Introduction

[Guest Sunshine88]

Hi I just wanted to introduce myself as I have been a long browser of everyone's posts for a good few years but I have never plucked up the courage to sign up and post myself. I would like to thank everyone on here as at some point when I've been in a crisis you have brought me some comfort knowing I'm not on my own. Sorry it's such a long post, it's easier to write things down sometimes 

I'm 28 and for as long as I can remember I've suffered with anxiety and ocd. I officially got diagnosed about 6 years ago with anxiety and then with ocd a bit two years ago. Since a child I've always had anxiety which presented itself in panic attacks and unnecessary worry and intrusive thoughts. This was never picked up on though everyone just thought I was a sensitive child. I would also perform compulsions both in my head and in person. I started going out with my now husband when I was 18, I was quite happy and carefree but I started getting panic attacks and not really understanding what they were or why it was happening. We would go on holiday or try something new and I'd be physically sick I'd be that anxious. I then started with intrusive thoughts of a harm nature and a sexual nature. I remember my first harm thought I was at my mums house and I must have woken up in the night and my mum and boyfriend were still asleep and I just randomly got the thought I could kill them in their sleep right now. Id never felt anything like it, I couldn't get my head around why I would have such a thought and I felt so sick and panicky and had to tell my boyfriend straight away, he laughed it off and over time these thoughts began to creep in more and more. One theme for me is always stronger than the other, il start to get over harm thoughts and then sexual ones will start to take power and vice versa . We bought a house and started planning our wedding and about a year before we were due to get married I just couldn't cope with the thoughts anymore. I confessed to my husband all the sexual thoughts I was getting (at the time the sexual ones were causing me the most anxiety) and he was so understanding , I'd Google what I was experiencing and found it was a form of ocd and that brought me some comfort that I wasn't some sick psychopath  I made an appointment with the doctor he diagnosed general anxiety (I didnt tell him my intrusive thoughts at this stage) and I was put on 10mg of citroprolam which I stayed on for nearly two years. I know the tabelts probably did nothing as it was such a low dose , however the intrusive  thoughts were still there and I still got unnessecary anxiety but knowing I had an illness and other people have it too led me to attach no meaning to the thoughts and I was able to live my life. 

Fast forward three years later my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby. I was in a good place and came off the medication and fell pregnant a few months later. Slowly my anxiety and intrusive thoughts towards my baby started to creep in and at four months pregnant they took hold and I ended up going to the doctors. I didn't want to be on medication so they referred me for cbt. I decided for the sake of my baby I would open up about the thoughts which I did to the counsellor and she was amazing. That first session was so hard all I could do was write down a few of the horrendous thoughts I was having as it was too hard to speak about and she didn't bat an eyelid. We did exposure therapy involving script writing and cbt and I had this up until I gave birth. I was supposed to return after having my beautiful son however I thought I was feeling fine which I was until all the craziness of having a newborn had passed and we were starting to settle into a routine and bam I ended up at the doctors when my son was a few months old convinced I was psychotic and I was going to hurt my son and I just wanted someone to help me. I ended up due to breastfeeding, being put on sertaline 50mg and seeing the crisis team. I had the option to be admitted to hospital but I didn't want to be away from my son. So instead the crisis team came to visit me everyday until I felt better and I went back to my counsellor. Over the months I became in control to the point I wasn't attaching meaning to my thoughts and the anxiety was reduced. In March I decided under the doctor to come off my medication slowly as my husband and I wanted to start trying for another baby. I've been doing well but I did notice once I was medication free the thoughts were starting to become more frequent and the anxiety started to creep back in. We flew out to fuerterventura last week and on the first night I had horrible harm thoughts towards my husband and son and that was it then. Full blown anxiety to the point I couldn't eat, I was in full blown panic mode convinced I was going to harm everyone I came into contact with. I ended up ringing the crisis team at home cause I was so terrified and panicky , they suggested seeing a doctor over there to see if they could give me something to tide me over until I got home. My husband was ready to fly us home early as we were worried about getting separated and me being left there in a hospital. I did see the doctor which was a waste of time as he told me it was all in my head and too relax and gave me a prescription for sertaline which was pointless as its a long term drug and wouldn't have an affect so quickly. I managed to ride it out until we got home today. I saw my gp this morning who's put me back on sertaline and referred me back for cbt. I feel  awful I'm so panicky and I don't want to be on my own. I've been here before and it frustrates me that I can't get that into my head and realise I will feel better. At the moment I just feel so low and hopeless and constantly anxious and terrified of losing control, I don't want to be on my own or be on my own with my son which breaks my heart but I just feel so bad. Does anybody have any advice? I'm trying to sit with the anxiety and carry on as normal but I feel like a fraud and so guilty I don't feel like I deserve to try and live a normal life 

 

[Gemma7]

Hi Sunshine, welcome to the forum

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time but you've reached out for help and that's great. I would recommend the self-help book Break free from OCD, it is a great guide to OCD specific CBT and will help you greatly while you are waiting. Feelings of guilt and anxiety, feeling like a fraud are all common with OCD, you are not alone. I and many others have felt that way at some point. Things can and will get better. 

Obviously try your best not to react to your thoughts. Try and see how compulsions are the problem not the thoughts, and that the thoughts are just mental nonsense that we as sufferers have attached importance to. Do you know how long you will wait to see a therapist? 

[Guest Sunshine88]

Thanks Gemma, I've had a few relapses like this over the years and when I'm feeling well I look back and laugh at how silly it all seems but when your in it and feeling so anxious it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I've got a telephone appointment in the morning with a therapist and then I will get an appointment from there I think I took a few weeks last time 

[Gemma7]

That sounds good, hope you aren't waiting too long. In the mean time just do your best to apply CBT and don't be too hard on yourself, OCD is tough. If you need support the forums are always here