My OCD Story

[Guest tigerlady]

I've been meaning to post this for a while, as way to look back on how far I've come, and to show people that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't give up!

 

I was diagnosed with OCD when I was a kid. It's brought a few different themes, and I always felt othered, ostracized because of it.

For the most part, it's been contamination fears that took the forefront. If I felt dirty, I was completely unable to focus on anything that wasn't getting clean again. I would go out of my way to avoid germs, like avoiding touching anything that somebody else had, and carrying around sanitizer everywhere. I still struggle, at times, but relying on public transportation has helped, as a sort of exposure.

In high school, I developed a different obsession, one that I've heard little about elsewhere, and that I almost don't want to talk about. But, in my sophmore year, due to intrusive thoughts during masturbation, I developed a fear that I was attracted to a monster. It didn't help that he was a special interest of mine.

I don't want to say who, but it terrified me. I knew deep down that I wasn't, but I didn't know about intrusive thoughts, then, so I kinda just accepted it. I didn't fantasize about him, but I just accepted the thoughts, in a sense. Which, in a way, probably made them go away. I just realized that.

Later on, after graduation. I started a blog, and it made my "just right" obession worse. I would't be able to relax, unless everything was symmetrical. I would spend hours ensuring everything was aligned and perfect.

Last year, I went through a psychotic break (unrelated to OCD) and I found myself suffering from HOCD. During that time, any harm was intended towards myself (I don't know why, really) but I did have a fear that I wanted to hurt my family. I would perform a compulsion where I would pick up knives to test my reaction, which was never good. And I would stab pillows, and such, with my thumb in an effort to make the urge go away.

Similarly, I submitted my urge to a venting blog, in an effort to get rid of it. Which I think worked, since seeing people agree with it, scared it out of me. Not that I ever wanted to act on it, but it's like my brain realized I didn't, and pushed it out of my conciousness.

My worst obsession, however, was that I was a monster. This led to checking/flooding, hyper-awareness of any possible shred of evidence, rumination, reassurance seeking, googling ages, etc. All the usual compulsions.

The dark before the dawn started last month, when I found myself in the worst spike of my life. Utterly terrified I was a monster, more than I was. It all started with me being attracted to a 22 year old actor (my exact age, mind you) playing a high schooler. I was also fighting an especially stubborn false memory. I realize now that there was nothing to worry about,  but it seemed so awful then.

Out of desperation, I searched online for anything that could help. Forums, blogs, anything.

Finally, I found this site, and I made an account, asking for reassurance. I can't even remember over what, anymore. But, I soon had my thread/account deleted, out of my perfectionism, which I do struggle with. This continued on a few times, always in the same manner of asking for help, and then leaving.

Until I decided to do something, to put an end to my OCD. To start living, instead of coping. This account started out as another throwaway, but thanks to SnowBear, I decided to stay, and it has made a world of difference.

Over the time I've spent here, I've learned so much about how OCD works, and how to combat it. To the point that I no longer consider myself a sufferer.

I still slip up, sometimes, with feeling guilty, or "bad", but I realize that it's futile, since OCD only attacks that which we hold dear. I would never hurt anybody, so OCD tries to look out for me by providing me with proof challenging that fear. It's a malfunctioning awareness system. My guardian angel, thriving on anxiety. It tried its best, but it didn't do any good.

But now, I can confidently say that, after years of struggle, I know, without a doubt, that I am good person.

I no longer live by OCD's rules.

I've taken control, and my life, back.

Edited October 25, 2016 by tigerlady