POCD - Suicidal Thoughts - Convinced it's not OCD

[Guest Lostandneedhelp]

Hi everyone, first time user here.

At little back story. I suffer from Asperger's which I believe helped me develop OCD and anxiety which I've struggled with for as along as I can remember.

My basic situation now is I was struggling with POCD (Pedophile Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and obviously had massive fears that I was a closet pedophile and just didn't know it. It started about a couple of months ago but has since died down and I don't give it much thought anymore. However what has been plaguing my mind recently is the thought that I may be a Hebephile. This is similar to a pedophile but is instead a preference for children aged 11-14. 

The cause of this worry steamed from when I was reading about what makes people pedophiles (another attempt to find reassurance) and I found that a lot of people that have an attraction to children a certain age often experienced trauma at a similar age themselves. This sparked some fear in me because when I was 14 I had an online relationship with a women who I was convinced was 18. In retrospect she may have been much older and definitely suffered from some issues herself. While the relationship was all online and through phone it became very intimate a lasted until I was 16. I went to an all boys school and didn't know any girls and struggled with social situatiins so I think I found comfort in having someone who said they loved me and made me feel sexy. It was a very sexual relationship as well which adds to the worry.

As I got older I started to reach the age she said she was when we first started "dating" and I was so confused as to what would make her want to have such a relationship which someone so young. She would always say I was mature for my age and when I was 18 she would be 22 etc. But I'm convinced she was much older anyway which disturbs me. It was my first relationship.

I've had relationships with people my own age and older since but I always worry if I'm deep down really attracted to children closer to the age I was when this took place. I often struggle with intimacy and can't often "perform" when having sex with someone I'm not comfortable or close with. I always thought this was due to anxiety and Asperger's but I worry if I was in a situation like that with a child would I be able to perform easily? I find myself always looking back and the girlfriends I've had since then and wondering "did they LOOK their age or did they look younger?".

Hears my biggest trigger: I am usually in a sort of "Head space" to be able to get comfortable around people. A sort of self image and reassurance I am normal and can get by in situations with people. When I "admit" to myself that I'm attracted to children I completely leave that head space and become completely myself, I don't feel like I'm pretending or putting anything on. Some reassurance in this is that thinking this ways is not the only thing that takes me out of that head space. Often whatever is deeply bothering me, if I accept it and let it come I also go into this blank zone where I'm no longer thinking and letting the feelings happen. I've herd about "backdoor spike" and think this could be similar but I still worry that it's just me "accepting" who I truly am.

I've since had trouble getting erections even when looking at porn or adult women and worry, all since leaving that head space and trying to embrace these fears. It's put me in a massive depression and I've started having suicidal thoughts. I've booked an apointment with my doctor to set up some therapy with someone who understands OCD. But I'm so fearful that I'm this broken person deep down. To find out I am attracted to children would mean losing it all. How could I ever hope to have a real relationship with someone my own age. I would never indulge in these fantasies of children and would never harm a child ever.

I don't want to be attracted to children and I don't want to die but I'm so scared wither of those is in my fate.

Can anyone offer some advice or help? 

Thank you

 

[PolarBear]

Hi Lostandneedhelp and welcome to the forum.

Rest assured that what you are going through is very common and experienced by many people. Even thinking you might like the thoughts is normal in am OCD world. The tip off is that this all is bothering you greatly and that us the biggest sign that you are dealing with OCD.

Now it seems the reason you believe yourself to be a hebephile is simply because you were Googling and found a report on the Web. That was a compulsion and it did nothing to further your understanding of OCD. 

Even your troubles with getting an erection can be explained by OCD. Lots of people have problems getting in the mood when they are being bombarded by scary thoughts.

Unfortunately your experience with the online relationship has left you confused and serves as food for OCD to latch onto.

Have you considered talking with your doctor, explaining that you think you have OCD, and seeing if you can then find a therapist specializing in OCD who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy? It's the best OCD treatment there is.

[Guest Lostandneedhelp]

Thank you for getting back to me. I am booking an appointment with my doctor to look into getting a therapist who specializes in OCD and CBT.

I think my biggest issue is the belief that I could be attracted to teenagers/ pubesent children. One comfort is that I have an obvious issue with this as I think it's wrong (making it more ego-dystonic). But there are loads of pedopiles who generally hate their attraction to children and think it's wrong despite that. So how can I be sure I'm not just that?

My fear revolves around that if I truly have a preference for a particular age group, how can I ever hope to have a real fulfilling, sexually, romantic and relationship in life ever again? Of course fear of harming a child is there but I don't ever see myself doing that. I'm more scared of what it would mean for my life and future relationships. Is that selfish? Or worse, is that a bad sign?

