Stuck, again trying to figure out if me wanting things a certain way is OCD

[saddaniels]

Hi guys,

So, I'm really struggling right now trying to figure out if the content in the audio clip below is OCD or not. Any tips, advice, etc. would be greatly appreciated. 

http://vocaroo.com/i/s0RF2g1mhcWN

[PolarBear]

You're back to square one again. You say early on that you felt you had to do an exposure and make the screen not right. That's where you get into trouble. There was no reason to do an exposure. You are allowed to have a preference and stick with it. We've been over this many times. You should have set the TV to the way you wanted then forgotten about it. It would then be a non-issue. 

[saddaniels]

You're exactly right. It's hard for me to see clearly I think, because my exposure USED to be putting the setting on the way I didn't prefer it/like it. Now, it's like I need to choose a setting, even if it seems precise, on point, or just "too right".

I get so brain scattered by the fact that it's okay to choose something, no matter if its the way I like something, I'm still entitled to a preference. I don't need to be exposed to the opposite of what I like forever, like you said PolarBear, that just seems like torture, if it is something as small as a TV setting/preference.

My logic is that exposures should be permanent. I also get tricked by having an attention to detail as being OCD. Back me up, but I don't think attention to detail, taking a "perfectionist" approach means OCD. I think OCD is when you do compulsion after compulsion after compulsion around something, kinda like im doing with my therapy.

Again, it's a tricky game because before I would expose myself to a setting I didn't prefer, but now I should expose myself to a setting I prefer. It just seems bizarre that this is the way I'm going to have to extinguish OCD of its power. Even my therapist thinks it is a bit odd.

Edited December 12, 2016 by saddaniels

[taurean]

PB is right. 

You set the TV how you want it - then when the OCD says another setting, you expose on that thought but leave the setting how you want it. 

 

[saddaniels]

I worry about this particular case because it's not like the previous one where I could pick from 720p or 1080p resolution setting. This one involves looking at the screen and adjusting it by zooming in &out until the internal screen becomes lined up with my physical television screen. Most people would probably approximate and get it as close as they could without paying attention to see if it's exactly lined up. Me, I look at the corners of the screen and adjust it until they line up exactly, to the best that my human eye can see.

Now, I think I must be a freak, weird , particular, or worse, the means I'm giving into OCD because I have this much attention to detail. About a year ago, I would go back and check and check and check to make sure it was lined up exactly, countless times.

But this time is different, I notice I do my own weird thing of lining it up exactly based on how the screen looks. I pay close attention to if it has gone over the edge or not. Afterwards, I don't have the urge to want to go back and check the screen, I have the urge to set the screen a little off, because I think my one time of paying close attention to how it is aligned means im participating in OCD. It's really hard to tell what is OCD and what isn't.

 

This time is hard because yea, people set their TVs to the way they prefer with resolution settings, etc. But do they go as far to play close attention to detail when calibrating & aligning their screen? And because I do that, does this make me weird & even worse, does this make it OCD to pay that close of attention.

This hurts. If I take a step back and look at all of this, I truly do not care what setting the tv is one. I just want to watch the tv. Doesn't matter. The scary part is, I have to make a choice, and how to make a choice, I don't know because I'm afraid I'll be doing a compulsion, therefore participating in ocd. It's a mess and I'm at a loss for what to do in the moment.

Edited December 13, 2016 by saddaniels

[taurean]

It's only a mess because of your obsession to have it just right. 

Start accepting it when not perfectly lined up, live with the anxiety telling yourself it matters not on jot. 

[saddaniels]

I don't care if it lines up perfectly or not. i've accepted that i can watch the TV either way. my question is do I need to set it off from my being too on point with the setting/the way i like it. this isn't about the electronics anymore, this is about me wanting to make a choice, even if it is an "anal retentive" choice or an attention to detail choice. 

Edited December 13, 2016 by saddaniels

[taurean]

1 minute ago, saddaniels said:

I don't care if it lines up perfectly or not.

Then that's your answer and stick with it. 

[saddaniels]

I'm afraid that when I made my decision that I was too precise with that decision, THAT is what is driving me up the wall. So now I feel I must make it off on purpose to be doing things right. But I think my exposure should be to sit with that maybe my first decision was too precise, so what? Honestly, I don't know what direction to go in. I'm becoming hopeless.

Edited December 13, 2016 by saddaniels

[taurean]

Don't do anything, sit with that anxiety using the exposure exercise as I said before.

[saddaniels]

which exposure exercise??

[saddaniels]

I feel like I made a huge mistake by being too detail-oriented when I made my first decision on how I wanted the screen calibrated to my television screen. I feel like being too detail-oriented in that decision has screwed everything up. I can't help that I like it that way. I can't help that I payed close attention the first time. Does this mean I should now switch things up, make things off a little to expose myself? The thing is, I would be fine making it off a little bit.

