Not sure why?

[Rebekah2016]

So earlier I was with a friends dog and for some reason my mind just said give her nose a little squeeze so I did. It wasn't a hard squeeze more of a light one like you do to baby's cheeks when you say they are cute and I did it for like half a second if that. But what I can't quite figure is if my mind had said to do it because she was cute or was it to hurt her, like I was thinking if I do this it is going to block her nose yet I still did it, even if it was literally half a second. What is with that it's so frustrating. It's got to the point where I hate waking up every morning and living another day.

I'm convinced it's because in my mind I wanted to hurt her! I am seriously struggling with the urges and resisting them which is why I don't think it is OCD anymore, I think I may be more of a psychopath because this isn't normal to have react on urges and it has really got me worried that I have something quite wrong with me, like I'm messed up in the head.

I get really bad harmful thoughts too at the moment, it focuses more on pets at the minute I don't know why. I really wish I had a normal brain and could live a normal life again, I was such an animal person now I hate being around them because of what goes on in my head. I'd really like my old life back before all of this horribleness happened! x

Edited July 21, 2016 by Rebekah2016

[Magicat]

I hate to offer reassurance, because it feeds OCD.

But, it wouldn't even cross a Psychopaths minds that they were so.

Giving the dogs nose a wee squeeze is no more an urge than giving it a pat on the head or a scratch behind the ear. It's the importance than you're putting on the action that's causing you the anxiety.

 

[PolarBear]

It's all OCD. That's all it is. The evidence is that you continually go over what happened. It's so minor it should have been forgotten immediately. But your OCD latched onto it and made it a big deal.

Stop the compulsions. Refuse to get into mind debates over this. Refuse to try and answer the question of what your motive was. Let the matter die.

[Rebekah2016]

Hiya, I know it is so frustrating because I know I've got to stop thinking about it and doing the compulsions but it is so tricky. I have no clue why I find it so difficult because it's so simple to stop.

Same as I kept giving in to the compulsion after I did it the first time, but the other times I was doing it I was just tapping her nose gently whilst playing with her. I just seem to latch on to so many different scenarios. My mind is just one big jumble half of the time x

[Rebekah2016]

Also I forgot to put, it's like I do it just because my mind is telling me to so it so i feel like I need to react to the urge. Same as when I did it to my cats, it was never because I wanted to hurt them it was just as if I needed to do it to calm my compulsion down and I felt like I needed to do it to put my mind at rest. But it still really frustrates me and makes me feel like a bloody awful person. I kind of just wish I had a magic wand to get rid of how my silly mind works 

[taurean]

It will get better Rebeka. We don't have a magic wand, but we do have a lot of knowledge and understanding here. 

OCD " latches onto scenarios" and creates compelling compulsive urges. 

But with a skilful hand guiding us we can learn how to tackle it. CBT is the way forward. 

[Rebekah2016]

Thank you taurean, I am thinking of putting my new address down just for now so I can sign up and go to the doctors and get myself sorted now. I had read on the internet about impulse control disorder and wondered if that could have anything to do with my reactions to urges in the past and now? I'm not diagnosing myself and will certainly ask at the doctors but I just wonder could that potentially be part of it? 

[taurean]

What you have described looks OCD to me - and googling for answers is very much part of OCD compulsive behaviours - looking for answers but creates just more angst - aka you are now wondering " what if it's impulse control disorder? "

 

 

[Rebekah2016]

Just out of curiousness, do you think there is potentially something else that could be causing this. Like others have said people don't react on their intrusive thoughts where as I have. That is why I thought it may be something else or as well as my ocd? I have really struggled with anger problems in the past and even now I do tend to get angry ever so quickly which I know is definitely not normal, thats what made me think it was IED as some of the symptoms described what I am like if I've ever been angry or in an argument.

I hope that makes sense, I'm not trying to diagnose myself and will get an opinion on what else it could be from the doctor I am just curious and I want to get everything sorted so I can go back to being the old me.  

[taurean]

I would agree with what the others said earlier. 

Looking for other reasons, and having thoughts it's maybe not OCD, is actually consistent with having OCD - one of the expressions of theme it is known for. 

We learn in CBT therapy not to give such intrusions attention and meaning   then gradually they tend to fade. 

Like the others have said, I wouldn't fixate on what you did or why. That just strengthens the connection to the disorder. 

[Rebekah2016]

Ah okay, when I go to my doctors do you think I should just mention about reacting to the urges in the past etc, just so they get an idea of what I am going through and whats happened? Sorry for all the questions, I am really scared to talk to the GP as I am convinced once they know I reacted on the thoughts they are going to take my baby away once they are born :/

[PolarBear]

All you need to say is you have obsessions about harming pets and you do compulsions because of it. Biggest compulsion is probably ruminating.

[taurean]

29 minutes ago, Rebekah2016 said:

Sorry for all the questions, I am really scared to talk to the GP as I am convinced once they know I reacted on the thoughts they are going to take my baby away once they are born :/

It's good that has been flushed out - usually it can take some sessions of CBT to flush out the core overriding fear around which the OCD revolves (and this one is a common one with harm OCD themes). 

Keep it simple, like PB says, with the GP - they won't understand about harm OCD like we and an OCD specialist would -  and ask to be referred to an OCD specialist for CBT. 

 

[Rebekah2016]

Okay I won't say too much to the doctor. I'm just hoping I can get someone better than last time. Thank you for your help everyone, again apologies for all of the questions I realise how annoying it must be. I appreciate all of your help so much