my OCD story

[chaosed]

This is going to be a long post, because I want to share some background information before asking the question which popped into my head some minutes ago. It's really something I don't understand, maybe it's just my OCD playing tricks on me, as if it would matter to my quality of life if I understand it or not, lol. But maybe it does.

I have OCD. My therapists says it's only some OCD behaviours, it's not full fledged. Because I see the futility of compulsions, now. I mean, on the days that I do them, my anxiety is low, but I can't sleep at night. So what does doing them brings me? Well, now I try to do them as little as possible, and it's tiring to do them once, them not, then again, then not again. I really need my sleep!! I can deal with my OCD without medication if I've got a full refreshing night's sleep, but this doesn't happen if I do my compulsions just a little... it happened for a number of days (sweet days) when I didn't do my compulsions, but then well, it was a day when I did it just once, twice, thrice, and by the end of the day when resisting a compulsion i'm so tired that I couldn't resist it anymore and I went down a spiral in which i didn't want to fall again.

Okay, when I was little i couldn't sleep until the sheets of my bed were perfectly lined, for example. I used to count. Well, I generally had my head in the clouds all day thinking about Harry Potter. Human interaction simply did not interest me lol. And when I got to a point (12 - 13) years old when I realised I was ugly and my mother didn't have money to buy me nice clothes, I felt left out. I always felt a little left out, even as a small child. Because I had nobody to talk to, I had a deep sense of justice which prevented me to get along with the kids, and I had no one to tell me what a stupid child I was for doing that, to encourage me to understand differences or something, to help me see qualities in others and in myself, not just judging.

Now, to make a parathesis, with may be related to ROCD. I believed, until two and a half years ago, that I met the love of my life at twelve years old. I spent countless years dreaming of him, countless. He wanted to be with me, but I rejected him. The reason is not important now. But I just realised something: now, at 21 years old, I don't feel prepared for a relationship (even though I am in one for three years now). So funny to think for so many years that I was prepared then, at 12 years old!! I was a funny kid. Funny ideas.

Well, i've been depressed ever since I rejected him, nonetheless, so for aproximately 6 years, which is quite something, if you ask me. A friend of mine introduced me to the hoax that was "the secret", you know, the power of positive thinking... magical thinking!! And the idea appealed to me greatly, since I did have some OCD tendencies.

Long story short, I lost pounds, reached my ideal weight, started doing the things I love and got out of a relationship which was not good for me, at all. 

During that relationship I had a lot of fights with my boyfriend. Which can be considered compulsions, well... I was a stressful girlfriend, I still am. Until one point, when my perspective shifted. I used to do all he asked and neglected me completly: I didn't make myself pretty, I wasn't taking care of my studies, I wasn't making friends, reading or doing the things I loved, it was ugly.

After discovering the power of magical and wonderful thinking, apart from starting to do all those wonderful things for myself, the proudest i am for being that I started studying hard <3 i also changed completley the perspective I had on the relationship: i stopped caring. It was odd, because I didn't stop caring about him. But of course, it's not a proof of caring when all you do is do nothing because you're too afraid of what he may think about you when doing otherwise. Well, so, I still cared about him, but I stopped caring wether it will work out or not, whether we'll stay together or we'll break up, it was such a freeing experience.

Well, when I went to college, three years ago, all I had in mind was that I'll found someone, the one, I was not only having this in mind, but I was "sure" of it, right? That's all that "secret" hoax is all about. And when I met my current boyfriend, who was head over hills after me, I knew I found just "the one", even though I didn't feel something particulary special for him at first. I was just waiting for the Universe to throw my special someone at me, and when he appeared, so lovestuck by me, I just "knew" he was the one I was looking for.

Not to mention that this caused me so much trouble I can't even begin to describe it. First, I had my preconceptions about him. Because the Universe sent me the one, it was only natural for him to posses the things I would expect him to posses. I didn't try to know him better: i just assumed I knew him better. So I was taken aback by so many things: he was a joker, I never expected the Universe to send me a joker, he was romantic, not a sex addict like me lol. He was caring, social, down to earth, a complete opposite of mine... and we actually are completly opposite, i am an INTP, and he is an ESFJ lol. That was the first and foremost reason for our misunderstandings. The second reason was that I didn't have so many communications skills, and I would rely a lot on my "intuition", if I can call it that, to do the conversation. Not only I knew what he was saying, i also knew what he was implying, and what he meant, in fact, even if he didn't imply it, but I was sure he was thinking it and didn't know how to tell me. I developed this bizzare communication skill in dealing with my mother, my grandmother and other relatives who speak like that.. sadly, and having not so many friends, i had no idea that normal people don't communicate like that. Nonetheless to say that my mother still speaks like this to this day. It drives me mad sometimes remembering what a beautil communication gift I recieved from her, but oh well, if that's all she knows....