Edited December 13, 2016 by saddaniels

[saddaniels]

I feel like this time is different because when I made my first decision. PS: I want to point out that I have not been back to change anything on the TV after my first decision. I feel like my first decision was too knit picky, too "OCD" because I will confess that I took some time to look and determine if it was aligned as properly as i could make it. Now, I think this is OCD, so I feel like I need to make things a little off.

However, again, its not the TV I'm really obsessing about now. Its the therapy. The TV could be on whatever setting. I really don't care. What I do care about is being allowed to make a choice, no matter how knit picky or attention to detail that choice may be. But being knit picky and having that deep of attention to detail makes me think that my one time decision is OCD. Am I making any sense at all?

[taurean]

2 hours ago, taurean said:

Don't do anything, sit with that anxiety using the exposure exercise as I said before.

 

2 hours ago, taurean said:

Start accepting it when not perfectly lined up, live with the anxiety. Just tell yourself it matters not one jot. 

 

[PolarBear]

12 hours ago, saddaniels said:

I'm afraid that when I made my decision that I was too precise with that decision, THAT is what is driving me up the wall. So now I feel I must make it off on purpose to be doing things right. But I think my exposure should be to sit with that maybe my first decision was too precise, so what? Honestly, I don't know what direction to go in. I'm becoming hopeless.

There's that word exposure again. You have it in your head that you have to expose yourself every time you make a decision. That's simply not true. There is no requirement to do ERP here.

So you're anal retentive. So you like things set just so. So what? Do it and move on. Doing so has nothing to do with OCD. Now if you did it repeatedly you'd have a problem. But setting it right once is no big deal.

 

[saddaniels]

I'm just so on guard for me messing up and doing a compulsion, that me thinking about messing up & doing a compulsion has become the compulsion itself. I feel like I need to give myself a little leeway. I have OCD. That is true. And I may perform compulsions once in awhile. Maybe it needs to be okay not to be 100% perfect when it comes to keeping my illness under control. Maybe a compulsion or two, or heck, I'll go as far as three is acceptable because I have a disorder where I'm bound to slip and perform the occasional compulsion. Now, this ruminating that I'm doing is out of control. Its like a million compulsions happening in my brain when I'm sitting here worrying about slipping up and performing a compulsion or two. 

This might sound odd, but PolarBear, would you say its okay to do the occasional compulsion, the occasional double-checking as long as it doesn't interfere with my day? I thought about this recently and I'm never going to be 100% OCD free, so this also means I'm never going to be 100% compulsion free. Am I making sense? And even when I double-check sometimes, or perform a few compulsions, this does not mean an exposure is warranted to compensate for these few compulsions.

Edited December 14, 2016 by saddaniels

[paradoxer]

Expect this to be a looong thread. 

[saddaniels]

paradoxer, i'm trying to get my life back together and i'm trying not to let therapy get the best of me, although it already has. i'm trying to get out of this mess and its hard for me to accept that slipping up, performing a compulsion & not having to do an exposure is actually acceptable. 

I'm trying to get back on track, but i've recently been slipping pretty hard. 

[taurean]

You are analysing everything, making 2 + 2 = 5, overthinking. 

When we try and stop compulsing, it can be a slow progress, and we slip. That is no time to analyse ask for reassurance query - just simply note it and move on. 

We don't punish ourselves if we slip, don't beat ourselves up - we need to take anger out of it and just see a slip and then keep going .

We told you what to do - and sit with anxiety. If you made another change, go back to the setting yoy like and sit it out again. You look to keep extending the period of resistance until you have no desire to change any more. 

And all this time, you must get distracted away from analysing comparing etc.

So if you start on this path, however much compulsive urge you feel,  and build up the resistance gradually, you can come unstuck. 

I will shortly be leaving the thread ; it's always up to the sufferer to do the necessary work. 

Edited December 14, 2016 by taurean
amendment

[snowbear]

3 hours ago, saddaniels said:

I'm never going to be 100% OCD free, so this also means I'm never going to be 100% compulsion free.

Why not? If you only aim for partial relief then partial relief is the best you can hope for. Aim higher.

Take note that there's a big difference between allowing yourself to do a few compulsions in the belief it doesn't matter and being kind to yourself when you try and don't succeed. 

The first invariably leads to the compulsions taking over again (trying to manage OCD and contain OCD is far, far harder than working to overcome it.) It's a downward spiral.  

Being kind to yourself when you've tried to resist a compulsion and failed means you don't wear yourself out with useless recriminations but save your energy to try again next opportunity you get. That's how you build experience and confidence that you can and will eventually succeed.  

