poo himself and wet himself, we thought he was incontinent but he wasn't he just couldn't be bothered to get up and so would wait too long. 

He refused to eat, refused to take his medication and ended up getting pneumonia for the third time in his life and died four months after my Mum went away. I remember forcing myself to cry because I felt so bad that I didn't react with grief. I remember being frightened to have his ashes in the house. The thing is, I feel that my fear and feelings are not warranted but I do feel fear, terror and disgust and yet guilt and responsibility. 

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Oh Phili - it all sounds so awful for you - for you all. It sounds as if your dad may not have been well - but he obviously didn't behave kindly to you when you were not well. It won't be easy, but I think it would be best if you could put it behind you....try to forgive him - or at least accept that what he did - but also try to forgive yourself - although I don't really think there is anything to forgive - perhaps acceptance is what you should hope for..

I don't think in your reactions you have anything to feel guilty about or need to forgive yourself for, but I think the whole situation must have been so terrible, so difficult.......if you can accept what happened - what he did/said, how you thought and felt....and then accept it is in the past and try to move on....

I am so sorry,Phili, that things have been so difficult for you.....
 

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That said, he is your Dad so maybe to give you peace and allow you to accept his behaviour and try and move on with your life you can somehow find a way to forgive him, doing so may give you comfort and peace.

 

I think what Ashley has said about giving yourself comfort and peace is really right......if you can achieve these I think you will be able to move on and hopefully find relief and beable to move forwards.

Thinking of you xx

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