How to deal with a parent's constant need for reassurance

[Lynz]

Hi. I'll just get straight to the point. My mother has always been a worrier and will worry excessively about everything and anything. It created a lot of problems for me when I was younger and probably contributed to my own OCD diagnosis, and I can certainly see similar traits in her such as needing reassurance and wanting certainty all the time.

Well, she has this thing where she'll text me every day with just "hi, are you ok?" And if I don't reply within a few hours she will text me the same thing again, and then if I don't reply she will be like "text me back now I need to know if you're ok" etc. Whenever I get these texts they fill me with anxiety because I know that if I don't reply with just "yes I'm fine" then she will keep on at me about it.

I've spoke to her about this on numerous occasions. I've told her that I'm a 27 year old adult with a life, a partner, a flat of my own etc. and she doesn't need to keep checking up on me all the time. I've asked her if she wants to know how I'm doing then she could maybe give me a ring and we can have a chat about what I've been up to and things like that. She will agree to this, and then I'll hear nothing from her for a few days, and then the "are you ok" texts start again. I've tried ringing her myself so as to show her an example of what I mean, we have a nice talk, she'll say she'll speak to me soon, and then again in a few days the demanding texts will start again.

It's not just with things like that though. Going away is a struggle because she will demand that I get in touch with her to let her know I've arrived at my destination as soon as I get there, wanting to know when approximately that will be, and if I'm delayed and don't get in touch with her she will ring me panicking and having a go at me for not getting in touch with her sooner. It doesn't help when I often go away to places such as the Lake District or the Scottish Highlands where phone signal is patchy, and I worry then that she will be panicking and trying to get in touch with me. When I do eventually get signal and contact her she will be like "why haven't you rang me sooner?! I've been worried sick!" etc.

The worst was when I was getting the ferry over to Ireland with my boyfriend. This wasn't the first time we'd gone there, but on this particular occasion my mum demanded that I contacted her to let her know I was ok 1) when we got to the ferry terminal, 2) when the ferry got to Dublin, and 3) when we arrived at my boyfriend's mother's house who we were staying with. I put my foot down at this point and said I wasn't prepared to do that, as I was meant to be on holiday and I should be relaxing and enjoying myself, and I also knew it would cause problems for me and my boyfriend if my mind was elsewhere all the time about getting in touch with my mum. This caused a huge argument for about 2 days and she refused to accept my position. She was calling me selfish, saying that "when I have kids I'll be exactly the same" and things like that. I didn't give in however and said I would contact her one time and that will be when we get to my boyfriend's mum's house. She eventually reluctantly accepted this, but when we finally got to his mum's house the phone signal was patchy and I couldn't get in touch with her, which led to her sending me a load of facebook messages trying to get hold of me. The entire episode really upset me, and because of this I dread going away now, and I dread having to tell her that I won't be contacting her all the time because I know it will cause arguments.

The thing is, she is like this with her own mother. My grandmother is 83 and still demands that my mum let's her know she's ok all the time, especially on holiday and things like that. My mum is also like this with my brother and he feels the same way as me about it.

I was just wondering if anyone has any tips for dealing with this as I'm quite frankly at the end of what I can deal with. I'm going to the Highlands in Scotland for two weeks next month where there is practically no phone signal and I just know that it will cause huge problems.

[snowbear]

14 minutes ago, Lynz said:

My mum is also like this with my brother and he feels the same way as me about it.

First let me say I think you've been very reasonable with your mum, trying to find a compromise between her excessive worrying and living your own life as you are entitled to do.The thing to remember is she's the one with the problem here, not you. So don't let her problem stop you from taking trips! 

Maybe the way forward is to have a chat with you, your brother and your mum together. Both children showing solidarity and setting the same ground rules on what's acceptable 'interference' and what will no longer be tolerated might help. I'd suggest one reassurance call (or text) per holiday maximum.

Try to get her to adopt the mindset that 'no news is good news'. Back in the days before mobile phones that's how everybody approached the absence of loved ones, whether it was for a few hours or weeks on end. She's old enough to remember those days, so it might help to jog her memory. 

It sounds like it might be just a learned habit (with grandmother doing the same thing to your mum) in which case it's about educating her on what's normal and being firm about a necessary change in behaviour. If you think it's related to OCD worries and is compulsive behaviour you can approach it the same way you treat your own OCD - ERP and cognitive work. 

