Exhausted coping with 12 year old with OCD, help

[Guest mumof4]

Hi,

I've seen lots of posts about how to 'manage' OCD but need a boost to push me through 'coping' with what's going on.  I have 4 children under 12 and am having to focus most evenings on my 12 year old for an hour or more dealing with whatever he happens to  manifest at that time.  It is exhausting and I don't know how I'm going to manage to keep going with this.

His main issue is finding things dirty - which means he is feeling anxious - he will only eat certain things, at times wants me or siblings out of the room  / house because we are making him dirty, wants to empty his room because feels dirty, has to shower each night before getting in to bed, has started counting grains of rice to eat to make sure he has a 'good' number, wants to purchase the same shopping basket full as previously etc.  If these things don't work out right for him then he keeps on, noticing a difference in gaps on doors or wanting a screwdriver to turn the screw head round in sockets so they are facing the same way.  Mainly also he has been unable to manage more than about 3 lesson in school for the last 6 weeks, he says certain lessons make him feel dirty

Triggers

This 'bout' of OCD was brought on from some verbal and physical abuse from his father (no out of the house) about 6 weeks ago.  Prior to this he was thriving at secondary school and not anxious about attending at all. Tho he always has needed a shower to go to bed and used to display more but it had 'calmed'.  I have a CAMHS apt coming up as he finally got referred after me having to call an ambulance when he was out and wanted to just 'walk into the road' to make his feelings better.  Defo stress causes his OCD and he has displayed signs for the last couple of years.

Help

I don't know how I can keep managing this all though.  I just need somewhere to vent the hell that it is causing.  My poor boy needs love, he can also be really difficult and I have 3 others to look after.  It feels like having a new born again, when you can never plan quite how much sleep you will have or how an evening will go.  I don't get much respite as he is off school and often wants to come and sleep in with me and since hospital has not wanted to be left on his own.

I just need a massive hug and advice from anyone that gets this.........

Thanks

 

[PolarBear]

Hi mum and welcome to the forum.

I feel for you. Having to deal with a child with OCD can be a terrible thing to go through. His demands profoundly affect you and his siblings.

Your son can get better but it's going to be an uphill battle. First and foremost you need to get him into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is the gold standard treatment for OCD. He will learn that he doesn't have to do his compulsions to feel good. Over time he'll be encouraged to delay and stop his compulsions. As the mom, you need to be his advocate and really stress to the mental health professionals that this is a bad situation you are all in and that he needs help soon. Be tough on his behalf. Delays for therapy are inevitable but do not stop stressing how much your son's behavior is affecting the household.

In the mean time, get yourself a good book on OCD. I suggest Break Free From OCD. Learn about OCD. The more you understand the disorder the more you will be able to help your son in the future.

Good luck to you. Things can get better.

[Mrs porter]

On 20 December 2016 at 17:29, mumof4 said:

Hi,

I've seen lots of posts about how to 'manage' OCD but need a boost to push me through 'coping' with what's going on.  I have 4 children under 12 and am having to focus most evenings on my 12 year old for an hour or more dealing with whatever he happens to  manifest at that time.  It is exhausting and I don't know how I'm going to manage to keep going with this.

His main issue is finding things dirty - which means he is feeling anxious - he will only eat certain things, at times wants me or siblings out of the room  / house because we are making him dirty, wants to empty his room because feels dirty, has to shower each night before getting in to bed, has started counting grains of rice to eat to make sure he has a 'good' number, wants to purchase the same shopping basket full as previously etc.  If these things don't work out right for him then he keeps on, noticing a difference in gaps on doors or wanting a screwdriver to turn the screw head round in sockets so they are facing the same way.  Mainly also he has been unable to manage more than about 3 lesson in school for the last 6 weeks, he says certain lessons make him feel dirty

Triggers

This 'bout' of OCD was brought on from some verbal and physical abuse from his father (no out of the house) about 6 weeks ago.  Prior to this he was thriving at secondary school and not anxious about attending at all. Tho he always has needed a shower to go to bed and used to display more but it had 'calmed'.  I have a CAMHS apt coming up as he finally got referred after me having to call an ambulance when he was out and wanted to just 'walk into the road' to make his feelings better.  Defo stress causes his OCD and he has displayed signs for the last couple of years.

