On self-kindness

[Cub]

Hi all

Greetings from China!  Am out here with my brother for a week and am having a marvellous time.

Just wanted to write in as I turned in early last night due to a headache and woke up early in turn. Been reading and also having a think. I just found out I have a lot of free time come October so am a little worried.

I've been feeling very relaxed the last couple of weeks due to holiday time and I want to enjoy it while it lasts. I wonder what will happen to me when I return to everyday life, though? I've been a member of the walking depressed; feeling jealousy and resentment, unable to enjoy anything and just generally very rigid and unhappy and trying and failing to tackle those compulsions. I don't feel close to the God I believe in and I guess it's hard for me to start on a hobby because I think: 'What's the point?' and in some cases, because of thoughts I've had in the past, 'What if I'm not allowed?' I can't focus on writing tasks, I don't exercise enough and I overeat. I feel I'm living a sad, stale life outside of all this travelling and don't know how to relieve the pressure on myself or be kinder to myself; maybe I feel l don't deserve self-compassion because I can't relax ? A talk with my brother the other night made me realise how much I worry and he told me I mustn't. I don't know how to stop; in fact I'm so used to it it's become the norm and I don't like the person I've become.

Still, I've been having some wonderful holidays recently and they've given me a chance to step back and not fret too much. That makes a change! I'm a lot calmer and have loved spending quality time with my brother. it just feels as though there's a rock inside me that's been stopping me living my life to the full and maybe it's a rock I put there because I just let myself have these stupid moments when I think something I know I'll regret? I tend to get lost in my head these days, trying to figure stuff out - but I don't want to do that today.

Have a good one, all.

C x

 

 

[thought.amnesty]

Hi Cub, glad you enjoyed your holiday  That is fine to be concerned about getting worse on your return, that is just another fear to accept and then do healthy things that align with your values anyhow  There are good loving-kindness meditations on Youtube, two especially posted by Mark Freeman, if you would like to practice that emotion more. And yes if you feel like it would be important to be more self-kind to yourself it is completely natural that you will have doubts about whether you can or should. Accept them and do it anyway!

[Cub]

Thanks very much, thought-amnesty for the kind advice. Doing it healthily is the key.  I've had a lovely time in China, but am flying back tonight. Booo! 

Thankyou for the Mark Freeman recommendation; much appreciated.

C x