My Relationship OCD

[Guest rakennedy]

Hey all,

I've been struggling with OCD for a few years now and my obsessions have covered pretty much everything, the negative thoughts and intrusive thoughts are always there, the theme just seems to change. My most recent theme is my relationship, and I'm finding this the most difficult to deal with as its obviously effecting my partner and not just me. At first I just thought it was normal anxieties about relationships but recently I've noticed that the thoughts won't go away and the feelings won't change. I'm constantly looking for reassurance from her and friends and obviously thats a compulsion and something I need to work on stopping. 

I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to deal with this or even more, how to explain this to my partner. She knows I have OCD and Anxiety but she doesn't quite understand it. I haven't tried to explain intrusive thoughts and pure O to her as I don't wanna freak her out or scare her off. But I'm so sick of being self destructive and constantly looking for problems when there isn't any. My constant accusations and doubting her are obviously hurting her and ruining are relationship. Should I try talking to her about this? Maybe show her a simple youtube video of ROCD? Or is this just yet another compulsion?

Any advice would be appreciated. 

Thanks.

[PolarBear]

Hi rakennedy. Two things going on here 

You don't  need help with your current theme. You need help managing your OCD. You need to learn to respond differently to obsessions, no matter the theme. You said yourself that you change themes a lot. What you learn for one theme is applicable to other themes.

Start figuring out what your compulsions are and start working hard to stop them. That's universal, no matter the theme.

Asking for reassurance is definitely a compulsion. Probably your biggest compulsion is ruminating -- going over the intrusive thoughts in your head, again and again.

The other thing is what to tell your girlfriend. Keep it simple. Tell her you get intrusive thoughts and right now they center on your relationship. Tell her that people with OCD do compulsions and that it's something you need to work on stopping. Tell her you are a reassurance seeker and she should refrain from offering you reassurance 

[LizzyHoy]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it is for you at the moment. I can empathise with a lot of your post - my obsessions have also covered pretty much everything over the years, and my relationship is one of the things they focus on at the moment. 

I think it would be good to try to explain Pure O to your girlfriend - you can focus on the less dramatic forms of it in your initial explanation if you're worried about scaring her. Showing her a video about OCD wouldn't be a compulsion, it'd be a way of helping her understand what OCD involves. I'd also recommend encouraging her to ask questions if she doesn't understand, or if she sees you behaving a certain way and doesn't know why you are doing it. Another key thing you might want to make clear is that OCD is focusing on your relationship at the moment because your relationship is one of the most important things in your life - OCD always picks on our worst fears. 

Regarding how to explain it: imagine if you saw a tiger in your house - you would panic and react immediately and in a big way. The fact that we respond to danger in this way is important for our survival. However, in OCD, we respond to imagined or unlikely threats with the same level of fear as we would if those things were really happening - for example, reacting to a picture of a tiger as though it was a real tiger.  Even though a lot of the time people with OCD know intellectually that their thoughts are not real, this doesn't stop the emotional parts of our brains reacting as though they are real, which can be terrifying. 

Recent research suggests that the brains of people with OCD are not very good at accepting 'safety signals'. So to use the tiger example, if a person thought they saw a tiger, panicked, then realised it was only a picture, they would immediately feel better. Someone with OCD would find it very difficult to accept that it truly was only a picture - "but what if I did see a tiger and it has just moved behind the picture of the tiger?" OCD is really good at making you think "but what if...", and we find it very hard to simply accept that the thing we are worried about is ok and think about something else. 

You mention your 'constant accusations' towards your girlfriend, which makes me a little concerned about the effect it may be having on her, which I know you are also worried about. It's good that you know these accusations are linked to your OCD - they are caused by your fears, not her actions. I think it's important to help her understand this, but at the same time make sure OCD doesn't become an excuse for unfair comments towards her. You could think about how you communicate the thoughts to her - I wrote an example of how to phrase your fears in a way that is less accusatory, but seeing as I don't know what your specific fears are I have deleted that example so that I don't accidentally trigger any new OCD fears! But I'm happy to give an example if you want to be more specific.

Hope some of this is helpful!

Edited August 26, 2016 by LizzyHoy
Accidental italics!

[Guest rakennedy]

Thank you Polar bear and Lizzie Hoy. Both of these are very helpful. Rumination is certainly my worst compulsion, its one I've been trying to stop for years and still struggle with. It doesn't help that I currently am off of work for the holidays so have far too much time to think. The busier I am, the better my OCD seems to be. I'm not very good at down time, or relaxing. I try to binge watch programmes and listen to lots of podcasts but my OCD takes over my concentration very easily. Any advice on stopping rumination? 

 

Yeah I certainly agree about the 'accusations,' I hate it when I do it and instantly feel horrible when I say things. We have discussed this and come up with a plan that when ever I am feeling anxious or worried about something in my head with our relationship, I tell her that I'm feeling anxious and then to give me some space to try and deal with it myself, to prevent my OCD taking the driving seat and saying hurtful things to her. I deffo think I need to explain to her that they are caused by my fears not her actions. She constantly blames herself for triggering me, when her actions aren't triggering me, its my own thoughts and fears.

 

I'm going to try and discuss this with her when I see her on the weekend in a calm and light hearted way. I certainly don't want to overwhelm her and its very much my own battle but like Polar bear said, telling her about my reassurance compulsion will help me stop doing it. The more she understands it, the more she can realise its nothing she's doing or saying, its just my OCD.

[PolarBear]

Sounds like you have a healthy plan ready to go.

As for rumination, it's a real tricky one to stop. Half the battle is catching yourself doing it. Usually you suddenly sit up and realize you've been thinking about the same thing for the past twenty minutes. That's okay. Stop yourself. Then refocus your mind on whatever you happen to be doing at the time. 

It also helps on the cognitive side to build a belief that it's okay not to think about these irrelevant thoughts. You don't have to analyze them, answer them, figure them out. You can leave them alone and be secure in your relationship.

Takes lots of practice but you can get there.