Was this OCD?

[Guest Julia1964]

Hello there. I have just joined this forum.  I liked the picture of the cat :-)  So wondered if you could help me?  I don't suffer from OCD now. But I am pretty sure that I did as a child.  Can't remember my age exactly but somewhere between 8 and 10?  If I describe what was going on, maybe you could tell me if this was OCD?  I developed this obsessive thought that I was going to kill my mother.  It caused me considerable anxiety and I was convinced that I might kill her, even though I loved her dearly.  I even knew how I would kill her.  I would stab her.  And I developed a fear of knives.  As I am sure you can imagine these are incredibly frightening thoughts for anyone.  Let alone a little girl.  The thoughts dominated my life. And it was hard.  And then I developed this compulsive need to do what I called at the time 'tell the truth.'  Which basically meant going into painful detail to my mum about everything I had done that day. In retrospect I think the 'telling the truth' was to make sure I had done nothing that could hurt her.  I have read things about OCD being part of a brain disorder and such like.  But I do know as a child I was a part of very anxiety making situations.  I think I did have OCD. And I think it was probably a reaction to my home life.  Which scared me at times.  It is only recently that I have starting asking questions about it.  I am not sure which came first. But as a child I used to sleepwalk. And my father found me in the kitchen with a carving knife in my hand.  But I don't know if the incident came before or after the obsessive thoughts.  I just can't remember now.  I hope I don't sound like a nut. I was only a little girl and have never harmed anyone in my life in that way.  And never would.  Do you have any thoughts about this?  People tell me I should not keep digging into the past.  But I feel a great need to know what was going on.  Thank you so much for reading this, and any comment you have would be useful to me.  Best wishes, Julia.

[Guest Julia1964]

I think  I am replying to my own topic! But not sure yet how this site works. I have siblings who are 15/17/20 years older than me.  I have asked them questions about my childhood (my parents died when I was in my 30s) but they never wanted to talk. I feel a great need to understand. But they see it as me being stuck in the past. And 'that is all over now.' But it is not over for me.  I want to make sense of it all.  Hope you understand this. 

[Ashley]

9 minutes ago, Julia1964 said:

People tell me I should not keep digging into the past.  But I feel a great need to know what was going on. 

Hi Julia,

Well none of us here are medically qualified so you need to take our comments with a pinch of salt. That said, I think I know a fair bit about OCD and what you describe does sound very characteristically like OCD. You describe obsessive fears, anxiety and compulsive behaviours.

But what is unusual is that for someone to go from that to no OCD at all without treatment of any kind.  Did something happen to prompt you to ask the question today?

Ashley.

[Guest Julia1964]

Thank you.  Back in day nobody would have recognised it as OCD. I only told my mum and she probably put it down to being a child.  And that children have these odd ideas.  I don't even know who she would have/could have talked to.  Even if she had wanted to.  She just used to say 'no you are not going to do that.'  But I never felt very reassured.  I can't even remember how long it lasted for.  You know what it's like when you are a child. Time is different.  It could have been weeks. It could have been a year.  Maybe it wasn't OCD and I was an imagineative child who was found sleep walking with the knife, and when I was told about it I kind of freaked out?   But looking at it in retrospect it does SOUND like OCD. The telling the truth thing was a real pain because I felt I had to do it, even though, young as I was, I felt it made no sense.  And didn't know why I felt compelled to do it. I just did.  I think I wanted to 'tell the truth' all the time so that she would know I was not going to kill her!!  Sounds dire, but from my limited research fears of harming people you love without wanting to are not uncommon.   I guess I wanted to pose the question to people who would know about it, because I never have before.  I have talked to people a bit, but nobody with OCD.  It's not that I want to label the child that I was. I just feel a great need to understand.  My childhood was full of anxieties of one kind or another. And I reckon this started as a reaction to that.  I have also theorised that because my mum changed so much when in drink, I turned her into 'bad mum' and 'good mum.' And possibly part of me as a child wanted to 'get rid' of the bad mum who drank.  I have grown up into a anxious person.  And although I don't have OCD I do tend to ritualise certain things.  Mealtimes being one.  I also count quite a lot.  Going up and down stairs.  And I look for 'signs' as in 'If this thing happens in my fave TV programme then it is a good sign.'  Thank you for taking the time to reply.  And would like to know what you think about what I have said.  Forgot the medically qualified thing.  You have been through it and will understand more than most,  all best, Julia.

[legalseagull]

Hi, I'm not qualified either but I'd agree that it sounds like OCD. I think it's ok that you want to make sense of the past. Just be careful you're not thinking about it too much (or ruminating, which is very common OCD behaviour).