Okay, so I found "one" very different from me, which I wasn't that crazy about, I was a little crazy about him... but I was taken aback when discovering he is not what I expected him to be... and the problem was that I expected him to be many things, instead of just trying to know him better.

Nonetheless, being the romantic type, he had trouble sleeping with me in the first three months. Because it was too soon for him, and because I wasn't particulary good in getting him started and mantaining the atmosphere. I admit, it wasn't a very fun time to be with me. In fact, since I just lost 20 pounds, and he was so lovestuck by me, I was expecting everything to go perfectly smooth in bed without me even raising a finger.

So, I didn't understand these things at the time. I was making fun of him with my girlfriends and even some boy friends, both only and offline. One conversation in particular, which I forgot to delete from facebook, was truly ugly. I made fun of him with a boy I slept some time ago. He started hitting on my, sending me dirty messages. I responded. I sent him a picture or something. It happened a couple of times, he even proposed we made sex, but I eventually turned him down.

Fast forward a year later, and my boyfriend reads all those messages. I think it's needless to mention how devastated he was by them. Because he was really lovestuck and had so much trust in me. We were getting along great at the time the found out happened. I was feeling happier than ever. And then... everything was blown to pieces.

It followed a hard year for me. I felt like I was the lowest of the bitches. I felt so bad for what I have done, and what I have done to him especially. We had a couple of two-hour long conversations in which he called me all sorts of names and made me feel like a boot.

They followed six hard months: he didn't want to go out with me, he didn't want to spend time with me, he was talking very ugly to me, he stopped being loving or nice, he was remembering me constantly about what I've done, he did a lot of remarks, ugly remarks, at my expense, he would just not stop. And in that time I tried to be everything he ever wanted me to be, and more. I was lavishing him with love. But I was giving, and never recieving back.

At the same time, I was having DAILY confilicts with my mum, which, apart from having the oddes of conversation styles, misinterpreted almost everything I was saying and after that admonishing me for the ugly crime she thought I just commited: i say ugly crime because the way she was telling me these things it felt like I'm the lowest of the lowest and low morale human being which ever walked this earth for saying I don't know.. for making fun of the prime minister, for example.

So I fought constantly with my mother, and I had all those feelings regarding my boyfriend, we didn't get along, i couldn't figure out where the problem was, it seems as if everything I did was futile and I couldn't get forgiveness for what I did. Thinking back now, I know that the only person I needed forgiveness from was myself. But nonetheless, I was getting tired. By the time he started to change his attitude towards me, I was already so tired, mentally. I remember one night crying, and I sent him a message, telling him that I am sad that we are not like we were before. I'd like to think diffrently now, but some nights ago i cried for the exact same reason: just remembering that time, that sweet time I had with him, when we went alone so great, when we were so happy, when I was so carefree... it makes me so sad. I lost all hope that I'll ever be happy again: my mother drove me crazy. One night, it was during the exams period, I was putting so much effort into getting along with my boyfriend, there was constant tention between us. I started learning for a test. My mother came in, once again, oblivious to the fact that it's one in the morning and I'll have an exam in two days, starting rambling about me being mean to her and God knows what other crazy stuff in her head. I begged her to stop, to leave me alone. She didn't. I had to cry out "mum, I'll have an exam in two days, do you really not care?" then she stopped. But it was too late. I was done for. I reached the end of my powers. I put the pen down. The study spree which accopanied me since starting studying, at the end of my relationship with my first boyfriend, which accompanied me for two years of college, was at an end. I did not find not pleasure nor escape in studying ever since. Studying was getting off my mind the relationship. Now i was unable to do even that. I started smoking. 

Not long after, I was determined to find out what's bothering my boyfriend so much, why we don't get along. And I drove him literally crazy, for three days straight, and he finally spitted out: he cheated on me, after reading those texts. And he hid that from me for an year. Because he knew I was sensitive, and true enough. I blamed me completly for him cheating on me. Apart from the fact that I was already feeling so bad for the messages I sent, now I was feeling bad and blaming me because he cheated on my. Not only because of my messages, but I thought that all that I did wrong to him since we met contributed to this. I blamed me for aggravating the relationship. Not to mention that after he told me he cheated on me, I had to explain myself to me why I still wanted to be with him. I did that. I smoked more and more. I felt desperate, depressed, alone. 

