Overcoming False Memory OCD

[Oceanblue]

Just wanted to reach out to anyone who has struggled with a similar theme of OCD and has overcome it and put it in their past. 

When recovered do you actually get to the stage where you can look back at the 'false memory' and realise that it really is just that? Or is it just a matter of trying your best not to entertain the thoughts and stop all compulsions. I'm afraid that I've done so many compulsions in relation to a particular night that I had too much to drink that I will now never be fully able to differentiate between fact and the horrible images my mind has conjured up. Because these intrusive images scared me so much I deliberately replayed them in my mind hoping that logic would win and I could eventually rule them out but unfortunately the opposite happened and it's as if they've now become implanted in my mind. I know that compulsions and all forms of ruminating have to stop in order for any kind of recovery to take place and whilst I feel I have made progress in doing this, I feel guilt if I find myself beginning to enjoy any aspect of life again. It's as if my something in my mind is screaming at me that I don't deserve it. My worst fear in life is causing any irreparable harm to others, I've been this way since childhood and of course as a result this is what my false memories centre around as this is my worst fear in life.

I'm trying really hard to put this behind me for the sake of my family and those who care about me so I guess I'm just looking for info from those of you who have fought similar aspects of OCD and come out the other side. Does it ever really disappear? Or is it just a matter of learning to cope with the fear and uncertainty forever?

Thanks in advance to anybody who may respond to this thread. It means so much.    

[PolarBear]

I don't think you can look forward to some aha moment when you suddenly receive clarity and you realize beyond a doubt the memory was false. What you can do, if you don't purposefully think of the subject matter, and you are ruthless in not ruminating, reassurance seeking and doing any other compulsions, is reach a point where you no longer care. You're not thinking about it, your ignoring the intrusive thoughts and you're living your life to the fullest so you simply don't care one way or the other.

 

[taurean]

I think whether it's a false memory, contamination, health, magical thinking or whatever, an OCD  intrusive thought is to my mind unwanted, powerful , highly emotional, but essentially false, exaggerated, repulsive - effectively not actually relevant.So we are all spending loads of time worrying, ruminating, analysing, re-assurance-seeking, on an actaul irrelevance 

The intention of CBT therapy is to be able to see the thoughts as "mental chaff" and render them benign. and when they don't get attention, they lose power and we become able to  ease them away out of mental focus. 

In my case I experience some quite long periods of remission, then  another OCD "episode" - that is my particular repulsive version of the OCD bully - but i can tell you that in those between times in remission the description above is what I tend to experience - so there is every opportunity that you can, like others who have reported in, overcome the false memory and do very well going forward. 

A useful thing a therapist told me was this. When an OCD intrusion comes in , work towards  being able to mentally say to yourself "oh, that's just my silly obsession" and then able to ease away your focus elsewhere.  

Edited October 7, 2016 by taurean
correction

[Oceanblue]

Thanks PB. Unfortunately though due to the nature of the false memory it is really horrifying and something which I could never imagine myself being indifferent about as it goes against my whole moral core. To think there may even be a shred of truth to it scares me to death.

[gingerbreadgirl]

Hi Oceanblue.  I have experienced false memory and it is horrific. Back then I could never imagine getting to the point of not caring - I thought about it every minute of every day.  But now, it really is true, I really DON'T care, it's just not on my radar.  I do't have certainty, but I don't care.  

Don't hold out for a magical day where you get certainty.  It'll most likely never happen.  The point is to get comfortable with that.  You can do it xx

[taurean]

1 minute ago, Oceanblue said:

Thanks PB. Unfortunately though due to the nature of the false memory it is really horrifying and something which I could never imagine myself being indifferent about as it goes against my whole moral core. To think there may even be a shred of truth to it scares me to death.

And - that statement is what all our false memory sufferers say - you are not unique with that. and, to my mind, seeing someone saying that is indicative of OCD being the culprit - because everyone says it. It is always totally against their moral code - it turns core character values on their heads - and always catastrophic 9in the eyes of the sufferer.And they all say if there is any chance of it being true, they are going to be punished. 

But they are punishing themselves continually by agonising and being distressed. 

[PolarBear]

10 minutes ago, Oceanblue said:

Thanks PB. Unfortunately though due to the nature of the false memory it is really horrifying and something which I could never imagine myself being indifferent about as it goes against my whole moral core. To think there may even be a shred of truth to it scares me to death.

