Really stuck in the mud

[Joewest439]

I'm having serious trouble letting go of the urge to ruminate at the moment. For the past week, I've been intensely obsessing about a moment that I'm not sure wether it was me experiencing natural anger, or wether my OCD took over from the trigger and made me 'feel' like I was angry. MY OCD SEEMS TO HIJACK NORMAL ANGER / ANNOYANCE TRIGGERS AND I CAN'T TELL WHAT'S REAL. Honestly, it's pure torture.

I reached a point the night before last where I found the strength to move on from this obsession, without having to clarify what actually happened. All day yesterday I was like a new man. In the evening, doubt started to creep in, minorly at first, but it grew and grew. I avoided ruminating for a long while, but the feeling of it being 'unresolved' just hung over me like a black cloud. 

I had a driving lesson just now, and had to pull over and pretend I felt sick in order to have a mini reassurance period. Even after that, I couldn't even postpone the topic in my head. I couldn't focus and made mistake after mistake. I have my first driving test tomorrow, and this is ruining everything.

The fact that I still don't know exactly what happened the day this obsession occurred seems to be preventing me from moving on, no matter how disciplined I am. Every time I try to be strong, I get scared that this particular thing will be hanging over me forever. I really need help at the moment.

Telling myself that 'it's probably just my anxiety / OCD anyway' without getting into the futile struggle of analysing the specifics just doesn't seem to be working.

[taurean]

I see your difficulty. 

Why not treat as OCD your damaging anger issues, and your emotional response to them? 

Since you know it seems that you do have anger management issues, tackle them as a completely separate problem. 

In this way there is no need to analyse the particular incident, and because there is no need, maybe that will help you ease away from the - pointless - ruminating. 

[Joewest439]

Thanks for the reply. I have tried to stop analysing it, but I find that even if I move on - all it takes is a moment of considering the topic to set off the process  of doubting it again.

I can cope with knowing it was OCD, or knowing it was justified anger, or even knowing it was a combination of both. But not knowing WHICH it was - it's driving me mad.

[PolarBear]

You have to give up your desire to know for sure. We as humans do not know for sure everything. In fact, we tend to be unsure of an awful lot of things. We're used to that and we're okay with that and we don't dwell on it. That's where you need to get to. Every time, and I mean every time, you get an intrusive thought that makes you want to figure things out, you have to shrug it off, tell yourself it doesn't matter and refocus on whatever you are doing at the time. Do not let OCD get a foothold. Leave it completely alone and be okay with not knowing.

[Joewest439]

Well said, as always. The pursuit of certainty is an unwinnable battle. There have been more difficult obsessions than this in the fairly recent past that I've been able to shrug off, this one is harder I think because it's been in my head almost a week now, so seems so important. It was actually fairly moderate at first.

I always find myself worrying 'what if it's not OCD this time' or 'what if the initial thought wasn't intrusive', but I know that even if the thought wasn't OCD, the resulting obsession with it certainly is. 

[taurean]

1 minute ago, Joewest439 said:

I've been able to shrug off, this one is harder I think because it's been in my head almost a week now, so seems so important.

It isn't important - it is just those messages in your brain telling you it is. 

 

[Joewest439]

Excellent points there. It's so important to bear in mind that there is no real danger.

I've been refocused on reality about 24 hours now. Had to fight off the urge to ruminate a few times, including now. I find the urge seems to just come at me gradually, in waves. But I know I have to avoid the trap of going into the specifics of the topic on my mind, and be content with knowing it was probably just OCD, whatever it was.