Let myself down.

[Cub]

Hi all

Wanted to write in - disaster of a night. I burst into tears halfway through the staff Christmas party, halfway through the evening in the toilets of the club we went to and now I just absolutely hate myself. It's the last Christmas party ever for the team and when it arrived, I just completely let myself and everyone down. I tried to pretend to be happy but it felt like a futile effort and I didn't know what to say to people so couldn't bring myself to join in. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

I just feel so bad; this has been a week of going to social events and then not fitting in. I feel like someone ought to give me a slap because I've been so selfish. I don't know how to start making this up to people. I feel like I don't understand what to do.

I'm sorry to all of you, too. You guys gave me advice and I just failed you all, as well as myself. I'm sorry.

C x

[taurean]

Aw don't feel bad. 

You made an effort, didn't turn and run 

Given what happened it is understandable you have slipped into lack of self-worth and self-loathing - which are your base position thinking distortions. 

Take a forum community hug today, we care.

Don't worry about what your work colleagues think - they know your emotions hurt you. 

If there had just been one event you would have got through no doubt. 

We have to all work on " being purely a witness not a judge " on our thoughts feelings and emotions. 

Seeing the nasty intrusions as silly worthless manipulation from the disorder, that our core values are being targeted, is the approach we must work on. 

We carry an unpleasant burden, but blame has no part in it - the burden is simply an unwanted unpleasant mental illness. 

Your bad emotions overcame you last night. 

But you didn't fail anybody - you tried.  

Edited December 9, 2016 by taurean
typo

[Cub]

You're so kind, Taurean.  I'm so sorry, but thankyou for the comfort. 

C x

[taurean]

Don't beat yourself up. 

It's a blip nothing more. 

Knowing what best to do, but actually doing it, are very different things. 

You can regroup over the weekend, and bounce back next week,  remembering what I said about attitude to the unpleasant thoughts. 

Our dear Canadian friend PolarBear had it right when replying to someone similarly distressed by unwanted opposite to core value intrusions. He said they don't have an exclusive patent on them 

The more we see them for OCD turning our real feelings on their heads, the more we treat them as silly obsessions or think "I am having a thought that"  the more we can leave our bad emotion behind, not react and not, correspondingly, strengthen the intrusions. 

 

Edited December 9, 2016 by taurean
typo

[Cub]

That's very clever of Polar; a good CBT technique right there! I'm going to squirrel that away. The OCD has hit fast and furious this year and I've been doing a motherload of compulsions and...Well. Just not cool, is it? *glares at my little OCD gremlin*

I've had to change plans for the evening; was going to go out with a friend but after spending most of the day crying, I though it best to text her, explain and apologise. I've just basically spent the whole week WEEPING and I was afraid the noise and lights - neither of which I feel I can handle right now - will set me off again. Also, this time of the year is difficult for me as it's the month my Mum died and I can feel it creeping up on me. I went to a carol concert today and choked up when I was trying to sing because I felt so alone and emotional.

Thankyou for being kind. I feel guilty over something; a friend who came to my aid last night said she knew I can feel left out sometimes and this makes me feel like a child who's throwing her toys out of the pram. It's true I don't always feel comfortable with the group and can feel invisible but I don't want people thinking I'm looking for attention by being sad. I don't want people feeling sorry for me and sitting with me because of that. I just feel these things - overly-attached to people and then guilt for being overly-attached in the first place, because I feel so stupid and I don't understand; it makes me back off further so I don't get in the way or make social presumptions. On top of that, there's still some analysing on my part - should I say something, not say something,  etc. It's exhausting to deal with daily and I feel like a freak. I just feel frightened - mainly of myself.

But OCD will challenge our values - so O must challenge OCD. 

Thankyou once more.

C x

[taurean]

You explain so well what you struggle with. 

Which means you can see where you may want to do the OCD homework. 

Sensible decision today,  rest up and regroup. 

Roy 

[drac31]

Hiya Cub,

I understand you are having a really tough time at the moment 

You are in my thoughts, not alone and everyone on here cares about you. I know you can overcome your difficulties and Beat The Bully 

I know the struggle, experience it daily and have decided that it is now time for me to take back control. I realise there are a lot of steps to climb, it might not be easy to getting up to the next step, but it can be done. I feel that by going to the party last night you climbed a step. Be kind to yourself and recognise your achievements, even if they don't feel like it.

Sending you a massive virtual hug and my very best regards 

[Cub]

Thankyou so much both for this helpful support and for not judging me.  You have made this easier.

C x

[margarita!]

I hope you feel better today. Big hugs 

[Cub]

And big hugs to you too, Margerita. Thankyou; much better.