Can't move on from failed relationship because of my OCD. Seeking help

[Guest crmze06]

I am 29 years old and dealing with I believe to be obsessive/intrusive thoughts. These thoughts are primarily related to not being able to get over someone and/or move on from a failed relationship.  I am contemplating talking to my doctor about some medication or talking to a Psychiatrist and am seeking advice.

Some background:

The first guy I liked, I liked for over 10 years. I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there was literally no chance of us being together but I couldn’t move on no matter how much I tried. My mind was stuck on him. To this day, I still don’t know how I got over him.

As of this January, I have been having the same issues trying to get over someone else because he is always stuck in my head. I know these thoughts are normal for a breakup but we are coming up on a year and I still cannot get this guy out of my head. I have thoughts racing through my head that keep me from being productive during the day and sleeping at night. I keep playing out different scenarios in my head of how things could have been different and having imaginary conversations with him. I know that everyone struggles during a breakup but given my extremes, I finally decided to see if there was something different about me.

I have talked to my doctor about this in the past. Without “self-diagnosing”I simply told him what I was going through and he said it sounded like I have some OCD tendencies/ruminating thoughts. I’ve been on both Celexa and Lexapro before and absolutely hated the side effects. It killed my libido and made it impossible to achieve orgasm. Researching similar drugs, I’ve found that pretty much all drugs in this category have that side effect. In addition, I know that once I start taking it, I have to ween off of it or it could cause some even greater side effects.

I’m kind of at my wits end and don’t know where to go from here. The depression/thoughts have gotten even worse since the Fall weather hit. I usually get depressed every Fall and Winter and my situation is not helping. I find myself getting angry at times because I can’t stop thinking about him. I just want to break everything around me. I just want him to be a part of my life and I can’t move past it even though I know he doesn’t want that anymore.

I’ve been told to see a psychiatrist as they will be better as prescribing medications for my given situation than a general practitioner. I really don’t want to go on meds again but I need to do something because I can’t keep going on like this. I feel like I’m struggling to survive and I just want to scream. Can anyone offer any advice?

[PolarBear]

Hi crmze and welcome to the forum.

What you really need is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.  It's the gold standard treatment for OCD. You'd learn what compulsions you are doing, and you are doing them. You'll learn to change your thought patterns. And you'll learn that you can slow diwn and stop your compulsions so this isn't on your mind all day long.

[snowbear]

I second Polar Bear on this, you need CBT. Medication isn't going to treat the underlying problem, at best it's only going to take the edge off the distress caused by the thoughts. A cognitive therapist can help you identify you're ruminating behaviours and hopefully would also address the beliefs which are likely to be contributing to your prolonged grief.  

1 hour ago, crmze06 said:

I know that everyone struggles during a breakup

Really? What makes you think that?  

Getting over a break-up doesn't have to be hard, but if you have a preconceived idea that an emotionally difficult time is 'normal' you can talk yourself into being obsessed and miserable. Change the belief and your thoughts change. You are then free to feel what you feel and move on without getting stuck trying to fulfill your subconscious expectations. 

Similarly, how you think about yourself generally has a big influence on how well you cope with life events. Low self-esteem or a belief you can't cope on your own often lie at the root of desperately wanting someone back. When you accept there's a difference between wanting someone for the pleasure of their company and believing you need someone to survive, the perceived threat of being alone is put back into perspective and your instinctive 'fight for survival' anger can be switched off. 

How we think, how we interpret situations is key to how we experience them. Changing your perception of the event (the break-up) and questioning the expectation of feeling a particular way should enable you to move forward. Ask your GP for a CBT referral.

[Guest crmze06]

So a psychiatrist may be overkill? I've found a few therapists online but it's really hard to make a decision. I was only leaning towards a psychiatrist because they have the ability to prescribe medications.

[snowbear]

A psychiatrist's job is to diagnose what's wrong and separate it out from other possible diagnoses. They know how CBT works to treat OCD and depression and will often provide pointers and insights on where you're thinking has gone astray to help get you started, but they aren't trained therapists and don't usually undertake much 'talking therapy' themselves. And it's the talking therapy that cures, medication only eases symptoms.

There's a risk if you meet a bad psychiatrist, or a busy one, that ALL they'll do is prescribe medication. Any help given towards changing your thinking is done as part of an appointment that has a medication review at its core. 

Whereas, with a therapist it's all about working towards your thinking goals from the moment you walk through the door to the moment you leave. The focus is on eradicating the problem, not managing the symptoms.