Jump to content

OCD and Guilt over past?- sorry this is long


Guest CoolWhip

Recommended Posts

Guest CoolWhip

Hi everyone. I apologize in advance that this is long, but I'd just like to build up a clear picture.

 

I suffered with OCD with regards fearing I'm a pedophile for approx. 1 year, as a result of being sexually/emotionally abused as a 14 year old by a man I met online. I'm 27 now. This left me with a huge fear of "will I do it someone..? am I attracted to children?" Also, as I work with children, this would fuel my fear, making me conscious of everything I did at work and worry about possibly even losing my job; I was convinced that my therapist would think I was unfit to work in that area of work, or contact the police and have me arrested etc. It was horrendous. I was incredibly anxious and depressed; I already suffer with anxiety, again due to what happened when I was 14.

 

However after seeing a therapist and being put on 20mg of fluoxetine, My life has been amazing. I'm back to being me again, I'm happy, carefree, not depressed, or constantly living inside my head. However, I've had a total set back the last 2 days over something I was reminded about, and I can feel myself slipping back into old ways, not to the extreme I was as my medication helps me stay more focused, whereas before hand I would have gone into major meltdown and wanted to end my life due to the feelings of disgust and worthlessness. This isn't just a thought though, I've actually remembered something that happened in real life many years ago. I think I was about 12.

 

Me and my mum were discussing the upbringing a family member had, and how amazingly well they are doing now. Today they have been awarded 9 GCSE's all C or above. I'll keep it short but basically they were neglected and whilst they were 1/2 years old, their "mother" would have sex in front of them, take drugs etc. I had no idea about this until 2 days ago. With me being very young at the time I didn't know, I was at school so didn't see, my mum stepped in and cared for this child you see, and they were brought up with me. She saved his life really. Anyway, I questioned, how did you find out they were doing things in front of him? and she explained that at playgroup, he was labelled a bully, as he was hurting other children due to him copying behavior and would act out sexual movements, then it suddenly dawned on me something that happened in the past.

 

it horrifies me and I can't stop thinking about it over and over, questioning my frame of mind, but it's difficult as I was only 12, and it was 15 years ago! He used to jump up and down on your lap, now I realize he was imitating what he had seen. During this time I was at that age of self exploration, I was becoming aware of sex and what feels good etc. I can remember lying on my bed and he began jumping about, so I deliberately moved him so he was sitting across my groin I think in a spur of the moment thing to see what it felt like. I feel so uncomfortable typing this out, but I want to stress I didn't do it in a malicious, sick, evil way, I wasn't some weirdo who would abuse young children or want to do sexual things with children etc. I forgot all about it almost instantly I think. It wasn't a big deal to me obviously and I didn't do anything like it since or want to or think about it.

 

I guess I'm freaking out and looking for some reassurance that it is ok to forget about it. However after reading things online already there are so many conflicting views. I've read things that have had me recoiling in horror but people have said "oh you were just a child" however other people have said they feel the person should seek serious help, as at the age of 12/13 you should know better, you're a young adult etc.

 

Anyway, I can't stop thinking about it. I think I must have been a monster surely? and should I be handing myself in to authorities? I'm a bit mixed up right now. I could speak to my therapist, however I don't want to constantly run to her whenever there's an issue, i'd like to try and deal with it as best I can on my own, also, I find it really hard to speak about this, typing this has been really hard. I'm so scared of the reply's I could receive, however I do urge you all to be as honest as possible.

 

Sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading xx

Link to comment

I've seen this so many times...

OCD has latched onto an insignificant event from your past, blowing it all out of proportion. You made it worse by doing compulsions, including ruminating and searching the Internet looking for reassurance, which has focused your attention on it even more, which bothers you even more. That leads you to want to do even more compulsions. It's an endless cycle unless you stop doing the compulsions.

Leave it alone. Stop going to other sites and asking about it. Refuse to get into mind debates over it. 

Link to comment
Guest CoolWhip

Thank you Polar bear, I guess I never looked at seeking reassurance and self help online as a compulsion but obviously of course it is, I've just never seen it like that before. I guess I wanted somebody to tell me as you just did that it was an insignificant event, I know it was really, but the joys of OCD won't allow me to say ok it was just a stupid insignificant event. I keep going over and over it, looking for another deeper reason as to why I did it, and how horrific I am etc. Thank you for replying xx

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...