What you've said is common from all sufferers of this theme. And they all, to some extent, choose to punish themselves for it.

It is a choice. Right now you have more evidence that nothing happened that night but you are choosing to believe that something might have and therefore you punish yourself for it.

[Oceanblue]

Thank you Taurean,gingerbread girl and Polarbear. The advice,shared experiences and info you have given me means much more to me than you'll probably ever know. I am determined to fight this and look forward to the day when I can stand up and say that this is now a part of my past and although I may still have OCD it no longer dominates or taints ever other aspect of my life.

I wish you all continued progress in your recovery and thank you again for your help. This forum has made me feel so much less alone during one of the darkest periods of my life. Thank you all!

[Caramoole]

38 minutes ago, Oceanblue said:

This forum has made me feel so much less alone during one of the darkest periods of my life. Thank you all!

We're pretty good at that.  Welcome to the team

Be aware of the term you've used in your title "False".......it may be very persuasive, very convincing.....but as you've described accurately, false

[Oceanblue]

Thank you Caromoole, that is a very good point. I guess I just need to keep endeavouring to convince myself of this!

[Oceanblue]

Sorry to be back on here again guys but I really am continuing to struggle. I soon as I think someone is being off with me I am  coming up with absolutely horrible scenarios in my head of things I may have possibly done and as always the worst case scenario (times 10) is the thought that's sticking! It's horrific! ?

I think it's because I've been thinking so unhealthily for so long now my mind automatically falls into this pattern?? I don't know. But I really have been trying so hard to stop this and get proper help.  However,at the minute I just feel as if I'm going round in circles with regard to getting therapy. I keep being passed around to different people and asked the same questions over again as they say they need to be sure I'm right for CBT before placing me on a waiting list. Now I'm starting to lose faith in the whole system because I've been reaching out for help now for months and am still no further forward. It's just all so frustrating and soul destroying and I don't know how much longer I can keep on living this. ?

   

[PolarBear]

Oceanblue, if you are in the UK, you may want to get a hold of Ashley at OCD-UK to see if he can help you get your CBT straightened out.

[taurean]

I echo that re Ashley. 

You are spot on - the disorder catastrophises, particularly in false memory - it's truly incredible what the beast will invent.

Treat it as an invention, catastrophising. Say in your mind that that is what it's doing - don't listen to the arguments the doubt the uncertainty. Just refer to it as "my silly obsession". 

Take the view that in a competition for most impressive made up false memory, you might well win!

See what other positions you could take up that will mentally weaken the position of the OCD and devalue its power. 

But beware, it will regroup and be back, so nip behind the stockade and be ready to stare it out. 

If you use the search screen you will find my topic on false memory OCD which should help. 

[Oceanblue]

Thank you both. I have taken a look at your topic on overcoming False Memory OCD Taurean and have found it very helpful. I am going to try my best to adhere to the advice provided in it and I thank you for writing the piece. 

I think the biggest obstacle for me is the indifference as the thoughts really are so disgraceful to me. Hence I figure if there's any truth I feel riddled with questions as to whether I should approach the person to double check they're OK or perhaps admit my fears to those they involve? Otherwise how could I live with myself with a clear conscience if somehow the intrusive thoughts are real and someone else is suffering as a result? But deep down I know  if I do this it will cause more damage than good as I know I have a disorder and that it is most likely the workings of my anxiety working overtime. It's just such a mess. 

[taurean]

Just now, Oceanblue said:

Thank you both. I have taken a look at your topic on overcoming False Memory OCD Taurean and have found it very helpful. I am going to try my best to adhere to the advice provided in it and I thank you for writing the piece. 

I think the biggest obstacle for me is the indifference as the thoughts really are so disgraceful to me. Hence I figure if there's any truth I feel riddled with questions as to whether I should approach the person to double check they're OK or perhaps admit my fears to those they involve? Otherwise how could I live with myself with a clear conscience if somehow the intrusive thoughts are real and someone else is suffering as a result? But deep down I know  if I do this it will cause more damage than good as I know I have a disorder and that it is most likely the workings of my anxiety working overtime. It's just such a mess. 

The thoughts will challenge your real core values, creating the massive emotional response. 

Why, when you now have a good understanding, would you really be prepared to fall for this stuff?  You now know how it works, so bring your response up from deep down inside and get taking that view! 

[PolarBear]

Oceanblue, experience had shown that asking the alleged victim about the 'memory' will not do you any good. You may temporarily feel released but soon enough doubt emerges and you'll want to do another compulsion, like asking them again.

