Real event OCD

[Labbetuss]

So I'm making yet a new topic because this is a new theme(I'm sorry about that). When I made the "Death as a crutch" thread I remember getting a reply about guilt and I think it made me think a bit, because I've never really felt guilty about much in my life except the actual thoughts and misunderstandings in my life. Now I've started questioning if maybe I've done something bad in my life and I've developed a new theme. Sometimes I feel like the OCD and the fear of doing something bad has made me be extra good and not do anything to harm anyone. There are certain things I've never really gotten, especially when people have regrets. I've always tried to be understanding that people can make mistakes and do bad things, but I've never really understood it. Now I'm thinking of times where maybe I have actually been a jerk and I'm thinking more about how bad it actually was than if I did do something bad. If I never made a mistake in my life and never did anything bad, that would terrify me as well, and would almost feel non human. 

 

So, I'm doing the thing I'm not supposed to do. I'm reading up on this theme on the internet constantly and I'm doing exactly what it says in the articles that are common compulsions. I know that to get over it I need to let it go, but I can't. I also keep thinking of times when I have been blacked out drunk and wondering what I can have done at the time. I even feel like even making this thread is some kind of compulsion. I don't feel like I'm seeking reassurance, as I don't know what kind of reassurance I can seek. Last night was especially awful and today is pretty bad as well. OCD always seems to find a new theme when I feel like things are going well and things are going pretty well now, and I keep on getting stuck on things that happened almost a decade ago, almost being certain that nothing bad really happened. But if I actually did something bad that hurt people it wouldn't be me who should be the victim anyways, so that's hard to deal with, but guilt is a terrible feeling and I usually feel it when there is some kind of misunderstanding. I don't really people in the concept of good and bad people, and I think if someone has done something bad and they feel bad about it I would forgive other people, but I could never forgive myself. I only vaguely talked about this with my therapist, I felt like last session went pretty good and we had some sort of breakthrough when it comes to my core beliefs, but I still don't know if I'm doing the therapy thing right.   

[PolarBear]

So your entire post is basically one long rumination over the subject. It's evidence that you sit there and think heavily about your past, whether you did anything bad, who that affected and on and on. That's a compulsion and it needs to stop.

It's not easy to stop. It's hard. But you need to make an effort to get this under control.  First you need to catch yourself ruminating. Then you stop it and refocus your mind onto some other task. You might have to do that a hundred times a day. You'll keep slipping back into rumination. But you must keep trying and slowly you will get a handle on it.

[Labbetuss]

Thanks for the response, I think I know that is what I'm doing, but I guess I can't stop it. I feel like I can't live with the uncertainty, even if that is what I've gotta do. 

 

The funny thing is all the other obsessions almost vanished once this one came along. It's strange. 

Edited August 30, 2016 by Labbetuss

[PolarBear]

That's just OCD. It jumps ship all on its own without any input from you.

You have to be comfortable with uncertainty. Everyone else is. We're not certain about a whole lot in this world.

[Labbetuss]

I'm feeling a bit better today, I'm not sure if that's a good thing. 

[Labbetuss]

I think this is getting a bit worse. It's like I have two days when things are terrible and then two new days when I've calmed down and the two last days seem ridiculous and I'm worried it will stay this way forever. 

[PolarBear]

Change comes slowly with recovery.

Are you still doing compulsions? Are you sitting there ruminating about your past and whether you made mistakes? Doing so will stop your recovery cold.

Even if you are staying away from compulsions, you'll have good days and bad days. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[Labbetuss]

It feels like my brain is doing it automatically. I'm trying to focus on other things, but my brain needs to figure it out. 

[PolarBear]

Give up your desire for certainty. You'll never find it. It's okay not knowing. It's okay not remembering every little thing. That's being normal.

You can teach yourself not to dwell on past events. It's a lot of hard work but it can be done.

[Labbetuss]

I guess I'm lost in a lot of "what ifs" that I don't really believe in myself.  But if any of these what ifs were true I'd be really mad at myself, either because of stupidity or out of disgust. I feel like I can leave out most of the most terrible what ifs, but I will still be quite mad about the somewhat possible what ifs, but a part of me feels like all these are just made up what ifs and are most likely not true, in that case I'd waste my regret, I'd feel. I think a lot of people feel the same way though it seems. And it just seems hopeless to get out of this mind-mess, even if I'm trying to just let it go. 

[PolarBear]

People with your theme end up punishing themselves for perceived wrong doings. How long are you going to punish yourself?

[Labbetuss]

That's what I wonder myself. I just can't let it go. I also feel like it adds my core belief that I don't deserve to be happy. 

[PolarBear]

That will change so long as you do the hard work necessary to recover. Primarily that means not doing compulsions. No analyzing your past fir wrongdoings. No ruminating over whether you did wrong or not. You've got to hunker down and put in the effort. You've also got to live your life as if there are no worries. The feelings will catch up eventually.

[Labbetuss]

A little update: it seems like things are getting worse: I'm starting to get more and more episodes where I might have said something bad or thought something bad without it being an intrusive thought. These episodes are mostly from when I was 11-15 and it's been half my life since most of them happened. And I keep on wondering if I actually said something bad to someone, even if it was just a joke, if I could ever forgive myself or what I should do if I can't. 