Good luck! 

[Lynz]

Thanks Snowy.

The problem is that even though my brother feels the same way he is prepared at the moment to give in to all of her demands because "it's easier" than having to deal with the drama if he doesn't. I have spoken to him about this before and he doesn't feel like he wants to confront it at the moment, which is his choice I suppose, but his decision to do that makes me look like I'm being unreasonable as my brother is prepared to give in and I'm not.

I think it is learnt behaviour with my mum to an extent but I also think she has this heightened sense of responsibility to try and prevent people from worrying. All of the women in her family are the same in that they're always trying to say and do things so other people "won't worry". When I've spoken to my mum in the past about how she is with her mum she doesn't think there is anything wrong with it and she's happy to do it because it stops my grandmother from worrying about her. Also, my auntie (her sister) is the same with my grandmother as well and with each other. So to them this behaviour is completely normal, and it must make me stand out because I'm the only one "rebelling" from what they perceive as being normal.

Do you think I should just dig my heels in and insist on one call/text per trip for example, and ignore her when she's repeatedly texting me every day demanding to know if I'm ok? I do feel like the texts in particular are a compulsion because if she doesn't get the reassurance then she will get more anxious, and when I reply to her texts she then doesn't reply back to me so it's not like she's starting a conversation with me, rather it is a simple case of seeking reassurance, getting it, and then doing nothing.

Normally I wouldn't mind and I'd accept that this is her problem, but it's affecting my own anxiety and getting in the way of my own independence. I don't know whether to just reduce contact to acceptable levels for me and then she will have to deal with that, but the only problem with that is I get a lot of backlash for doing so and it makes me feel tremendously guilty knowing that I'm ignoring her.

[carolj]

Just wondering whether you could pre-empt the text with one of your own.  Instead of waiting for one from your Mum, how about sending her a quick text telling her you have arrived safely, that you won't have a signal from here on, but if there is an emergency you will use a public phone to ring her?  Then ignore further texts.

Im probably a lot older than you and my Mum and Dad still like to know I have arrived where ever I am going.  I know with your Mum there is more to it than that, but if you could be in control rather than her, you might feel a bit better about it.

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, Lynz said:

Do you think I should just dig my heels in and insist on one call/text per trip for example, and ignore her when she's repeatedly texting me every day demanding to know if I'm ok?

The simple answer is yes, I think you have the right to stand up for yourself, especially when it's affecting your own anxiety.

Quote

 I don't know whether to just reduce contact to acceptable levels for me and then she will have to deal with that, but the only problem with that is I get a lot of backlash for doing so and it makes me feel tremendously guilty knowing that I'm ignoring her.

When families have generations of ingrained behaviour someone has to develop broad shoulders and accept being seen as the black sheep of the family in order to break the unhealthy cycle and reintroduce normality. Unless you want your own children to inherit the same problem this is where you have to boost your confidence level, decide you are doing what is right and stick to your guns. 

It won't be easy and you'll likely face arguments, but making yourself feel guilty about that is pointless. Remember you're trying to help future generations gain perspective and develop a better balance of care/concern. This isn't just about gaining your independence - though hopefully you'll get some of that too.  

Carol's idea of preempting your mum's check-up text is a good one, although I think it could be hard to achieve in practise because of the way your mum starts her check-ins at such an early stage after your departure. Still, something to consider. 

Edited July 27, 2016 by snowbear

[PolarBear]

Look her square in the face and say, "You have an anxiety disorder and it is causing me grief. You need to learn to deal with the anxiety you feel when I'm not in contact while I lead a normal, healthy life. What you, grandma and auntie are doing is not normal nor healthy."

Remember Lynz, we are each in charge of our own mental health. You are trying to change the situation so you are mentally healthier, which you have every right to. This is your mom's problem and she's going to have to come to grips with the change. 

As for the arguments, don't have one. Don't be a party to them. Put your foot down, explain that you are an adult and do not require constant check-ins, you're not going to do it and that's all there is to it. Now if your mom says something about not knowing how she will cope, use what you've learned on the forum and explain to her that she needs to learn effective ways of dealing with anxiety and that can start with a trip to her doctor.

