Advice would be useful- came home from holiday

[Guest]

Hello everyone!

I recently went on holiday- (left Friday) and was due to come back home this afternoon. Unfortunately my OCD stopped my from enjoying my holiday and I became very low and had thoughts of harming myself. I decided on the Tuesday afternoon that since Monday, the feelings I had, I couldn't continue with my holiday so I left my family and got the first flight home.

I am feeling much better since coming home and doing my OCD compulsions, I know I should have stayed but I no longer feel like harming myself. Whilst I was on holiday I seriously thought I was about to do something to harm myself but when I knew I was coming home earlier my happiness increased.

I naturally feel guilty for OCD winning and won't be going on another holiday for the foreseeable future. The rest of my family are on a plane home now as I type this.

The thing is, I have OCD and BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder. I am going to receive treatment for BPD much further down the line this year, possibly early next year. I haven't had any further treatment for OCD because my CMHT, Community Mental Health Team are focussing on BPD and I cannot be a part of IAPT for OCD as well as being seen by the CMHT.

Surely it would make sense to tackle the OCD habits whilst I wait for DBT for BPD?

Thanks in advance!

 

 

[Ashley]

 

8 minutes ago, alex2207 said:

Surely it would make sense to tackle the OCD habits whilst I wait for DBT for BPD?

Hi Alex,

Obviously I am not party to the full picture, but I think I would agree with this, I see no reason to delay treating the OCD and there is no reason OCD can not be treated alongside any other BOD treatment.  That said, I am not privy to the full picture so there may be reasons they don't want to offer treatment.

What you need to do is ask the to clarify (perhaps in writing so you can share with us) why they feel they can't treat OCD.  Is there a medical reason, or is it because they don't have the skills to do so (call me cynical, that would be my guess).

 

8 minutes ago, alex2207 said:

I am feeling much better since coming home and doing my OCD compulsions

 

This concerns me a little Alex, I don't sense any realisation that the compulsions are in fact negative, not positive, but maybe it's the way it's written.  When you find the urge to do a compulsion, how much resilience do you find yourself able to offer or are you proactively engaging in them without challenging at all?  

Ashley.

 

[Guest]

59 minutes ago, Ashley said:

 

Hi Alex,

Obviously I am not party to the full picture, but I think I would agree with this, I see no reason to delay treating the OCD and there is no reason OCD can not be treated alongside any other BOD treatment.  That said, I am not privy to the full picture so there may be reasons they don't want to offer treatment.

What you need to do is ask the to clarify (perhaps in writing so you can share with us) why they feel they can't treat OCD.  Is there a medical reason, or is it because they don't have the skills to do so (call me cynical, that would be my guess).

 

 

This concerns me a little Alex, I don't sense any realisation that the compulsions are in fact negative, not positive, but maybe it's the way it's written.  When you find the urge to do a compulsion, how much resilience do you find yourself able to offer or are you proactively engaging in them without challenging at all?  

Ashley.

 

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for replying. I am having a meeting with the service manager and an investigator from a different CMHT next week. I have written a list of issues that need addressing. I will ask why they can't offer treatment for the OCD. What happens if it is the case that nobody is trained to teach CBT etc.?

I hate doing the OCD compulsions, the thought of them fills me with dread, I delay as long as possible- been a few weeks now. I challenge by doing the court case, ERP, behaviour chain analysis and really do hold off for as long as possible. Unfortunately the heat got the better of me! I love it once I have done the OCD compulsions, I'm a new person. New to this world. Exciting, huh?

I don't know why I'm telling you all this but here goes: I feel like I'm being watched by the Government. I feel like if I have an argument or doing something wrong they will turn up at my house and say you! You are a bad person! If I'm a new person and wash bedsheets etc. then if they tried to test them, they could see they were clean. Obviously I can't do everything so I know it's false but this is how I feel.

OK, good to have shared!