Help

I don't know how I can keep managing this all though.  I just need somewhere to vent the hell that it is causing.  My poor boy needs love, he can also be really difficult and I have 3 others to look after.  It feels like having a new born again, when you can never plan quite how much sleep you will have or how an evening will go.  I don't get much respite as he is off school and often wants to come and sleep in with me and since hospital has not wanted to be left on his own.

I just need a massive hug and advice from anyone that gets this.........

Thanks

 

Hi I know how you feel. I'm going through it with my daughter. She has just turned 13. She hasn't been to school since september. And she is with me constantly. I myself feel like I'm looking after a 2 year old again. My life's on hold as I can't do anything on my own or go anywhere. All my time is on my daughter. plus I have a 7 year old. and he loses out as we can't go anywhere as a family because of her illness. Can't do the fun things we used to do. So at the minute it's affecting me badly as I've been feeling depressed because of whats happening. Ive exploded a few times on family members. As I'm so frustrated. Everyone keeps telling me to go the doctors but I don't want to be prescribed tablets. We're starting family therapy at the end of January so I hope that helps. It's hard trying to be strong when your really crumbling inside. So I do know how you feel I hope you get your son sorted soon 

[Bobble]

Hi

I don't have much advice I'm afraid, but have just joined this forum today and wanted you to know I'm going through the same thing with my 12 year old.  

If you ever want to just vent, feel free. 

[Mrs porter]

Hi welcome. My daughter started her first therapy session lastweek. Goes once a week. All I can say is it went really well. I'm feeling really positive now. 

[mrscoco]

Hi - just wanted to add my bit and support - my daughter is 13 - i have not been on this board for a while.  My daugher has ocd as well as being on the autistic spectrum - i would never have known she was asd we just thought it was ocd and rigid routines etc - however because her younger brother is on the spectrum she got diagnosed too as having traits.  I find the obsessions are always there just sometimes they blow up and rock everything!!! My daughter used to confess everything to me as a compulsion which thankfully has phased out but now she is obsessed with being perfect, but she literally has to do routines and EVERYTHING takes ages and ages from doing her books for the next day to showering to brushing her hair, its a nightmare and just recently this has manifested into doing a mental compulsion in her head until she feels just right...pretty unerving....tonight she was just sitting on the bathroom floor, unable to get in the shower until everything felt perfect in her head........i am here with you guys  and i especially understand how you just have no certainty - tonight i have no idea when she is going to sleep, she is up in her bed but i keep hear her getting out and im just praying she does not come down.  We have councilling too again on wednesday after having a break. She has never wanted to open up and admit she has ocd but we have had a little talk after tonight and im praying she will on Wednesdsay.  I have been on so many forums and  believe me when i say there are SOOOO many kids and parents out there struggling although it does feel like you are the only ones and feels so lonely and isolationg

[Mrs porter]

Hi my daughter struggles getting asleep also. As it's the intrusive thoughts what's in her head .most nights she only gets to sleep at 1 am. Thing is she will not tell me these thoughts. Ive tried numerous times but she won't tell. She just asks does it make her a bad person having bad thoughts. It's such a shame I just want my daughter back. She's a different child because of this illness. I can't watch videos of her or look at pictures of her before this illness as it really upsets me to look. It's such a shame x

[Mrs porter]

Hi again Mrscoco what was your daughters symptoms on being autistic. ?As I have always thought that my daughter may have something like that Aswell but never been assessed thanks 

[mrscoco]

Hi so basically my son was diagnosed age 5 a he was very hyper. Totally different to my daughter. We didn't really start to notice anything with her until about age 9 or 10 other than her being very shy and lots of anxieties and phobias about being sick and 'ruining the day' and upsetting me. Then the obsession with her bedroom kicked in and all her rigid black and white behaviours and ways of doing things and routines etc... I could write a book!  I known what ocd feels like I've always had the obsessive thoughts myself and after having my son had my own bout of pure o type ocd that really took me down but I beat it on my own and really believe I was meant to go through that for a reason...I have a lot of knowledge although I am working so hard on my daughter it feels like mission impossible two steps forward and two steps back etc.... find my therapy is chatting to other parents going through similar and helping each other just by understanding...it is possible to recover and live normal happy life's but our kids are so young and their brains have to develop to be able to use the logical cognitive part.