[snowbear]

2 hours ago, Oceanblue said:

 I keep being passed around to different people and asked the same questions over again as they say they need to be sure I'm right for CBT before placing me on a waiting list. 

Hi Oceanblue,

Sounds to me as though you're being passed pillar to post because none of the people you've seen up to now know very much about CBT. If they did they could tell you straight away that you are suitable. It must be frustrating and demoralising.

Hopefully if you tell Ashley what professional people you've seen so far (job titles or source of referral, not their personal names!) he will be able to help you access CBT without further ado. You can contact him on the charity support line or email. Details here:  http://www.ocduk.org/contact

 

The good news is you don't have to wait for 'official' therapy and can get a head start on helping yourself. 

Cognitive therapy begins with understanding that how you interpret a thought or event determines the thoughts, feelings and behaviours you have next.

For example:

Say you spotted a friend on the opposite side of the street, called and waved, but she kept walking and didn't respond. What might you think to yourself?

'She's blanking me. I've upset her. She doesn't like me. Well if that's how she feels about me I'm never going to speak to her again!' (Negative interpretation leading to negative feelings and negative behaviour, such as ruminating on what you said and avoiding further contact with your friend)

'Perhaps she's preoccupied with some worry of her own and didn't hear me. I'll phone her tomorrow and check she's ok'  (Neutral interpretation where her reason was nothing to do with you, leading to a positive behavioural response and kindly concern without undue worry) 

'Bet she was fantasizing about some dishy guy and that's why she didn't hear me   Well she didn't see me so back to what I was doing before I saw her' (Positive interpretation leading to positive behaviour and no negative effect on your own mood. )

All three thought responses are equally valid, but some people automatically hone in on the negative possibility and completely overlook any other way of interpreting the event. Learning to recognise when your thoughts have latched onto only one possible explanation means you can step back from intense feelings and consider other possible interpretations which have less distressing feelings or behaviours attached. 

 

On 07/10/2016 at 19:14, Oceanblue said:

Unfortunately the false memory is something which I could never imagine myself being indifferent about as it goes against my whole moral core.

I prefer to refer to them simply as 'thoughts' because that's what they are. They're not any kind of memory at all, false or real.

That refusal to be indifferent is exactly what gives OCD it's power over you. You're holding onto the thought in an attempt to prove you're not indifferent to its content. 

You need to understand nobody is suggesting you should stop being horrified by something you find morally repulsive. Ignoring a thought doesn't mean you have to stop caring when something goes against your moral core.  It simply means the content of a thought is a thought and not fact. It isn't happening in the real world right in front of you, here and now. It doesn't require an immediate response from you (such as fight/flight or strong disgust.)

I can already hear you coming back at me saying, 'But it feels so real! What if it really happened and I've just forgotten that it did?'  

'It feels real'  is an interpretation of what having the feeling represents. Just because something feels real doesn't mean it is real. If you watch a scary ghost film at the cinema, do the ghosts leap off the screen and become real just because you felt genuinely scared? 

Asking ourselves 'What if...' questions acknowledges that what we're asking isn't real. The fact it's only a thought, an imagined possibility lies in the 'if' part of the question. We use 'what if' to think through imaged possibilities that haven't happened, not to remember things that did happen.

So, self-help CBT:

1. Accept your 'false memories' are just thoughts which can be ignored. You don't have to disprove the content of a thought to make it 'unreal'. It already is 'unreal' because it exist only in your head. You don't have to check ghosts didn't leap off the cinema screen when the film ends.

2. Accept that ignoring a thought doesn't mean it's content wouldn't bother you IF it was real. But since a thought doesn't require action to falsify it, you can step down from being constantly on your guard against having bad thoughts.

3. Recognise that how you choose to interpret a thought (or event) determines how you think, feel and behave.

The behavioural part of therapy is to stop yourself ruminating on the 'what if's', to shrug off the fear and not attempt to prove it, disprove it or neutralise it by doing compulsions.

[Oceanblue]

Thank you so much for this! I am going to save all of the information you folks have given me and start using it as my little mantra.