 

[Guest]

@Ashley 

[Ashley]

On ‎01‎/‎07‎/‎2016 at 13:44, alex2207 said:

I will ask why they can't offer treatment for the OCD. What happens if it is the case that nobody is trained to teach CBT etc.?

I think the first question is fair, you need to explain to them that OCD plays an enormous significant impact on your daily life, and you would like them to clarify why they want to ignore it in terms of treatment.

The second aspect of your question here perhaps needs rewording. They will almost certainly have someone trained to deliver CBT.  The better question to ask is do they have anyone knowledgeable and skilled to treat moderate to severe OCD?

 

On ‎01‎/‎07‎/‎2016 at 13:44, alex2207 said:

I love it once I have done the OCD compulsions, I'm a new person. New to this world. Exciting

This is the part I don't understand. I get that you fight the OCD and try and resist the compulsions which we can all relate to I am sure.  But this aspect of pleasure you get from the compulsion I am not sure it's a feeling I can relate to, I would always feel drained even after doing a compulsion. Maybe someone else will recognise what you describe.

 

On ‎01‎/‎07‎/‎2016 at 13:44, alex2207 said:

I feel like if I have an argument or doing something wrong they will turn up at my house and say you! You are a bad person!

Would this matter?  Just because someone calls us a bad person does not mean we are, it's just their perception and their perceptions might be flawed.

 

 

[PolarBear]

I believe what is going on with Alex is that he believes if he carries out certain compulsions that his existence is renewed. I've run into a few people like this. They think of doing the compulsions ad cleaning the slate. Inevitably the feeling does not last and requires a new reboot, so to speak.

The point Alex, is that no matter what you do, you cannot restart or renew your life.

[Guest]

19 hours ago, Ashley said:

I think the first question is fair, you need to explain to them that OCD plays an enormous significant impact on your daily life, and you would like them to clarify why they want to ignore it in terms of treatment.

The second aspect of your question here perhaps needs rewording. They will almost certainly have someone trained to deliver CBT.  The better question to ask is do they have anyone knowledgeable and skilled to treat moderate to severe OCD?

 

This is the part I don't understand. I get that you fight the OCD and try and resist the compulsions which we can all relate to I am sure.  But this aspect of pleasure you get from the compulsion I am not sure it's a feeling I can relate to, I would always feel drained even after doing a compulsion. Maybe someone else will recognise what you describe.

 

Would this matter?  Just because someone calls us a bad person does not mean we are, it's just their perception and their perceptions might be flawed.

 

 

I will do, thanks Ashley.

OK, thank you. I will definitely ask in the meeting- thanks.

I feel drained doing the compulsion, however, once I'm near the end I get really manic and excited as I am a new person!

'perceptions might be flawed' - doesn't mean that they aren't flawed? They might be but we cannot guarantee.

[Guest]

13 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I believe what is going on with Alex is that he believes if he carries out certain compulsions that his existence is renewed. I've run into a few people like this. They think of doing the compulsions ad cleaning the slate. Inevitably the feeling does not last and requires a new reboot, so to speak.

The point Alex, is that no matter what you do, you cannot restart or renew your life.

Yeah, that's exactly what it is. Resetting I call it.  

I know that's true- but when I do my compulsions I can forget about every bad thing just like that! Otherwise the bad thoughts stay in my head until I reset.

[PolarBear]

You need to learn to get on with your life without resetting, which doesn't work anyway. You have to put up with the anxiety caused, which usually goes away on its own.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

You need to learn to get on with your life without resetting, which doesn't work anyway. You have to put up with the anxiety caused, which usually goes away on its own.

But it doesn't. The anxiety never fades with me.  

[PolarBear]

There's another part to that Alex and that is you're anxiety isn't going to go down if you continue to do compulsions. I imagine on top of the resetting you do you probably ruminate over the subject, keeping it top of mind.

My point is your desire for a new life is a mirage. You reset but something comes along to muck it up and then you have to do it again and again. It's not working.