 

[Guest Lostandneedhelp]

@PolarBear read above

Edited July 29, 2016 by Lostandneedhelp

[PolarBear]

Lost, the fact that you stated loads of pedophiles don't like being the way they are tells me you've been checking out some unsavoury places on the Web to see if you can figure out if you're a pedophile or not. Pretty common for your theme but do stop doing it. It's a compulsion and will lead to more harm than good.

I suffered from the same theme as you for about 35 years, though my version was more about horrific intrusive thoughts and images. I have talked to many people with your theme on this forum. I have yet to meet a pedophile who came here looking for advice. That bodes well for you.

I wrote a book about my adventures with OCD and I wrote about the same topic you just raised: how do you tell the difference between a pedophile and someone who has OCD with pedophile thoughts. I don't buy that there are loads of pedophiles out there that are truly upset at being attracted to children. They may hate that they could get caught and go to jail. They may hate that society abhors them. But they, at the end of the day, want to have sex with children.

Within OCD, pedophile thoughts are unwanted, ego dystonic, reviled. The thoughts pop into your head without you having to do much of anything. There is no planning of sex with children. There is no attempted luring. The list could go on but my point is there is a big difference between a pedophile and you.

You can still have meaningful, age appropriate relationships even though you have these thoughts. Lots of people do. I think the first thing you have to get straight in your head is that the thoughts are just OCD obsessions, not intentions.

Edited July 29, 2016 by PolarBear

[PolarBear]

I should also point something else out. These unsavory places on the Web, I've heard about them but never visited. I've heard there are people on there who claim they are pedophiles but hate the thought of having sex with children. They want the thoughts to stop. What's to say that those people aren't actually OCD sufferers who don't even know they have OCD?

[Guest Lostandneedhelp]

@PolarBear I understand where you're coming from. I think the turning point for my obsession was this sort of "default" setting my brain seems to go to when I almost "admit" to myself I'm attracted to pubescent children. Everything seems super clear and I'm not in a state of constant thoughts (things just seem to get taken in anturally). I am fearful that is my natural state and I've just been lying to myself deep down. When I was walking to a friends party yesterday, I saw 2 saw young girls and thought about how I could go up to them and talk to them easily, almost in a manipulative manner. This made me feel like maybe I wanted it. Onvioulally this still seemed like checking behaviour but it almost felt "natural". That seemed very pedophilic to me. I would obviousally never do it. I'm just so horrified this could be who I am.

It's the fact they're not prepubescent children to, that the obsession has moved to thinking I'm attracted to pubescent children or teenage girls. Almost feels it could be more likely. I don't feel I can stay in that "natural" and "default" frame of mind because I'm scared it could all be real and that would be it for me.

As for OCD people being on those unsavory sites. I suppose it's possible. But when I say there are pedophiles who don't like their attraction to children. I mean they still feel it despite not wanting to. That's my fear, that I deep down have that attraction but won't indulge in it, for fear of finding out I actually am what I fear.

Edit: this might not be relevant but I've stopped having erections to. I use to look at porn (of adult women) almost daily and now I feel almost disgusted when I do. Is this common? To almost feel like I'm losing sexual interest in adults?

 

The checking isn't "am I a pedopile?". It's gone to "am I a pedopile or is it POCD" if that makes sense?

Edited July 30, 2016 by Lostandneedhelp

[PolarBear]

I encourage you to seek out a diagnosis by a qualified psychiatrist. Your first stop is usually your doctor. OCD UK has an icebreaker form on their main website specific to this OCD theme you can use to help you talk to your doctor.

[Guest Lostandneedhelp]

*Edit:

 

I would just like to add, the fact I've had meaningful and successful relationships with people my age and older isn't much of a comfort. I've read that some pedophiles still enjoy sex with adults and are attracted to them, they're just also attracted to children. So what if I'm that. To me that's just as bad. 

I do believe this could all be OCD but I'm terrified it's not. Because if it's not then my life is over, nothing can be done about that. Even writing on here is me looking for reassurance it's just POCD.  

[PolarBear]

Of course you're looking for reassurance. That is actually evidence that you're dealing with OCD. So is the fact that you are so concerned about all of this.

[Guest Lostandneedhelp]

Thank you, I'm sorry for being so persistent. It's a massive struggle obviously and is making me suicidal for the first time in my life. I'm planning to attend some OCD support groups and working on getting some CBT with a therapist who is experienced in OCD. 

[PolarBear]

Excellent.