Back After a Long While Not Posting

[Gerard]

Hello everyone,

I hope this finds at least some of you at peace and happy.

I'm going through a bad time at the moment. It's a carbon-copy of an episode which really brought me to my knees in 2009.

My OCD currently centres around my marriage, the most important thing in my life. I have super-strict rules about my behaviour with women.

8 years ago, I got scared about a woman I was working with. I really don't know why. It was a combination of "Do I find her attractive? / Am I in love with her? / Is she after me?". I'd known this woman a .long while but then she became my boss and that's when the weirdness started happening. Whenever I was around her I would get this whoosh of terror. This feeling made me even more scared because it kind of resembled the feelings one gets when one is around someone one really fancies. It was awful, I became significantly suicidal and I had to practise very aggressive exposure therapy to get over it. I still work with that woman now, and have absolutely no issues with her whatsoever, which is fantastic.

Anyway, exactly the same thing is now happening with another woman at work. The last episode was so appalling that I was praying to God I'd never go through anything like it again. I'm getting exactly the same whooshes of terror. I've been practising the 4 Steps and for a while they were really working. I've been saying to myself, "It's not me, it's my OCD" and refocussing. Like I said it was really working but the last week has been very painful and exhausting. Every time I see this woman, a new image gets stuck in my head and it's started to grind me down terribly. I think part of what is so exhausting is that I know I'm going to be seeing her every day. Maybe that's a key point: my OCD has fixated on a woman from whom there is no escape, so to speak. She's a really nice person and, yes, I do think she's attractive, but I come in to contact with any number of nice and attractive women but can usually just walk away.

I must get in to a space where I am GLAD that I'll be seeing this woman each day, as it'll give me the chance to conquer the terror.

It's so dreadful sharing about this stuff because I get terrified people won't understand. The bottom line is that I'm very happily married and am not interested in intimacy with any other women. I suppose when a woman is kind and approaches me / if I think she fancies me (and no I don't think I'm God's gift), it also throws me in to a panic because it transgresses my "rules" around women, so to speak.

I'm trying really hard to practise the 4 Steps, not avoid her and not practise any confession rituals with my wife.

Please help and support me. God knows I need it. Also, I would be so appreciative to hear from others who've experienced this sort of manifestation of OCD. Feel free to private message me.

Love and light to you all,

G x

[PolarBear]

Hi Gerard. Welcome back.

It sounds like you have a sound plan and are putting it into practice. You know that you can't give an inch to the intrusive thoughts you are getting. You have to dismiss them as irrelevant and not worth responding to with compulsions, which includes confessing and ruminating. That last one is the big one. It's so easy to get caught up in thinking and thinking about the thoughts and what they mean. You've got to be hard on yourself and really try to not ruminate. Dismiss the thoughts and refocus onto what you are doing. Repeat that every time and the intrusive thoughts will begin to lose steam.

Good luck.

[Gerard]

Oh Polar Bear thank you so much.

I am going to follow your advice to the letter. As you mentioned, I have been doing that but recently got crippled by the savagery of the OCD. And you are right - for me, rumination is the big compulsion and, at times, feels irresistible.

But your support has put new wind in my sales, dear man. God what would I do if I didn't have this haven to which I can retreat.

Love and thanks,

G xxx

[Cub]

Hello Gerard (love your icon!)

Goodness gracious! I have had a very similar experience to yourself with regards to a superior of mine who is also female. I've been so confused and while I love her to bits and appreciate her friendship and kindness, I feel awkward and nervous around her and she is one whom I fear having 'bad' thoughts about. It's been plaguing me for the last year. I don't understand why and have been trying to figure out why her and if I feel something for her I shouldn't. I'm not even gay or bisexual. But it feels similar to 'fancying' feelings and I've been confused, frightened and unable to look her in the eye - as well as feeling rather pathetic for feeling overly-attached and wishing I could just be at ease; my nervous behaviour speaks for itself.

Don't worry, I do understand a lot of what you've said. It is tiring - you're glad to see them (I think it's admiration, like you would admire a teacher, you know?) But to deal with it all the time is horrid.

Sorry for the rambling; Polar I think has been able to give more practical advice. But I just want to say, I know, I get it, I understand to at least a degree. 

C x

[Gerard]

Thank you for your response, Cub. It really is generous of you to be so honest. It's terrifying isn't it?

But you've absolutely nailed the issue and if there's one thing which can be taken out of this experience, it's....that it's OCD!

I really want to support you as well. Let's try and put Polar Bear's advice in to practise:

You know that you can't give an inch to the intrusive thoughts you are getting. You have to dismiss them as irrelevant and not worth responding to with compulsions, which includes confessing and ruminating. That last one is the big one. It's so easy to get caught up in thinking and thinking about the thoughts and what they mean. You've got to be hard on yourself and really try to not ruminate. Dismiss the thoughts and refocus onto what you are doing. Repeat that every time and the intrusive thoughts will begin to lose steam.

I think it's only tonight I've realised that "ruminating" is my primary compulsion.

Let's hold each other by the hand and slay this OCD Beast!

Love and light to you,

G x

 

[Cub]

Hi Gerard

I was more than happy to share my story; it's a bit embarrassing, yeah, but I found myself reading your post and nodding along to everything you were saying. At the risk of sounding selfish, it was deeply reassuring, actually; I've poured my heart out to my family on the matter but to speak to someone who gets it on an OCD level made me feel less alone as I was genuinely wondering if maybe I was not as straight as I assumed. Not that I'm distressed at the thought of dating a woman, if she was the right person, but given my long-standing crush on Benedict Cumberbatch...

Anyway, I kept your words in mind today. I would be glad to fight beside you! :flag: Ruminating is a massive one; I make the slightest social faux paus and I freak out the rest of the day, overanalysing and over-thinking. The OCD and my natural awkwardness combine so I tend to panic around the person and make awkward small talk whilst trying to keep the OCD at bay. Today though, I managed better by talking about something else. I felt very proud of myself. I feel like a silly child, yes, but I felt good.

C x

[Gerard]

Thanks again, Cub!

We go through don't we, we OCD-sufferers.

But as long as we stick together we'll lick it! I think we all maker a great team

Love and light,

G xxx

[Gerard]

This is just for me. I'm working hard at practising the 4 steps so here goes:

(A) Recognise the scary thought as an obsession. I get it because I have OCD.

(B) Recognise the temptation to ruminate (the big one for me) as a compulsion. Refuse to give in to the compulsion, and instead...

(C) Refocus on an activity. Keep going with the activity even if the thoughts persist. Apparently I am actually changing my brain's biochemistry for the better when I am doing that.

(D) Re-evaluate the original thought. It passed and what not worth any credibility whatsoever.

No doubt that this is hard but I am feeling so much better for following through with it and absolutely determined to continue.

Love and light,

Gerard