[Ashley]

22 hours ago, alex2207 said:

I know that's true- but when I do my compulsions I can forget about every bad thing just like that! Otherwise the bad thoughts stay in my head until I reset.

Ok, but at some point the rest button will no longer work Alex, so it's important you push your Dr's to help you learn to understand you don't need to and resist resetting.   Polarbear is right, I suspect you are ruminating over the subject (like the bullying prat) and so the anxiety will remain.

Eventually you will need to accept that you can't reset life, craap happens, we just deal with it.

[Guest]

17 hours ago, PolarBear said:

There's another part to that Alex and that is you're anxiety isn't going to go down if you continue to do compulsions. I imagine on top of the resetting you do you probably ruminate over the subject, keeping it top of mind.

My point is your desire for a new life is a mirage. You reset but something comes along to muck it up and then you have to do it again and again. It's not working.

I sure do. Yeah I know. I do resist it for longer and longer but it's at the week stage at the mo.

5 hours ago, Ashley said:

Ok, but at some point the rest button will no longer work Alex, so it's important you push your Dr's to help you learn to understand you don't need to and resist resetting.   Polarbear is right, I suspect you are ruminating over the subject (like the bullying prat) and so the anxiety will remain.

Eventually you will need to accept that you can't reset life, craap happens, we just deal with it.

How do we know it won't work? How do we know the reset button won't fix everything? It has fixed everything for me.

 

[Ashley]

1 hour ago, alex2207 said:

How do we know it won't work? How do we know the reset button won't fix everything? It has fixed everything for me.

It's  not fixed anything if you still feel you need to reset things Alex.

[PolarBear]

1 minute ago, Ashley said:

It's  not fixed anything if you still feel you need to reset things Alex.

Exactly. Because you keep having to do it. Nothing has been fixed. You're still the same person you were before the reset. It's all an illusion that you feed by doing it over and over again.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Exactly. Because you keep having to do it. Nothing has been fixed. You're still the same person you were before the reset. It's all an illusion that you feed by doing it over and over again.

 

3 hours ago, Ashley said:

It's  not fixed anything if you still feel you need to reset things Alex.

It fixes those problems for me. I am a new person born to the earth. I die overnight and am re-born. Hence why I have to look up how to use a PC etc. A new person to the earth wouldn't know how to do that!

[PolarBear]

It's all a mirage Alex. Nothing changes. You stay the same.

[Guest]

54 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

It's all a mirage Alex. Nothing changes. You stay the same.

But I die overnight? All of the mistakes I made before I died don't count once I die. You mean even though I die overnight and am a new person everything I did before remains the same?

But like a PC reset, I'm back to factory settings and have no past experiences / settings on me. 

They're coming for me and I need to be prepared. The government are watching my every move. 

[PolarBear]

You don't die overnight either Alex.

This is now beyond OCD. You need to seek help on how to deal with this.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, PolarBear said:

You don't die overnight either Alex.

This is now beyond OCD. You need to seek help on how to deal with this.

I do! I die. It's re-incarnation. I don't know who to ask. I have Borderline Personality Disorder but everything is too much at the moment.

The Government are coming and will tell me I'm a bad person.

[PolarBear]

You could start by talking to your doctor about your resets and how you feel.

Edited July 4, 2016 by PolarBear

[Guest]

I can't do it anymore. My GP doesn't know what to do. She's stuck and the CMHT just go through some emotional coping skills. I feel I have two divides.

I need help for my personality disorder and paranoia and current suicidal thoughts and intention

I need help for the OCD

I just don't know what to prioritise.

[PolarBear]

Well this is way beyond Ocd. You need the help of a psychologist or psychiatrist. I'd talk to your doctor and tell them you must get in to see one.

[Guest]

I've seen a Psychiatrist and they put me on meds. Thanks for replying.

[PolarBear]

Can you get back to see that psychiatrist? What I'm saying is, don't give up. Push for your right to access mental health services.