Scared

[BelAnna]

Hi Everyone,

I've not been on the forum for a while. I had a tricky 2016- it seemed to fly past in a wave of anxiety.

I made a very stupid decision to leave uni and bought a lovely Golden Retriever puppy, which I thought would help when I was feeling low. However I have developed general anxiety/OCD about my puppy. I know that might sound silly but she's been seriously ill this year- she had to have heart and lung investigations at a specialist vet hospital and treatment for a lung condition and has had a number of infections too, including one in the past week. I have also just lost my pet cat who was an amazing companion to me throughout my OCD years so I'm even more anxious at the moment and terrified of losing my dog and members of my family. 

I feel a huge sense of responsibility for the welfare of my puppy and at the moment I'm freaking out because I think she may have swallowed a sock earlier today. This might sound really funny to a non-dog owner but it might require major surgery and I'm in a huge panic.The Vet has said to watch for signs of intestinal blockage- I can't drive and my family didn't want to take our puppy to the vet and traumatize her yet again so she wasn't seen within the first two hours of swallowing it so they can't make her vomit it up.

The thing is she is always swallowing things and I'm so often in a severe anxiety state over it. I am very scared she could become seriously ill again. She also has had recent episodes of blue tongue with vomiting and the Vet recently found that she has a high white blood cell count, which might just be due to an infection but our whole family has been (and I still am) scared that she might have cancer. 

It feels like a bit of a nightmare and has made me question whether I could ever cope with having kids because i'm so scared of being responsible for harm coming to my puppy so I imagine it would be 1000x worse with a baby. 

My life is in pieces apart from this at the moment (i.e. no friends, no boyfriend, no job, no studies, no hobbies, difficulty going out etc.) so I'm sure all that doesn't help! 

Does anyone else have OCD about their pets? or relate? 

I just need to talk to someone as I am really not coping well at the moment.

Bella xx

Edited January 4, 2017 by BelAnna

[AttemptingToHeal]

I do not have a pet, but if I did I'm sure I'd react this way to it. It sounds like classic OCD, there's something you care about greatly, so the OCD makes you constantly worry about it, doubt that you've done things properly, and make you constantly check what's going on. Although obviously the sickness of a loved member of the family is a massive concern, so there's no wonder you feel bad about it, feeling a degree of worry about this would be normal for anyone.

You mention you have no-one to talk to and nothing to do. That won't help as all your free time can be dedicated to OCD getting more of a grip on you. Is it possible to attend local events to meet people? Go on a dating website (if only to laugh at the ridiculous messages women get sent on there by creeps)? Also you can make your own studies. Think of something you're interested in (please steer clear of dog related research as that would be more OCD related) and research it. Maybe find a hobby associated with it? Schedule times in your day when you do activities, this will take your mind off the thoughts and give you something to do. Hobbies don't need to be hard or expensive, for example you can play games or do crosswords online. Is there something you're passionate about?

What worries me is that the things you mention fall in to the categories of having no self-validation, no mental stimulus, and no social connection. Those things can help depression take hold of you, and with your current worries and OCD it's probably even more likely. See this link for some tips on avoiding depression http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/dealing-with-depression.aspx. I'm not saying you're going to get depression, I'm just saying that it's a possibility, so you need to keep yourself healthy to avoid any further things.

[AttemptingToHeal]

Oh and of course I think I speak for the others when I say we're all here for you to talk to.

Edited January 5, 2017 by AttemptingToHeal

[BelAnna]

Thank you so much Attempting to heal. You're definitely right that I have no social contact, mental stimuli or self-validation at the moment. My social anxiety makes it very difficult and I feel stranded in my home town especially as my old friends have moved cities and moved on.

I feel so stuck and so awful. 

I would be worrying about my puppy even if everything in my life was OK but my life situation combined with the fact I'm also living with a dementia sufferer are definitely affecting my ocd. 

Thanks for the good ideas- I will try to make my own little to timetable of activities.

 

[legalseagull]

My OCD is mostly vomit related but I do have a lot of worries about my two cats. Every time they go out I worry about them, I love them so much. We both need to focus on enjoying what our animals bring to our lives instead of constantly worrying that something bad might happen. Easier said than done I know.

You have a potentially real worry about your dog at the moment. I really hope she's ok. All you can do is monitor the situation. Whatever happens you will cope with it.

I agree with ATH. Find some activities that you enjoy doing, try new things. I'm sure I remember from your old posts that you like running? January is a good time to get involved in sport as a lot of councils start up running groups and other activities. In my area we have 'Back to netball, football, whatever'... and friendly running groups. These are all cheap, open to anyone and fun.  It sounds like you're in a rut at the moment but nothing will change unless you make it. Take a few small steps and anything could happen!

[AttemptingToHeal]

4 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I'm also living with a dementia sufferer

Do you get help with looking after this person in your home? I'm pretty sure the council, social services, the NHS or someone offer in house support for this sort of thing. Especially if it's effecting your mental health.

[BelAnna]

Thanks so much for the replies. 