And then it hit me: well, I have to be more happy, easygoing, do that, do that, and the relationship will work. I didn't want to ever forget these things, so I started to replay them in my head every time I felt that something was off, relationship regarded. Every time I was getting mad, sad or angry at something. I know it would have been easier to UNDERSTAND when he was telling me a joke, for example. Or to forgive myself for what I have did. Or to forgive him for what he did and go on with my life. But no, I found a magic pill again: that's when my OCD kicked in.

Fast forward four months, and I was telling myself the magic phrases three times an hour, sometimes even more. I am kidding myself now, when I was with him I repeated the phrases in my head almost constantly. Until one day when I didn't and I felt great, Until my boyfriend mentioned to me, fleeting, the movie he saw with the girl he cheated on me with right after the act was consumed. It's the movie "Inside Out". I saw an ad with it and told him I wanted to see him, and he told me he already saw it and he told me when. Well, then i would have normally used my magic phrase. But I didn't want to use my magic phrase. So i took it all out on him, all the bitterness I harvest in me all this time: I told him everything, that I didn't want to be with him anymore because how could he say that to me, everything. He said he was sorry.

But I was left with no compulsion, and I started to seek reassurance from him almost daily. The truth is that even to this day I can't say I trust his feelings. He's sweet, kind, but I don't believe him. He just isn't to me what he used to be. I just don't see in him to be nice to me, to have feelings for me. So when I burst into anger and he acted so sweet and innocent, he would take me aback. And this happens to this day. Since I expect the worst of him, I am always so tense and I don't enjoy a conversation with him as I used to. I'm sure he's as sweet as ever, like at the beginning. I'm sure he has feelings for me. But I don't feel it anymore. Because I changed. And I miss that feeling so much. Because I'm always so tense around him, I miss out the pleasant parts of the conversations. I always expect him to criticize me, so I misinterpret a lot of his jokes. I'm expecting so much for him to judge me, that I feel offended by the mildest and genuines of piece of advice or observations he makes regarding myself.

Seeking reassurance for him lasted for two months: he simply wasn't disposed to take it anymore. I was not fun and he grew tired of that, and I totally understand him, I mean, I was recycling the same ideas over and over again, it's no wonder he got sick of it. No human being should accept this treatment, especially from the one you love. 

And now I was in search for a new compulsion, and I found it: if i repeat in my head the things he says during a conversation, then I will be able to fully understand him. And if I repeat in my head what I say, then I will be able to CHECK on what I said, to see if it was fitting or appropriate. I developed a new compulsion around that time: if I make up phrases in my head anout the things I see, then I'll develop my conversations skills.

This compulsions lead to others, the most alarming for me at the time: i used to read something and feel I don't understand it fully, and read it again. Also, when watching youtube videos or such, I felt as if I didn't fully understand a word, or I didn't hear it properly, so I had to take the video back right before the word was said and listen again. It was alarming because it felt like OCD. But I was in denail.

As a paranthesis, my mother suggested to me that summer that I might have a mental problem because I wanted to relax and not take a job after that tiresome year. She suggested that I am like my father, which has bipolar disorder.

So when the idea of me having OCD started to pop into my head, I became so scared. I feel i can't even write about this, I can't express my feelings properly. My mother entertained in my the idea that I might go after my father, and here I was, six months later, with a prophecy which was seeming to come true. I went downhill from there. I never searched OCD online, I thought that OCD meant being crazy, and searching OCD online was as if admitting to myself that I was indeed crazy. But my anxiety levels spiked and the things I did to cope with it, the compulsions, were causing me even more anxiety. My father used to talk to strangers, and my mother always criticized him for it. So, when a stranger would get in talk with me, or even the doorman if he were to talk to me, I would think that maybe he/she is crazy, and I would get really scared. I started to become afraid of doormans, especially the ones at the student house i was staying at. I don't know why, maybe because they were strangers, and they would probably get to talk to me and then I would think they were crazy, and this idea scared me.

My compulsions got worse and worse.  Fast forward three months from that time, and I would engage in compulsions constantly, mainly because my main compulsion became the one in which I said things in my head about the things i was seeing: the sky, flowers, leafs, people not so much (that would cause me a fair deal of anxiety, but i would go in my mind rambling about what someone or other one did or said and what that would mean or what it means or what it says about them ecetera, it was mainly fuuny stuff, like my girlfriend said a joke which was funny, it was funny because bla bla.. stuff like that), buildings I was seeing, college subjects, anything really.

