Losing Hope

[Guest ShadeofAce]

I'm sorry that everything I post is negative, but just in the last few weeks my OCD has gotten to the point where it's consumed my life. Just a few days ago I was hanging out at my friend's house, when out of nowhere I had the worst panic attack I've ever had. Nothing triggered it, it just happened and I felt like I was going to die for hours afterwards. I haven't had a good night's sleep in over a week, always waking up after 3-4 hours and tossing and turning while feeling like my chest is going to burst. My bed has since become a cesspool of disease no matter how much I wash the sheets, needing me to shower every morning and wasting even more water and making me feel like a massive burden on my family, and I'm even having trouble going in and out of my room since my brain has determined that the doorframe may have become contamination with God Know's what, along with just about everything else in my room.

And just this morning, I had to force myself just to get out of bed. I was fully prepared to just lay there for hours, wallowing in my own sorrow until I starved or somebody found me. Only reason I got out of bed was because my dog insisted. Even working to get on medication and CBT, the fact that it could takes weeks to even months to show any progress makes me worry for the future. The fact that I've had more suicidal thoughts lately (which are one of the only thoughts I can push aside) terrifies me that I might end up hurting myself. Every day it feels like I take one step forward, three steps back.

Is this kind of thing just normal? I've been reading accounts from former suffers a lot, and almost all of them mention a period where life becomes almost impossible as the compulsions and intrusive thoughts get worse and worse. Maybe I'm just looking for some reassurance that there will eventually be a light at the end of this tunnel, no matter how much deeper I sink.       

[PolarBear]

I think the likelihood you'll get better is directly proportional to the amount of work you put into your recovery. In other words, do the work and you'll see the results. Do little or no work and you'll remain stuck.

What are you doing to limit your compulsions?

[Ashley]

18 minutes ago, ShadeofAce said:

Even working to get on medication and CBT, the fact that it could takes weeks to even months to show any progress makes me worry for the future.

Hey we have all been there

Look, right now the future seems bleak, but the future can and does change for the better. Things that seem impossible right now will be possible in the future please believe me

 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

18 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

I think the likelihood you'll get better is directly proportional to the amount of work you put into your recovery. In other words, do the work and you'll see the results. Do little or no work and you'll remain stuck.

What are you doing to limit your compulsions?

This. 

 

I would like to hear more about the step forward you make. What exactly are you doing to improve?

You do realize that it will be worse before it gets better?

The thing about panic attack coming from nowhere is nothing strange really, it is almost like the panicattacks need to come when you least expect it because then do you wonder what/why, and you really really wonder if it could be a panicattack or something real because it seems so strange to have a panicattack there and then

Edited August 23, 2016 by OCDhavenobrain

[Guest ShadeofAce]

36 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

What are you doing to limit your compulsions?

24 minutes ago, OCDhavenobrain said:

This. 

I would like to hear more about the step forward you make. What exactly are you doing to improve?

I've been trying to ignore the compulsions as best I could, but that's easier some days than others. Things like waiting or refusing to change my clothes rather than do so the moment I believe they are "sullied", or ignoring the physical pains like tense muscles when in the presence of something I consider unclean. I've manage to somewhat cut back on how many times I wash my hands as well, so I am making some progress, yet it feels like despite this each day is worse than the last.    

 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

3 minutes ago, ShadeofAce said:

I've been trying to ignore the compulsions as best I could, but that's easier some days than others. Things like waiting or refusing to change my clothes rather than do so the moment I believe they are "sullied", or ignoring the physical pains like tense muscles when in the presence of something I consider unclean. I've manage to somewhat cut back on how many times I wash my hands as well, so I am making some progress, yet it feels like despite this each day is worse than the last.    

 

If you actually is doing less compulsions is it only normal if the anxiety is even higher. 

[Ashley]

14 hours ago, ShadeofAce said:

I've been trying to ignore the compulsions as best I could, but that's easier some days than others. Things like waiting or refusing to change my clothes rather than do so the moment I believe they are "sullied", or ignoring the physical pains like tense muscles when in the presence of something I consider unclean. I've manage to somewhat cut back on how many times I wash my hands as well, so I am making some progress, yet it feels like despite this each day is worse than the last.    

Hiya ShadeofAce,

It sounds like you are doing so well, and what you describe here is you making great strides over the OCD hurdles.  Ok, you may still have a long way to go to reach the finish line, and you may only be over the first hurdle, but that to me sounds like you are moving forward, not backwards?

Are you getting any help or support to challenge your OCD?

Ashley.

[Guest ShadeofAce]

13 hours ago, Ashley said:

Hiya ShadeofAce,

It sounds like you are doing so well, and what you describe here is you making great strides over the OCD hurdles.  Ok, you may still have a long way to go to reach the finish line, and you may only be over the first hurdle, but that to me sounds like you are moving forward, not backwards?

Are you getting any help or support to challenge your OCD?

Ashley.

I'm waiting to hear back from my therapist and a support group, but at this time I'm not getting any outside help. Even right now, I'm resisting a compulsion as much as I can, but it's making me feel like I'm going to pass out. Today was actually a better day all things considered, but it still feels like I'm making little to no progress at times.

Edited August 24, 2016 by ShadeofAce

[PolarBear]

Don't just sit there and resist your compulsion. Get up and do something. Do dishes, clean out a cupboard, walk the dog. Anything to take your mind off the compulsion.

[Ashley]

10 hours ago, ShadeofAce said:

Today was actually a better day all things considered, but it still feels like I'm making little to no progress at times

Perhaps you should journaling your OCD.  I suspect you will find that if you were to look back at your OCD and what you could challenge now compared to a few weeks ago, you would see you are making progress.

Progress might be slow, but progress is progress!!!!