I was aroused. What does it mean?

[Guest OCDsufferer9]

At 18 I had a relapse from which I still suffer to this day. my fear is that of being a pedophile. As I was watching TV, I saw the bum of 2 minors and got aroused, like I wanted to masturbate, to course to adult porn. I am afraid now as they were minors. 

Edited December 5, 2016 by OCDsufferer9

[paradoxer]

Let it go. And don't ruminate. 

[JCano]

51 minutes ago, OCDsufferer9 said:

my fear is that of being a pedophile.

My POCD (pedophile OCD) has switched to ROCD (relationship OCD). However, when I suffered from POCD, it was so terrible so I know how you feel. I enjoyed watching porn that included a chick around my age and some older guy, it was kind of a sexual fetish that I knew I would never do in real life. I started to second guess myself as to whether the chicks in the video were really 18 years of age. The word "teen" made me freak out! Being abused at a really young age did not help at all so I totally know how you feel. Have you been avoiding these triggers or did you have some coping skills?

[Emily]

I completely understand. Just know, you are not a pedophile I guarantee. Feel free to message me if you would like to discuss more 

[paradoxer]

Emily, you're no doubt well intentioned, but please understand that giving reassurance is counter productive.

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, Emily said:

I completely understand. Just know, you are not a pedophile I guarantee. Feel free to message me if you would like to discuss more 

Emily, we try not to give blatant reassurance here on the forum. Outright saying "you are not a pedophile" is actually giving the sufferer reassurance. While it might make them feel good for a few minutes, soon enough doubt comes back and they're back asking for more reassurance. It's a compulsion and it's something that needs to stop.

[PolarBear]

Try to drop this as quick as you can. Your OCD has honed onto this thing and if you do compulsions around it, it's going to cement itself in your head. Let it go.

[Guest OCDsufferer9]

10 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Emily, you're no doubt well intentioned, but please understand that giving reassurance is counter productive.

 

11 hours ago, Emily said:

I completely understand. Just know, you are not a pedophile I guarantee. Feel free to message me if you would like to discuss more 

 

My partner studied mental health, OCD specifically, and has been telling me that because I made a connection between sex and kids I am bound to feel sexual feelings whenever I am triggered. I think he is right, to be honest. Deep down I know it's that but you know how it is, the urge to seek reassurance because of the doubt is too overwhelming sometimes. 

Just as I was beginning to ignore this doubt another question popped up. I was thinking about what I felt and a new feeling came up. I was genuinely aroused by a minor, I had that urge you get when you honestly just want to have sex and make love, you know? But then I realised he was just a kid. How can I want to be with him?

[ohwhyhello]

All this researching and analyzing and information-gathering, comparing and contrasting an intrusive thought, fact-finding; this is what's making you suffer, and causing your anxiety levels to rise, not the thought itself. OCD doesn't respond to logic. In fact, it thrives on logic. You got a feeling? You had a thought? So what? Who cares where it came from? It's junk, brain vomit. You can't make the thought go away. You'll never know where it came from. All you can change is your reaction. Say "Yeah, maybe I am a pedophile, maybe I am aroused by children. Oh well, I am going to continue living my life despite that." And then do just that. Do your banking, get groceries, hang out with friends, go to work, play mindless games on your phone. Anything but interracting with the content of your obsession. Don't argue with the thought; don't seek explanations; don't research anatomy studies, etc. Accept the thought, and then do your best to continue your life. It's hard a first, but I can guarantee you ruminating and researching is never going to get you anywhere. Accepting the thought, well that's what'll cure you.

Edited December 6, 2016 by ohwhyhello

[paradoxer]

12 hours ago, OCDsufferer9 said:

 

 

My partner studied mental health, OCD specifically, and has been telling me that because I made a connection between sex and kids I am bound to feel sexual feelings whenever I am triggered. I think he is right, to be honest. Deep down I know it's that but you know how it is, the urge to seek reassurance because of the doubt is too overwhelming sometimes. 

Just as I was beginning to ignore this doubt another question popped up. I was thinking about what I felt and a new feeling came up. I was genuinely aroused by a minor, I had that urge you get when you honestly just want to have sex and make love, you know? But then I realised he was just a kid. How can I want to be with him?

You're doing it again buddy, ritualizing. Stop engaging with the question. Let. It. Go. 

[Guest OCDsufferer9]

7 hours ago, paradoxer said:

You're doing it again buddy, ritualizing. Stop engaging with the question. Let. It. Go. 

 

I wish I have the strength. I know I do because I've done it before and I was actually doing very good. I even had a job working with kids and it was the best job I have ever had so far but still, it didn't serve as personal reassurance to me that I did nothing. I still obsess I might be a pedophile. I just can't let that feeling of being horny and wanting to have sex with a kid go. I'm afraid it's real.

[Guest OCDsufferer9]

I'm just so worried because it felt so real when I had that feeling of being as horny as if I was on fire. It felt so natural, as if nothing bad was happening and it's different from before in the sense that this time it felt 10x more real.

[PolarBear]

You're making it so much worse ruminating over it. You'll stay stuck until you start dealing with this differently.

[Guest OCDsufferer9]

5 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You're making it so much worse ruminating over it. You'll stay stuck until you start dealing with this differently.

 

Today I met with my boyfriend and we talked it out. He studied mental health so he's  very supportive and do not reassure me. In fact I feel a bit better, but still, because it felt 10x more real than usual and because of how natural it felt, it just makes me scared.