Regarding my boyfriend, it got really ugly. I was growing more and more frustrated with myself: that I don't have nice clothes, that I'm fat (I put on 14 pounds), that i don't study as much as i'd like, that im late working on my college graduation project, and, or I would complain about these things to him and he would give me advice and I would feel more miserable, because I was feeling unable to deal with these problems, to find solutions and stick with them, my self esteem was so low that I didn't feel able to cope and deal with these problems, I was so afraid to take action for fear I would fail. Or, if this didn't happen, I would blame him for my insucceses: i got fat because of him, I don't buy nice clothes because of him, I don't have money because of him, I don't work on my college graduation project because I am so stressed about it because of him, and of course the conversation would get ugly. Plus, I was growing more and more gealous: gealous of his hapiness, gealous of the happy confident girls he would sometimes talk with (mainly college coleagues), and I would say mean things about them, or about him talking to them.

I didn't want to go for the Easter vacation home, I wanted to stay and prepare my college graduation paper. I asked him, two weeks before Easter, if I could stay at his place, since it was way more nicer than at the student house. He said yes. Three days before Easter, he said no. I didn't even entertain the idea of staying at the student house in the vacation, so this left a very sour taste in my mouth. It was too late for me to change my plans and go: I already gotten used to the idea that I'll not be home for vacation and I liked it, they were no sleeping van train tickets available anymore, and I didn't want to change my plans: I already told everybody I was not going to go home. After an hour of discussing with him about it, and one more hour of his mother discussing with him about it, he changed his mind again. He said I could stay at his place. But I refused.

The next morning, he said he bumped into a college coleague (girl) the other day. She was saying she didn't start working on her college graduation paper yet. He was telling me this in the idea that I'm not the only one, lol, which was sweet, but all I could think about at the time was: how nice must have been to her to stay all these months without being stressed by her boyfriend, and now she can hapilly and calmly start working. He got really mad when I said this. I admit it wasn't pretty, what I said, and I know it must have been so tiresome in the last months, hearing me so often with mean remarks like that. He started screaming at me, he grabbed my arm. I stopped listening to him. I just sat in silence. Another one of the behaviours my father had, when my mother used to scream at him. It didn't help me much, this correlation. Nonetheless, after that he told me that he grew tired of my behaviour, that everything could be so easy, that i don't really have anything to worry about, and all he wants is for us to get along. He was really sweet.

I accompanied him to the train station. There, I was something I don't remember, which was mean and ugly nonetheless, after that sweet talk he put so much effort into... he got mad again, talked mean to me this time. He was tired of explaining things to me. I finally said I understood what he was trying to said. We left on a kind of sour note.

Back at my place, I decided to not engage in any compulsions, ever again. Come night, he sent me a message in which he said his head hurt. This made me feel so guilty, and I did not have the compulsions to rely on. I remembered I was fat and I felt guilty for myself this time, and miserable again. As a parathesis, I had an attempt to never speak with my mother again two months ealrlier. She wanted me to do something I didn't want to, and she asked about my boyfriend's opinion. When she heard that it's like mine, and not the same as hers, she said that she thinks my boyfriend doesn't love me because of that. We didn't speek for two weeks. After that, she changed. It's as if something shifted in her, regarding her interactions with me. She started being sweet to me, loving, something that never happened before. She started sending me more money. She was trying hard to make up for it. But I was still mad at her. And in that night, besides feeling guilty for my boyfriend and for the fact that I am fat, I also felt guilty for how I treated my mother in the past two months. So so guilty.

But I didn't want to do the compulsions anymore. So my heart starting beating irregularly. I couldn't sleep that night. The next day I had my first panic attack. Well, everything from that is history. I had panic attacks daily for three weeks straight, and when I didn't have panic attacks, my heart would beat like crazy anyway, irregularly, and i was unable to fall asleep for fear that I might die from how hard my heart was pumping. i eventually got in a mental insitution because I was so afraid ill lose control and throw myself into a river. I feared I would throw myself into a river because i felt so guilty to what I did to my boyfriend in all these years.

Now I am off my meds for a week straight. It was just a test, but, after FIVE happy days (and by happy I mean I was able to fall asleep), one night I gave in to a compulsion, and then everything went downhill for there.