 

Nowadays it seems like I'm falling between two themes; the real event/guilt OCD and the doubt/"do I really like doing anything I'm doing?" OCD and they hardly appear at the same time. The guilt OCD makes me want to kill myself, but it also makes me want to live cause I still want to appreciate all the good things in my life and I think it would be ridiculous to feel that much guilt over something you said as a child, but I don't know what I've said or if I've said anything bad at all. It's even more ridiculous to completely give up on my future and punish myself because of something I didn't even say. Then one day I will feel like I should go on living again, and that I basically have two alternatives: Go on living or give up, and then I fall back to the "do I really enjoy doing this?" theme. It's hell. 

[PolarBear]

You need to get to a place where it doesn't matter what you said when you were a kid. Leave it alone. Stop trying to figure out if you said something bad or not. It doesn't matter.

Trying to figure out if you said something bad is your compulsion. It needs to stop.

[Labbetuss]

Update: I'm still stuck on this. I might go weeks without thinking much about it, and then it hits me again and I get all screwed up needing to find out what I said. I don't know how I would feel if I actually knew I said something that I thought what unforgivable, but the worst part is not remembering at all. I constantly get new ideas for things I could've said and some are "not that bad" and some are "terrible....there's no way I would say that" and it just confuses me. I've only had this theme for half a year, I keep thinking if I've hurt someone and they've struggled with that for a decade +/- and I haven't been thinking about it at all until now. I know that I need to let it go, but I feel like I can't. 

[PolarBear]

You've got to be steadfast in your resolve to not figure out what you might have said. Every time the thoughts pop up you have to say, I'm not going there... I'm not going to deal with that. Then let it die.

Parallel to that, you need to give yourself a break. What you said when you were 11 does not define who you are today. You need to come to a place where you're okay with yourself no matter what was said.

[Labbetuss]

 It's strange how this theme disappears completely for a couple of days and then comes back. It's not like I constantly sit around and try to figure out what I say. My mind is just coming up with new possibilities on what I could've said and none of them really make sense. I know that trying to remember this is pointless, but I just keep getting new possible terrible things I could've said in my head constantly and I don't know where to turn or what to do, because I usually forgive other adults for things that they say and do, so I should definitely forgive myself as a child! But I just can't, and especially not when I don't know what I actually said. I guess the worst part is my life is kind of sad in general and I have so many dreams of what I want to do and achieve and as soon as this theme comes back I just want to give everything up. If I actually achieved any of my dreams, I would probably feel guilty.

 

Also, my therapist tried to get my into an OCD program, but they didn't think they could do anything as they mostly focused on physical compulsions and I've stopped doing that and I'm just stuck on mental ones. And he seems a bit worried that I'm not making any progress.  

[Guest ashipinharbor]

On 8/30/2016 at 14:43, PolarBear said:

You have to be comfortable with uncertainty. Everyone else is. We're not certain about a whole lot in this world.

This helped me out a lot, today. I realized that I'll never achieve certainty, and that I don't actually need it.

I just need to trust myself, and remember that it's all just OCD.

Sorry to hijack your thread, I just had to thank PB.

Edited January 16, 2017 by ashipinharbor

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Labbetuss said:

But I just can't, and especially not when I don't know what I actually said. 

And there's your problem. You're still trying to figure out what you said. It's too late. It's over. You're never going to find the clarity you seek. Never. It will always be elusive but so long as you keep trying to figure out what happened, you're going to remain stuck.

If you don't want to stay stuck where you are then your only choice is to give up the search for what you said. It's very simple. Give it up or stay stuck.

[Guest ashipinharbor]

Something that I've noticed is that whenever I encounter a trigger, I have two choices: to let it go, or compulse.

Letting it go results in my anxiety eventually going away, but performing a compulsion "validates" the fear, and makes my anxiety worse.

Just something to think about. Hope this helped!

Edited January 16, 2017 by ashipinharbor

[Labbetuss]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

And there's your problem. You're still trying to figure out what you said. It's too late. It's over. You're never going to find the clarity you seek. Never. It will always be elusive but so long as you keep trying to figure out what happened, you're going to remain stuck.

If you don't want to stay stuck where you are then your only choice is to give up the search for what you said. It's very simple. Give it up or stay stuck.

I feel like it's more of an obsession than a compulsion though. It's not like I think I can actually try to seek clarity, I'm aware that I never will actually know, I just come up with horrible scenarios that I can't falsify or verify. 

[PolarBear]

But you try to falsify or verify them. That's the problem. Stop doing either. Let the thoughts go. You get them often enough. You should be able to realize that it's just another OCD thought hitting you, so tell yourself you're not going to deal with that thought and carry on with your day. Trying to prove the thoughts true or false is a compulsion.

[Labbetuss]

It's crazy how this theme sort of disappears for a while and then strikes back with more power and then I just ruminate the hell out of it, trying to find answers and I can't stop it. I'm constantly trying to get clarity of what I said, who was there and when it was. I don't know how I can ever get in to the mindset that what I said doesn't matter. 

[paradoxer]

Maybe what you said does matter - BUT not anything like as as much as not yielding to a debilitating and inane mental disorder,