You're exactly right Snowbear. It had gotten to the stage were I was starting to question my decision to try to seek proper help but all I can do is keep faith that proper therapy is on the horizon. Thank you so much for all the self-help notes. They are incredibly helpful and I promise I will be do my best to put them into practice  

[Bodge]

Hi Oceanblue, I think everything has been said, and it's all good advice that I've found helpful to read myself. But i just wanted to say you are not alone, I have exactly the same kind of false memory, one relating to having a drink one night 14 years ago...at the time I struggled so much, but now, although I still remember it, it doesn't scare me as much and I hardly ever think about it. It's not that I don't care, I just put my faith in the facts given to me about how much OCD lies to us and trusted that it's what we say, FALSE memory, it never happened. I hope that helps, hang in there, it will get better

[Oceanblue]

Just had another day from hell. I have been trying hard not to do any compulsions which for me involves replaying intrusive thoughts over and over in my head to try and ascertain their likelihood and getting caught up in mental debates over it. However I still feel horrible with the level of uncertainly and cross with myself that I don't have the ability to rule out these horrendous possibilities. It makes me feel like I'm a bad person and don't deserve to smile or laugh or enjoy any aspect of life at the moment. I'm also struggling with severe depression at the moment which I know is excaberating the situation. It's gotten to the stage now where I'm fearing that I've done too much damage to my thinking patterns now that maybe this is as good as it will ever get. I'm starting to think about going to sleep and not waking up again but I know that's wrong of me to think like that and it wouldn't be fair on those who love me. I just feel like I've got very limited fight left in me at this stage. And I am sorry to complain about everything on here but at the moment I feel as if it's my only outlet?

[taurean]

Its a good outlet oceanblue because we understand .

You are along the bottom at the moment, but the good thing is you can go up. And we can work on our thinking patterns, and we can make progress. It doesn't just happen, it is a process. 

[snowbear]

14 minutes ago, Oceanblue said:

However I still feel cross with myself that I don't have the ability to rule out these horrendous possibilities.

You don't need to rule out horrendous possibilities and trying to do so is counter-productive (as well as being a mental compulsion.) 

What you're aiming for is to say, 'These terrible things might happen, but they aren't happening right now and I'm not going to react to imaginary possibilities as if they are imminent, real events.'

It's about acceptance there is always uncertainty. Much as we'd like it there simply aren't 100% safety guarantees in life. Keep fighting that fact by seeking to abolish horrendous possibilities from your mind and you are bashing your head against a brick wall.  The universe isn't going to change how it is because you feel unsafe around uncertainty. 

It's also about keeping the risk of anything actually happening in proportion (typically a tiny or manageable risk in reality, but blown into imminent, life and death, major danger in your head.) 

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It makes me feel like I'm a bad person and don't deserve to smile or laugh or enjoy any aspect of life at the moment. I'm also struggling with severe depression at the moment which I know is excaberating the situation.

Yup, depression makes you think you're undeserving of happiness. It can be a struggle to allow yourself small pleasures and moments of mental relaxation when your soul is screaming 'you're not worthy!' at you, but depression isn't permanent and that feeling of unworthiness  will pass.

Every time, literally every time, the little voice in your head chirps up with something bad or negative about you as a person, challenge it immediately.

Say to yourself, 'That's not true, this is the depression telling me I'm unworthy. I deserve to be happy. I'm allowed to laugh. Laughter and contentment will lift the depression and get my thinking back to normal faster than if I deny myself these pleasures.'  

(And it's true, it's not just something you're saying to comfort yourself.)

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It's gotten to the stage now where I'm fearing that I've done too much damage to my thinking patterns now that maybe this is as good as it will ever get.

That 's depression, guilt or some other negative force at work. The brain is capable of recovery right up to the moment you die. Hang in there, counteract the negative thoughts with determined positivity as often as you can and things will get better in time.  

[Oceanblue]

Thank you both so much. I can't tell you how much your replies mean. I will continue to try my best to fight this and just out this down to a bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Oceanblue]

Thank you Bodge also,for some reason I'm only properly seeing your reply now. I'm sorry you have had to struggle with this horrible form of OCD also and am glad you have been able to eventually put it all into perspective. 

I feel as if I'm working with a 'broken brain' at the moment but am doing my best to try and not enterian these 'thoughts'  and refocus on some other matter. Hopefully one day I can be like you and say it's part of my past. Thank you again  

[worriedjohn]

On 22/10/2016 at 00:00, snowbear said:

What you're aiming for is to say, 'These terrible things might happen, but they aren't happening right now and I'm not going to react to imaginary possibilities as if they are imminent, real events.'

In my case it is further complicated because I fear that it is happening right now and my suffering from OCD is the result of my past wrongdoing!