I'll explain. I was able to deal with the compulsions for five days because of a mindset I developed during the second day. I was feeling the need to engage in compulsions, I engaged in compulsions, and I got depressed. I thought I went mad and my boyfriend is at fault for this, because in all these years he could have sent me to a therapist, he could have told me I had a problem, but he didn't. As a paranthesis, this was not really true, since he always said to take care of myself and tackle my insomnia, mood swings and too much stress. So I realized I wasn't the one who didn't take care of myself, nobody else is responsible with my mental health but me. I should have dealt with my insomnia and OCD way back, I should have learned to talk to and not care about my mother. Seeing this as my responsibility, I felt relieved. I was in control. I started to see compulsions as merly tics. I had a lot of tics during my lifetime, and I got rid of all of them. So I felt like I'll act actording to my values, I'll do what I want to do, and if the compulsion feels the need to appear, well, I'll control it. I won't engage in it. So I finally felt at peace. I was able to sleep without medication. I spent three days with my boyfriend - three beautiful days.

In the last day, however, I didn't spend it with my boyfriend. So the compulsions appeared and appeared, and I didn't give up on almost any of them. I was happy. But I did give up, a little here and there. Come night, I had a conversation with my roommate which stuck in my head. I reapeted it once, but to no avail. I thought I needed to sleep, because I am tired of resisting so many compulsions!! I put myself in bed, and I had another conversation with my roommate, that sticked again. I didn't do the compulsion, only one or two times. 

Since then I went downhill. After two hours I was unable to sleep, because my heart was pumping so hard. I talked to my boyfriend, which encouraged me go to sleep and relax. I told him "good night sweetie :*" and he sent me a smiley with eyes made out of hearts. I suddenly felt the need to engage in another compulsion: to think about how he sent me the smiley, how it might have looked on the desktop version, how he sent it again. I sent him a heart in return. And now I was thinking about: how I tolt him "good night sweetie :*", how he sent me the smile and how I sent him the heart.

I felt so bad for giving in to that compulsion. I felt as if everything I was trying to build collapsed. I didn't feel in control anymore.
Since then, and this happened four days ago, I was unable to sleep at night. I put myself in bed, and my heart starts beating like crazy. 

Why is this? I wonder, is it because of my fear of going mad? I believe this is the only rational explination, but I'd like to hear your opinion on this. Before having that shift in perspective, I was depressed I went mad and I'll never be happy and serene again. After having the shift, I was happy I was able to control it: it was my responsibility, and I was able to control it, and I was confident I can and I will get over it. After that night, I think, when I gave in to those compulsions, my beliefs shattered: it was my responsability, I was not able to control it, which means that I might have went mad, which spiked my anxiety levels and prevented me from sleep ever since.

How do I stop seeing the OCD as madness? How do I came to peace with the fact that I can't get over all my compulsions all at once, and just because I gave in to a compulsion once, it does not mean that I will not get over it or the war is lost? It was my decision to stop the compulsions and it was my decision to engage in three. I can still control it, even though I gave in to three compulsions then, right?

And just because I gave in to the compulsions, it doesn't mean am I mad, right? I mean, OCD is not madness. I could rest assured from now on, when engaging in a compulsion, being at peace that I did not went mad. Can I?

It's so funny how all these shifts in perspective happened all in my head: I went from being extremly confident calm and happy to the pits of anxiety during a five day period, without any external event happening.

I miss my confident self from a week ago

[Ashley]

On ‎21‎/‎10‎/‎2016 at 11:00, chaosed said:

How do I stop seeing the OCD as madness? How do I came to peace with the fact that I can't get over all my compulsions all at once, and just because I gave in to a compulsion once, it does not mean that I will not get over it or the war is lost?

Hello there,

Don't worry just because you gave into a compulsion once does not mean you are stuck with OCD.  It's important that we are kind to ourselves sometimes and not beat ourselves up for having OCD.  If it was easy to resist compulsions then we would all be overcoming OCD much easier

In order to stop doing the compulsions, sometimes we need to tackle our obsessive thoughts, fears and worries and understand how it all links in together.

I have tried to read your story, but there is a lot there so other people may not feel able to respond because you have written a lot, you might want to perhaps summarise your main question in one paragraph to generate more responses

 

On ‎21‎/‎10‎/‎2016 at 11:00, chaosed said:

My therapists says it's only some OCD behaviours, it's not full fledged.

I think you are describing obsessions and compulsions, and I think anxiety so I would disagree with the therapist that this is not behaviours, but the full blown OC Disorder.

[Ashley]

9 hours ago, Mr Y said:

Hi. I sent you an article via private message, because it's too long to post it on the public forum (and also because of possible copyright infringement issues).