[saddaniels]

7 hours ago, snowbear said:

Why not? If you only aim for partial relief then partial relief is the best you can hope for. Aim higher.

What I mean is that, going back to a couple of the original posts, when I set my TV how I like it, I do this thing where I zoom in & out of the screen a couple times on the edges until I'm able to see that it lines up how I like it. I'm wondering if this counts as a second compulsion, or as PolarBears said, counts as one time. This is where I'm getting stuck. Yes, even if I didn't zoom in & out a couple times, the TV screen would still work fine, but I don't want to not do that, for the fear that would be giving into the bigger compulsion of exposing myself on purpose & willingly to a setting I don't care for, even if it is minimal and doesn't matter in the scheme of things. 

So basically, my question is, is it harmful to do a couple compulsions compared to hundreds of them? This is where I'm getting tripped. In my head, I ruminate and ruminate, endlessly over what might be a couple compulsions in the external world and what might just be double checking. Yes, eventually, I want to not care altogether. But, I'm still at this, and perhaps, it would be healthy to accept that I'm not going to be 100% cured of OCD. What is important though is that I may eventually be able to manage it, even if this means doing a compulsion on occasion. The key is to not beat myself up and not automatically go toward performing an "exposure".

Edited December 14, 2016 by saddaniels

[saddaniels]

7 hours ago, snowbear said:

Being kind to yourself when you've tried to resist a compulsion and failed means you don't wear yourself out with useless recriminations but save your energy to try again next opportunity you get. That's how you build experience and confidence that you can and will eventually succeed.  

Snowbear, when you say recriminations, for me would that mean automatically feeling I need to do an exposure after performing a compulsion & trying to stray from exposing myself when I find myself doing a couple compulsions? Also, I take it would mean not trying to figure everything out in my head so hard about what it means to my treatment process that I've just done a couple compulsions.

Edited December 14, 2016 by saddaniels

[PolarBear]

13 hours ago, saddaniels said:

This might sound odd, but PolarBear, would you say its okay to do the occasional compulsion, the occasional double-checking as long as it doesn't interfere with my day? I thought about this recently and I'm never going to be 100% OCD free, so this also means I'm never going to be 100% compulsion free. Am I making sense? And even when I double-check sometimes, or perform a few compulsions, this does not mean an exposure is warranted to compensate for these few compulsions.

Correct. Look, no one is perfect. Anyone on the road to recovery is going to do some compulsions. It's not like they stop cold turkey and never do a compulsion again. That's unrealistic. You're going to slip up, probably many times. And that's okay. It's not going to ruin your recovery. You don't have to be perfect. You're not perfect. No one is. And yet people recover from OCD. I did.

And nowhere is it written that you have to do an exposure because you just did a compulsion. Nowhere. I'm sure you were never taught that in therapy. I've never seen it in a book or on a website. That's your own belief that has been twisted because of your relentless ruminating. Exposures are not done after doing compulsions. You already did the compulsion; you can't cancel it out with an exposure.

[PolarBear]

2 hours ago, saddaniels said:

What I mean is that, going back to a couple of the original posts, when I set my TV how I like it, I do this thing where I zoom in & out of the screen a couple times on the edges until I'm able to see that it lines up how I like it. I'm wondering if this counts as a second compulsion, or as PolarBears said, counts as one time. This is where I'm getting stuck. Yes, even if I didn't zoom in & out a couple times, the TV screen would still work fine, but I don't want to not do that, for the fear that would be giving into the bigger compulsion of exposing myself on purpose & willingly to a setting I don't care for, even if it is minimal and doesn't matter in the scheme of things. 

So basically, my question is, is it harmful to do a couple compulsions compared to hundreds of them? This is where I'm getting tripped. In my head, I ruminate and ruminate, endlessly over what might be a couple compulsions in the external world and what might just be double checking. Yes, eventually, I want to not care altogether. But, I'm still at this, and perhaps, it would be healthy to accept that I'm not going to be 100% cured of OCD. What is important though is that I may eventually be able to manage it, even if this means doing a compulsion on occasion. The key is to not beat myself up and not automatically go toward performing an "exposure".

Is zooming in and out on your TV a compulsion or is it you just being fussy about the way things are? In order for it to be a compulsion there must have been an intrusive thought that causes distress first. You can't have a compulsion without a corresponding obsession coming first. I think you're just fussy about some things and you're confusing that with doing compulsions.

[taurean]

Great response and explanation PB. 

So Daniels you don't need to beat yourself up if you slip, you can ease the pressure on yourself and, like my earlier post, gradually break the chains that bind you.