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11 days postpartum


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Hi everyone,

I gave birth 11 days ago to a gorgeous little girl. 

I have 3 older children from my previous relationship, the youngest being 14 so a bit gap! Historically for me OCD has always got worse during pregnancy, the worst being when pregnant with my 14 year old but there was a lot of stress in my life at the time which I am sure didn't help.

Anyway, fast forward to now and OCD was manageable through pregnancy. It reared its head with the same old thoughts from time to time but I did ok. It has now been 11 days since the birth and I am struggling a bit.

My theme has always been 'what if I cheated and forgot' or 'what if I got pregnant from the toilet seat'. Same theme this time and not helped by the fact that it seems to have focused on the fact my partner has 2 older sons living at home and every time I see them it triggers the thoughts. I am trying really hard not to reassurance seek. I am struggling with rumination - re-tracing my steps, trying to prove if I did wrong or not and confessing the thoughts to my partner and my mum who have been great and know not to re-assure.

However, just the fact of discussing the thoughts themselves is making me feel dirty and guilty. Scared at what this type of thought means about me. I actually feel physically dirty and like I don't deserve to be happy. I am scared of spoiling it for my partner too. I feel like I need to prove 100% for this to stop :'(

It was quite a traumatic birth. I lost a lot of blood, found out I had strep b and baby had it from the swabs (they don't test routinely in the UK) and I spent days scared of losing her. After 3 sons i was ecstatic to be having a daughter.

Just a bit of history - I left an abusive marriage 2 years ago. My ex-husband was emotionally abusive (not all the time as he was lovely too). He threw my OCD at me in front of the kids which resulted in me almost having to justify myself and hope they didn't believe the thoughts. My ex managed to turn our 18 year old son against me and I miss him massively. He has said such awful things to me.

Anyway I have rambled on enough. Some advise would be greatly appreciated as I am back to thinking maybe I don't have OCD at all especially as the thoughts are back and I am with a different partner who is wonderful.

Thanks for reading x

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Hi Serenity.

You've got to stay the course and work hard to not do compulsions. You don't have to justify anything. You don't ask for the thoughts to be there. They are being thrust upon you without your input. 

Treat the thoughts as meaningless chatter in your brain, not worthy of reacting to. Stop confessing your thoughts. You just draw attention to them when you do that.

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Hi Serenity,

Congratulations on the birth of your daughter!

I know how hard it can be battling OCD whilst being pregnant and post partum.

That's great that your family know not to give you reassurance. Families often empower the OCD without meaning too.

You can see OCD is at work here and it's always going to thrive off of uncertainty and doubt. There is no way of finding a definitive answer, so you must let the thoughts be. You could spend months or even years trying to find proof or an answer to your obsessions, but OCD will always find another way.

The thoughts aren't the problem, its the false meaning we apply to them which is.

This thought is junk. Filter it out as such using CBT :)

Hope this helps x

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19 minutes ago, Em24 said:

The thoughts aren't the problem, its the false meaning we apply to them which is.

Excellent point, and something applicable to all forms of OCD (regardless of Male/Female/Pregnant or not)!.

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Thank you all for your kind replies. Am trying really hard to distract myself but still struggling.

1 + 1 is equaling 3 and I see probably quite innocent comments by people as proof I have done wrong. I am doing my own head in. 

I just want to enjoy my little girl not keep thinking my thoughts are true. Feels like I will never be happy and don't deserve to be and feels like my little girl deserves better than me as does my partner ? Hate OCD so much and worse by the face of doubting it is OCD too. Not sure I can do this all over again, it nearly broke me last time 

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Hi Serenity. 

The advice in this thread is spot on. 

OCD will try and tell us black is white, white is black, 2+2=5 because, as the thread says, the thoughts are just mental chaff thrown up by the disorder. 

Don't doubt it, see it now as lit up in neon lights. 

It is the meaning it spins to the mental chaff that causes all the distress.

You can defeat it by leaving those distressing thoughts be. Just go about what you want to be doing. 

Don't try and get rid of the thoughts or neutralise them - that just gives them power.

This little mindfulness gem from Jon Kabat-Zinn will help you with this :

We can't stop the waves, but we can learn to surf!   :surfing:

A right click on your mouse then click print will print off the good stuff on this thread. If it has gone into a second page, click print from within that page. 

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I have realised just how many compulsions I am doing in relation to my thoughts.....

ruminating - going over and over my actions in regards to my thoughts ... Trying to prove something didn't happen ... Impossible 

Feeling guilty Incase my thoughts are true, causing me to avoid my partner and see guilt as proof I have done wrong resulting in the loop of rumination and confessing thoughts / reassurance seeking

looking information up on the Internet

Doubting I have OCD despite having a diagnosis.

All these 'What if's' and 'yeah buts ...'

Having an argument for everything ... Non stop

i think this is progress as I am doing it a lot, almost on autopilot. So I need to dust off my OCD books and put in practice the CBT I had loads off in the past

A couple of questions I have though is where are the following linked to OCD (if they are). I don't think this is reassurance seeking but needing to know if these are obsessive thoughts or not ...

1) Worrying that because I have told my thoughts to my partner, he might believe them one day and doubt me 

2) The thoughts keep coming back and are hard to ignore meaning it feels like proof the thoughts are true meaning it feels pointless getting close to people or enjoying life as eventually it will all crumble and I will lose everything / ruin everyone's lives. 

These 2 above are holding me back somewhat as it feels too much of a risk to ignore.

Previous themes for me have been HIV fears, fear or comitting a crime and forgetting, fear or running someone over in my car but all these have left after time. The cheating obsession and fear pregnancy from the toilet seat or by cheating and forgetting (resulting in looking for evidence - finding none so far and feeling like the thought itself is proof - something I would never do ... But if I have had a glass of wine I feel I might go out of control and act out, then forgetting - despite not going out hardly ever) 

Then there is excessive sleeping ... Is this avoidance as it is the only way my brain switches off sometimes.

Advice would be greatly appreciated 

Thanks x

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Hi Serenity.

It is very good that you are taking stock and realizing what compulsions you are doing. You can't deal with what you don't know.

The two items you raised are just more OCD thoughts clouding your way to recovery. They can safely be ignored. It's all part of the doubt that swirls around OCD.

 

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Thank you PolarBear as always. Your advice is always spot on and makes so much sense, as does everyone else that helps me.

OCD is so awful and always tries to ruin the happiness we try to feel sadly, that I have come to realise.

I think I definately need to take control, dust off my books and keep on with the CBT. Amazing how when we feel better we forget to concentrate on keeping well and feel complacent I guess.

Thanks again everyone x

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