Please cease from sending unsolicited PMs with external links.  If there is something helpful for a user, post the information on the topic, the forum is not a place for constant posting of external links which you like to do.

[Ashley]

43 minutes ago, Mr Y said:

You just don't like me because I disagree with you

I have no problem with anybody disagreeing with me. I do have a huge problem with people posting rubbish on the forum and being a disruptive influence, I only allow that for so long before I take decisive course of action for the smooth running of the forum.

[snowbear]

5 hours ago, Mr Y said:

I think that people here can report private messages if they find them somehow disturbing, so I see no problem with that

People can report an offender to the moderator team, yes. And we will take appropriate action. People can also simply block the sender so the offender is no longer able to send them private messages.

I would strongly recommend that anyone receiving one of your messages with external links, or one of your invitations to start a discussion on OCD theory, delete it immediately and block you from sending further messages. For your sake as well as theirs - it's a compulsion with you and it's not helpful. Unfortunately, Mr Y, you seem to be a long way off recognising your faulty thinking and the troublesome compulsive behaviour which results from it. 

So, you see no problem with someone finding your messages disturbing?  

You think it's ok to upset someone a first time? You think having a system that enables people to block troublemakers absolves you of the responsibility of monitoring your own behaviour in the first place?

Not in the wider world it doesn't, and certainly not on our forum.  

You think because you have no problem with something it means it isn't a problem? That IS the problem. 

You lack empathy. You don't stop to think how an emotionally vulnerable person might react to your messages.

You don't care if other users, who may already be confused about their OCD,  get caught up in crossfire of your nonsense posts on the forum. 

Ashley, I and others are sufficiently aware of your thinking and behaviour problems not be be personally upset by your comments, posts or messages and we will do our best to assist you in recognising where your thinking and behaviour is flawed, as with any forum user.

But you need to start behaving differently as a result of the warnings you've received. Otherwise we will assume you're neither ready nor willing to be an active participant on a forum which is about people helping each other towards recovery. 

[snowbear]

3 minutes ago, Mr Y said:

My messages are not disturbing

In your opinion. But you have no way of knowing how the recipient feels, have you? 

That's what I mean by you having a lack of empathy. You assume whatever you feel about a situation must be how others feel too. You make no attempt (or lack the ability) to imagine any other possibility. 

And even if your posts are intended to get people to make up their own minds, as soon as anything you've posted is challenged you become defensive, you insist people are missing the point, that your views are the right views, as if your view is the only possible view an educated person would take.

That's not helping people make up their own minds - it's forcing your opinion down their throats. And a very skewed, often poorly-educated-on-OCD, opinion at that. 

[chaosed]

I found Mr. Y's article somewhat useful, as it offered insight into Scrupulosity OCD, and over the past week or so I noticed that indeed I have some traits that would indeed point into that direction.

I can't edit my first post, I don't know why. I wish I could.

I am pretty down right now, I don't know exactly why. Mainly because in the last five days of so I tried to be mindful. I started doing mindful breathing meditation for detachment from overthinking and it really helped, it also helped keep my compulsions in check. I did it far less often, and was way less affected by them.

But I am only at the beginning in my road to recovery.

What discouraged me today was this: I reinstalled my windows, and I lost my Google Chrome bookmarks. I used to have a folder for keeping links about questions I search online and useful responses I find related to that question (I am working towards becoming a software engineer). That was different from the folder I kept to stuff related to programming - full fledged articles with useful techniques.

Today I searched a question online, and found a useful reply I wanted to save for later - but, obviously, the bookmark folder I had for this wasn't anymore. So I didn't know where to put it. I wanted to create a new folder, but I didn't find a suitable name for it. I also didn't know if it would be best or not to make it a subfolder of the programming folder.

So this bothered me basically all day - the fact that I can't seem to find a suitable name for the type of links I want to save in there. 

I don't know... is this related to OCD? I still haven't figured out a name for that folder, learning, work, code snippets, I don't know, nothing seems to fit what I want. I never had this problem before, I never had a problem with coming up with a name for a folder, it was always natural, and I was never bothered wether the name was related to the content or not (as long as I knew what was in the folder).

I think that five days resisting compulsions, being mindful and not paying attention to my thoughts, just letting them come and go, have really took a toll on me. Now I am tired. Am I going in the right direction?

I don't know why it bothers me so much, and why I can't come up for a name for that folder. Maybe because it used to have a specific name I can't remember now, and everything else doesn't seem as good as that. Maybe I should forget all together about the old bookmarks and come with a new name for the folder I want to make.