EXCESSIVE Obsessing/Ruminating, Help?!

[Guest Bree]

For the past three months, it's like I changed into a 

completely different person. I've been obsessing, constantly, 24/7, every single day, up until this day. It's like a really bad habit now that I can't shake off. I can barely distract myself with anything, no matter what I do I just can't stop. And it's actually a lot worse than it sounds. Obsessing sounds pretty common, but I feel like the way I do it, nobody else in this world would do it this way. It's just completely messed up and I still can't even completely understand it myself. Basically, I'm constantly, CONSTANTLY self aware, with every single thing I do, every single freaking thing. I'm not even exaggerating. Even if I just go to pick up a cup of water to drink it I'll notice it. I just have this constant obsession of watching myself, and my own thoughts. I'm gonna really try and explain this to the best of my ability, because it is VERY hard to explain, that is how complex it is. I used to be able to explain my thoughts so easily, but now, I don't even know what the heck is going on anymore. So, for the past three months I've been obsessing over different things. But now, for the last month or so, it's been over my thought process, the way my brain works, and how thoughts even happen. I now can't shake this messed up idea out of my head that the thoughts we get and the things we do are just our brains processing information and reacting without us even noticing, and we have no control over it. I know that sounds completely messed up, but I just can't stop my mind from believing it, even though deep down I know it's really stupid. I just don't get why certain thoughts pop into my mind at any given moment, and how. Now I have to like watch myself think, all the time now, because I can't understand. It's really messed up. And it's not just every once in a while, its ALL THE TIME. I have to know what I'm thinking, when I'm thinking, how I'm thinking. I've never done this at all before, I was always very sharp and never thought twice about anything I did or thought, but now, I've gone into this completely disoriented mindset that I can't get out of. I also have to watch my every move and how I react to things, because I can't understand how the brain thinks and acts so fast, and how we can do things without even noticing. Like drinking a cup of water for example. When we go to drink it, were doing it because we want to drink. But is it REALLY because we want to, or is it just our brain telling us to? Because when we go to do stuff like that, we don't think twice about it, we just do it. So whenever I go to do anything like that, I have to catch myself, because I just always feel the need to watch my every move, and why I feel the need to do certain things or why I think certain things at any given moment. I just cannot stop overanalyzing every single thing I do, and every single thought I get. I just feel like it's all beyond my control, and now that I have that idea in my head, I can't stop. I know that it's ridiculous deep down, but I don't know. I just can't seem to figure any of it out. I don't know what to do anymore. I can honestly say I have never thought this intensely and analytically in my entire life, and I'm pretty sure nobody has ever done this before, except for me. I know people obsess over things, but not like this. I think mine is like to a completely different level of thinking. It's just really messed up. I've had OCD since I was little, but it gradually went away in high school. Now, I'm not even sure what this is. Because I've never had OCD like this in my life. It just seems so foreign to me, like it's not even OCD. But I don't know what else it could be. My dad and psychologist say that it's OCD, but I'm still not completely convinced. I just don't understand any of it. And it's not just thoughts, it's the ACT of being aware of myself ALL THE TIME, from the time I wake up, to the time I go to bed. I'm just in this constant panic mode I guess, and I can't stop thinking this way and overanalyzing everything I do. I literally can't think of anything anymore, because whenever I do, I have to catch myself, and then I wonder how I even thought about the thing I just thought about. Like how it happened so fast in my brain. I'm probably not even explaining this right, but I'm trying the best I can. So, do you think this could be OCD? 

[PolarBear]

Stop trying to figure things out. You really, really need to stop doing that. You don't need to know the answers. The questions are irrelevant.

When you catch yourself analyzing what you're thinking or doing or how it happens, stop yourself. You don't need to know.

It will take lots of practice but you can get there.

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

It seems like you are in a place where your OCD is severe. It is pretty fascinating how OCD just eats and eats into your mind if you feed it.  
 

The first step for you could be to exercise or even trying to not get involved in the OCD for like 5 min. Stare into the wall for 5 minutes and think about your breathing. 

it is very common to doubt if you really have OCD when you have OCD. Even if some people on the forum strangely disagree with this.. It is just OCD trying to trick you. Don't follow that thought 

 

Edited August 27, 2016 by OCDhavenobrain

[Guest Bluheela]

You've documented your situation quite well.  It could be OCD - certainly there is an obsessional phase.  You've mentioned you had OCD since you were little - if you have you probably will have a susceptibility to it's symptoms throughout your life.  If you don't mind me asking what were your OCD obsessions/compulsions as a Child?  OCD is very clever,  It can manifest it's symptoms into very complex and advanced stages as time goes on.  Your documentation give credence to a mind that is very perfect in analysis - in fact quite inflexible.  You could have some sort of obsession with being perfect, in which case your not the only OCD person to have this.

Question:  Is there some activity that you can do where OCD cannot intrude? - e.g. reading, writing or giving your garden some tender loving care.  I'm thinking your brain needs a break from the analysis - it's working very hard.  Of course I have to be careful with watering the plants because the OCD wants to count the exact number of seconds I water each plant but I can laugh at this - I don't look at this as losing the war.  You have your ups, you have your downs - you have your absolute victories - Don't Give up.

What I did when I got to a bad state of Anxiety (OCD/ panic) was to get myself medicated - I tried everything the Doctor could dish out (12 lots of anti-depressants) - after trying multiple drugs that did not put on weight and did not affect a whole lot of key health areas - I found a WINNER.  This is not advice to you (my journey only).

[Guest Bree]

On 8/27/2016 at 00:18, Bree said:

@Bluheela my OCD as a child was kind of different, and not as persistent. It did cause me a lot of distress and I would spent hours doing compulsions, but now it's purely mental obsessing and ruminating 24/7, and just the act of being aware of myself all the time and of everything I do. I've never had this before, my OCD was always purely non mental compulsions, maybe I did have mental ones but they weren't really that bad. Like one of the compulsions I would do is open and close the door multiple times. I would spend so much time doing this, because I felt like if I didn't something bad would happen. I also used to be afraid to go to certain places, because my OCD thoughts would tell me that I would dissappear. A lot of the thoughts I had were very magical and didn't really make any sense lol. Overtime those went away completely, and in high school I barely had my OCD at all. I had another problem though, social anxiety, but that's pretty much it. The OCD was almost non existent. I think I still had it from time to time, but I didn't even notice it. Up until now. Now it's every single day, non stop. I have this constant self awareness I can't get rid of, it's almost like I'm in this panic mode, and I can't stop ruminating and obessessing in everything I do. Even if I go to watch TV I'll start ruminating and being so self focused and won't be able to even enjoy what I'm watching. Literally in everything I do, I just can't seem to focus. I'm so upset because I didn't used to be like this, I never obsessed over things this consistently. It's like a really bad habit now that I can't get control over. I'm really scared I'll think like this forever and never be able to experience peace in my mind and with my thoughts. I actually am taking antidepressants for it, but it's not really doing anything so far. I'm hoping after taking them for another week I'll notice something.

 

Edited August 28, 2016 by Bree

[carolinevtn]

Hi Bree,

I totally understand what you explain because I'm also constantly self aware (not exactly the same but very similar). I try to find a therapist but I have not found it yet.

If you can find a good one, go ! You can also try to find a therapist  which does the therapy sessions over Skype. Try to accept the obsession, to focus on your current activities too, try to have good days with the obsession present.  I know it's hard but you must try.

Caroline