Jump to content

Misplaced guilt or?


Guest tigerlady

Recommended Posts

Guest tigerlady

I was at a porn blog, with videos, and I found one where the people were doing it in a room that couldve been a younger person's, maybe? 

Anywho, I freaked out, trying to remember if I'd masturbated to it before (without reason, since she didn't look younger, and the blog is 18+)

I started looking at other blogs, trying to find the source of the video and/or their ages, and I came across one blog that had a comment added to it that was a link to "young teen" stuff.

So, I clicked on the blog, NOT THE LINK, to see if it was just an added ad to a different site, since the girl didn't look that young. 

But, I feel gross, because of what the link said. I feel like, by going to the blog (which I found nothing at), I was trying to find that kind of stuff. Like, I didn't care.

Rationally, I know I wasn't, since I didn't click the link, but my OCD is telling me I screwed up. That if anybody I care about found out, they'd think I was bad.

I'm really trying not to do any compulsions about this (aside from this, I guess)

I was actually doing quite well until all this, like I hadn't had any themes for a while.

Edited by tigerlady
Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

I'm trying. I actually realized yesterday (before this) that I haven't actually done anything wrong. That my anxieties have all been due to my OCD putting every little shred of evidence of me being a bad person through a filter of catastrophizing. 

I feel like that's what this is. So, that's helping.

Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

I thought so, but it still feels good to have someone else say so. So, thank you.

And thanks for the welcome, also.

I actually had a breakthrough yesterday, where I realized all that. Hopefully, that'll help me keep my obsessions/compulsions to a minimum.

It already is, kinda. Like, before, I wouldve been freaking out over this. Feeling like a monster for doing it. Now, I realize that I wasn't looking for anything like that. Despite it being on impulse. If I had truly thought I would find something like that I wouldn't of done it.

Like, I feel like I have more confidence in myself, and what I would/wouldn't do.

I'm glad I found this forum. I think it'll help.

Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

If I may, I'd like to just talk some more about my OCD, and how it's screwed up my brain.

I've had many different themes, ever since I was a kid. Sometimes multiple at the same time. It always made me feel bad. I spent hours focused on my obsessions, did compulsions all the time, felt really guilty, isolated myself.

It brought me nothing but fear, doubt, and guilt. I felt like a monster, a freak.

I've never told anybody about my Pure-O themes. But, my contamination fears were obvious. 

I know now that I'm not a bad person. I know now that my OCD was lying to me, in some attempt to protect me from becoming my worst fear(s).

I don't feel like I can call myself an ex-sufferer yet (this post is an example) but comparing my reaction to where it would've been earlier, I can say that I am improving. And I am so glad.

I no longer fear that I am a monster. I no longer ruminate through every possible shred of evidence that I can recall trying to assure myself I'm not. Because I know that I'm not.

I've taken control, and with it, my life back.

Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

Wow, thanks! I didn't expect it to be, so that's cool.

I feel like, in a weird way, this all had to happen. One last compulsion, where I can see how little of a grasp OCD has on me.

I feel an ex-sufferer status for me is just out of reach. I hope to grab it soon.

 

I do have a few questions regarding my approach to all this:

▪When did you reach that level? Like, how did you know?

▪Also, does anybody know how to find a CBT therapist in the states? I can't see one right yet, but I'd love to know how to eventually get in touch with one.

▪Does the "addiction" to dopamine that fuels OCD indicate further addiction issues? Like, woukd it be easier for someone with OCD to become addicted to something?

▪Lastly, what should be the next step? What can/should I do to bridge that last distance between sufferer and ex-sufferer?

 

I'm.sorry for all the questions. I just want to do this right. I'm so close to ending any suffering that I don't want to risk anything.

Edited by tigerlady
Link to comment

When I reached a place where I was no longer doing compulsions and I was able to brush off intrusive thoughts easily, I guess I became an ex-sufferer.

You're going to have to do some legwork to find a CBT therapist. Start with a chat with your doctor. He/she should know about mental health resources in your area.

I have no idea what you are talking about when you say addicted to dopamine and OCD.

Keep away from compulsions. Learn what compulsions you are likely to do and eork hard to stop them. And get in the right mindset where you can dismiss intrusive thoughts easily.

Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

Oh, okay. I don't think I'm there, as I did do some mild rumination over this. But, I'm getting there!

I will keep that in mind, thank you.

I saw someone on here describe it as such, so I just assumed it was. My mistake.

And I'm trying hard to! Rumination is a big one, along with checking. And confessing. But, I'm getting better.

Thank you for answering!

Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

I feel good right now.

A song I used to listen to in high school came on the radio, and (in a weird way) it assured me that I'm still that girl. That I'm not some monster, all of a sudden.

That probably sounds dumb, but that was a huge component in my guilt. Fear that I wasn't that person anymore.

But, I know now that I still am.

My OCD may have tried its hardest, (twisting memories, catastrophizing events) to convince me otherwise, but it didn't win.

I did.

I won.

 

Edited by tigerlady
Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

Today's been... Interesting. I feel like I'm saying goodbye to a big hurt. Like, after today, it'll all be different.

Can any ex-sufferers relate?

Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

I did feel a bit anxious when I woke up, but it's going away.

Mornings are always filled with anxiety for me, anyway. I still feel confident about my journey.

Edited by tigerlady
Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

I feel.like such a fraud, now. I was all confident yesterday, and now I can feel myself at the precupice, dangling over the edge, ready to fall back into old thinking.

I hate this.

I know I'm a good person. Why is my OCD so determined to make me feel otherwise?

I'm sorry, guys.

Edited by tigerlady
Link to comment

Quit the negative self talk. You're going to have bad days. That's the nature of the beast. Shrug it off, make a commitment to try your best not to ruminate or do other compulsions and get yourself involved in some tasks around the house.

Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

I was just so confident yesterday, that it's discouraging to see it all come down. I guess I'm just anticipating a "finish line" of sorts where I no longer worry about this. No bad days.

But, you're right. Bad days are part and parcel. I just have to accept that.

Slow and steady, I guess.

Thank you for the reply. Does it get any easier as an ex-sufferer?

 

Edited by tigerlady
Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

Although, I can take solace in the fact that I'm not even freaking out anymore. So, that's encouraging.

I am sorry for being so changeable. And for making this thread so long. It's just nice to have a place where I can talk about all this.

I feel better, now. I don't know if I'll keep posting on this thread, since I don't want to make my bad days worse.

Edited by tigerlady
Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

OCD anxiety is in the background today, trying its hardest, but I'm trying even harder to ignore it. Ans while I realize that the anxiety won't go away completely, I can control what I do about it. Easier said than done, but still possible.

I know I'm a good person. And that's enough.

It's ironic, I feel bad for having OCD, like having these thoughts makes me bad, but it only attacks our morals. So, I shouldn't feel bad, because it's only because I care so much that I have these worries.

Edited by tigerlady
Link to comment
Guest tigerlady

The next steps going forward are as follows:

▪working on quitting compulsions (i.e. ruminating, confessing, googling, reassurance seeking)

▪cutting out anxiety-heightening foods

▪getting into a morning routine, maybe involving meditation? (Though my anxiety is highest during that time, so maybe not)

Any suggestions?

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...