[mrscoco]

I'm hoping my daughter is ready to address the ocd with therapist tommorrow as she has never wanted to.admit the ocd word until last night. Autism on girls often goes undiagnosed they mask so well no.one would ever suspect a thing they look ' normal' their brains work differently that's all ....I.believe asd, adhd, ocd, anorexia all come under same spectrum just how it affects individual etc it's subjective there's no blood test, what one doctor says another may say something else trust me when I say there is soooooo much of it out there in this day and age soo many families going through this...hard to see when you are stuck in your own bubble xx  

[Mrs porter]

Hi again my daughter has always been shy since the age of 3 but I really thought she wud of outgrown the shyness by now but she seems worse. Even family members she won't speak to or friends parents what she's know. Since primary. And she has always struggled with school work . Going in small groups for extra help in primary and high school. The simplest of questions in school what a 6 year old could do she can't. Finds it hard to sink in and understand but never been assessed or anything. It has crossed my mind loads of times that it can't be right. X

[Mrs porter]

Let us know how the therapy goes x

[mrscoco]

have a look at this link - http://thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

The lady who runs this company is asd herself - her work is brilliant - i follow her on facebook - see if any of this rings true for your daugher

also any of the work by Tony Attwood about autism in girls - its totally different to the stereo type of autism and boys etc - many many girls are being failed because they simply fly under the radar - i belive  many of todays issues are caused by a lack of understanding and most of these girls presenting with anxiety/ocd and strange behaviours are actually autistic or there or there abouts.....i totally see it in myself too

https://iancommunity.org/cs/simons_simplex_community/autism_in_girls

[mrscoco]

by the way my daughter basically hides in her room when anyone comes to the house these days - worse if they have kids and then there is the treat of them coming upstairs near her bedroom - xmas day she sat upstairs in the office eating her xmas dinner as would not sit the table with us as the demand was just too much for her anxiety.

[Mrs porter]

Thanks I will have a look. Sometimes my daughter does that.  Such a shame for them.

[mrscoco]

2 hours ago, Mrs porter said:

Thanks I will have a look. Sometimes my daughter does that.  Such a shame for them.

Not having a good night here at all. She couldn't do her bag for school the way she wanted so she melted down and it's still going on she can't move on or.move past it.

[Mrs porter]

Aw no!! You just have to try and talk to her and reassure her. That's what I do with my daughter.

[mrscoco]

Yeah she's going to bed in a min.hopefully she's eating some food at the moment as she always really hungry once she's feeling better.....phew zzzzz lets hope she gets to sleep ok. Hope all.O.k. your end? 

[Mrs porter]

Aw fingers crossed. Yeh were fine . Thanks

[Dawn]

Hi my son was diagnosed in October with ocd he has thoughts he will go to hell if he doesn't do certain compulsions he goes out late at night because he feels like he has to go and kick his ball on the park ,goes the toilet and forces himself to try and open his bowels never gets to bed before midnight and is so tired in the morning I am so worn out he is 15 years old and can never be ready on time for school which is making me late for work I am so stressed at the minute and just can't convince him that these are only thoughts . He has always been a really good boy and I am really proud of him but this is breaking my heart watching him suffer like this he is attending camhs but has had a lot of cancelled appointments due to his councillor having holidays and meetings. Would be really grateful for any advice.

 

[Dawn]

Just now, Dawn said:

Hi my son was diagnosed in October with ocd he has thoughts he will go to hell if he doesn't do certain compulsions he goes out late at night because he feels like he has to go and kick his ball on the park ,goes the toilet and forces himself to try and open his bowels never gets to bed before midnight and is so tired in the morning I am so worn out he is 15 years old and can never be ready on time for school which is making me late for work I am so stressed at the minute and just can't convince him that these are only thoughts . He has always been a really good boy and I am really proud of him but this is breaking my heart watching him suffer like this he is attending camhs but has had a lot of cancelled appointments due to his councillor having holidays and meetings. Would be really grateful for any advice.

 

 

[Mrs porter]

Hi dawn I know what your going through its horrendous my daughter attends Camhs every week shes had three sessions so far. we just take each day as it comes. It's an up hill struggle. Somedays we can go one step forward then 5 steps back. So I realise it's gonna be like this a lot. But I'm like you I keep telling her there just thoughts. But i can't get through to her. It's heartbreaking. You just have to keep reassuring them. And be there when there ready to open up or need a cuddle that's all you can do. 

[PolarBear]

Hi Dawn. Is your son in treatment?