[Lynz]

Thanks for all of your helpful replies 

I like the idea of pre-empting texts but I think in reality, like Snowy said, that could be quite difficult because 9 times out of 10 my mum will be texting or ringing me before I've even arrived to check I've got there safely (even if it's just a couple of hours drive away!). However I like the idea of reminding her of the no news is good news thing and what it used to be like before people had mobile phones. That might help!

I think you're right PB with the brutally honest approach. I wouldn't like to do that normally because I don't like to upset people, but I think it's time for the kid gloves to come off and for me to tell her like it is, tell her what I'm going to do and stick to it.

[PolarBear]

You have to think too that your mom is probably anxious most of the time between texts and calls. It can't be fun for her either. She contacts you looking for am immediate response because it's like a pressure relief valve. When she hears from you the anxiety diminishes. But it's not healthy. If you confront her and stand firm it could be the impetus for her to do something positive about her own mental health.

Good luck.

[Lynz]

Yes exactly. That's why I said it's a bit like OCD as she has these thoughts about me coming to harm, feels anxious about that, and contacts me all the time as a way to relieve that anxiety. She's gotten worse lately though. She used to call me up just to have a general chat, but now whenever she calls (which isn't often as her main method of communication is the "are you ok" texts) she starts the conversation with "I'm just ringing to check you're still in the land of the living". I just think that's a bit of a morbid way to start a conversation with someone, and to me it betrays a deep-seated fear that I might be dead or in some kind of harm, so she's checking up on me to check that I'm not basically.

But it doesn't half make me feel guilty just for existing!

[snowbear]

26 minutes ago, Lynz said:

she starts the conversation with "I'm just ringing to check you're still in the land of the living".

Ha!  

It could be a generation thing. My parents use this expression all the time. It's not morbid and certainly isn't arising from a fear we might be dead.

I think some celebrity must have said it in the 1950s and everybody from that generation says it. It's intended as a lighthearted dig to keep in touch - a friendly way of saying they miss you. Don't interpret it too literally.  

[Lynz]

Ok I didn't explain myself very well there 

I know it's meant to be a lighthearted expression, I've heard other people say it before and it sounds like that but the way my mum says it is different, it's like she's being serious. It's hard for me to explain 

[biscuitcat]

My mum is the same, except for I think because of my therapy she has accepted her anxiety is a bit deeper than she initially thought.
I agree you should let her know that she has an anxiety disorder and whilst you are trying to address yours she isn't helping. But I also agree that maybe letting her know in advance might help. For instance, saying "Mum, I know you're going to worry if I don't get in contact with you, but the signal where i'm going is terrible and i can't spend the weekend worrying about it" also maybe address the fact that if something was wrong your partner or his family would get in contact with her?

 
I think the best way though is to reinforce the fact no news is good news, this then puts you in control and you can contact her for a normal chat, rather than a "i'm alive" sort of chat.
My mum started to wind me up about this earlier this year. If she knows i'm going out and wants me to let her know i'm home and safe we have a secret password. I'll text it to her when i'm home and she knows i'm safe. Sometimes i forget but i'll text her as soon as I remember, it's not too much of a burden and it saves the "are you okay" text and calls. 
Likewise if my phone battery dies i'll let her know on my boyfriends and then neither of us will worry if we can't contact each other. 

[Lynz]

Thanks biscuitcat.

I had a good chat to my boyfriend about all of this last night and he was saying that I can't control or change how she behaves but I can change my reaction to it. So when she's constantly checking on me I can just reply to her once, or if I'm going away I can let her know I'm ok in my own time and in a way that is more normal, and if she is being all anxious about it then I can choose not to react to it and just remain acting calm and rational, as well as choosing not to feel guilty about anything either. I think that is good advice although it might be difficult to implement at first, but I'm going to give it a go!

Yes I'm going to do that for my next trip - just tell her in advance what is going to happen regarding contact and leave it at that, as well as encouraging her to go and get help for her anxiety (although I've been doing the latter for years and it's got nowhere so far!).

[biscuitcat]

Very good advice from your boyfriend.

Maybe she will realise she needs support for her anxiety once you implement the advice. It might give her the opportunity to see how anxious she gets, and then talk to you about it afterwards, then your advice on seeking help might make more sense. 
I hope it goes well, and you shouldn't feel guilty (easier said than done, I feel the same)