Attempting to Heal, thanks for your thoughtful messages. No, no help but I live with family so there are a few of us taking turns caring for her- she's got Vascular Dementia and has had it for 9 years with two heart attacks, a stroke and transient ischemic attacks- she is physically disabled, has continence issues, needs feeding and is in hospital 2-3x per year but social services only offered to provide carers twice a day for 20 minutes, which is rubbish as she needs constant attendance. The situation has been very stressful for years. 

I hope your OCD is manageable at the moment?

 

Legalseagull, good to hear from you! I wondered if there were any of the same people/forum users. Thanks for caring too. It sounds like you have a similar situation with your cats- I guess it is just because we care. I think that losing my cat just before Christmas has definitely made things worse (then my Aunt came over and said she had norovirus, which made me freak out massively- emetophobia is awful isn't it?). 

Sophie (my dog) just threw up after a walk and that sent me into a panic. I'm ok about pet sick, just scared that she might very ill. Thanks for remembering about the running!- I do still run regularly but with my social anxiety I'm not sure if I could join a running group at the moment. How are you getting on OCD/emet wise? 

 

 

 

 

[BelAnna]

On 1/5/2017 at 02:11, AttemptingToHeal said:

I do not have a pet, but if I did I'm sure I'd react this way to it. It sounds like classic OCD, there's something you care about greatly, so the OCD makes you constantly worry about it, doubt that you've done things properly, and make you constantly check what's going on. Although obviously the sickness of a loved member of the family is a massive concern, so there's no wonder you feel bad about it, feeling a degree of worry about this would be normal for anyone.

You mention you have no-one to talk to and nothing to do. That won't help as all your free time can be dedicated to OCD getting more of a grip on you. Is it possible to attend local events to meet people? Go on a dating website (if only to laugh at the ridiculous messages women get sent on there by creeps)? Also you can make your own studies. Think of something you're interested in (please steer clear of dog related research as that would be more OCD related) and research it. Maybe find a hobby associated with it? Schedule times in your day when you do activities, this will take your mind off the thoughts and give you something to do. Hobbies don't need to be hard or expensive, for example you can play games or do crosswords online. Is there something you're passionate about?

What worries me is that the things you mention fall in to the categories of having no self-validation, no mental stimulus, and no social connection. Those things can help depression take hold of you, and with your current worries and OCD it's probably even more likely. See this link for some tips on avoiding depression http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/dealing-with-depression.aspx. I'm not saying you're going to get depression, I'm just saying that it's a possibility, so you need to keep yourself healthy to avoid any further things.

 

On 1/5/2017 at 13:52, legalseagull said:

My OCD is mostly vomit related but I do have a lot of worries about my two cats. Every time they go out I worry about them, I love them so much. We both need to focus on enjoying what our animals bring to our lives instead of constantly worrying that something bad might happen. Easier said than done I know.

You have a potentially real worry about your dog at the moment. I really hope she's ok. All you can do is monitor the situation. Whatever happens you will cope with it.

I agree with ATH. Find some activities that you enjoy doing, try new things. I'm sure I remember from your old posts that you like running? January is a good time to get involved in sport as a lot of councils start up running groups and other activities. In my area we have 'Back to netball, football, whatever'... and friendly running groups. These are all cheap, open to anyone and fun.  It sounds like you're in a rut at the moment but nothing will change unless you make it. Take a few small steps and anything could happen!

Sorry replied above but forgot to quote.x

[AttemptingToHeal]

2 hours ago, BelAnna said:

twice a day for 20 minutes

What the heck use is that? They sound like an absolutely rubbish service.

2 hours ago, BelAnna said:

I hope your OCD is manageable at the moment?

Well it's manageable in the sense that I can eat and occasionally do some things to distract myself, Fortunately I'm under the care of emergency response teams from the NHS, so they're offering me the help I need. Plus I have legal drugs, drugs are good! So I'd say in theory I am getting some help with that

[Jack Russell]

Sorry to hear about your dog, what you are going through is perfectly normal when you care about a pet. I lost my dog just before Christmas so I know how it feels to lose a companion.

You can only do your best and try not to leave anything laying around, but puppies will be puppies and chew everything they can.

You probably already have, but just get her plenty of safe dog toys, so she doesn't need to go looking. 

Good luck, I hope your anxiety settles dowm.

 

[snowbear]

BelAnna, I agree with AttemptingToHeal that the offer of help for 20 minutes twice a day isn't much of a break, even if there are several family members taking it in turns.  

This isn't the place to discuss non-OCD issues but in this case I do feel the lack of support you're getting to care for your relative with dementia is probably having a negative impact on your OCD. I think your therapist/doctor should be considering whatever help you need as a carer to be part of the overall package for treating your OCD.

Check out this link for the Alzheimer's Society website, 'advice for carers' page. There are contact details for places that offer support further down the page, and if/when your OCD is up to it why not check with the society if there's a support group for carers in your area too?

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=119

[BelAnna]

4 hours ago, AttemptingToHeal said:

What the heck use is that? They sound like an absolutely rubbish service.

Well it's manageable in the sense that I can eat and occasionally do some things to distract myself, Fortunately I'm under the care of emergency response teams from the NHS, so they're offering me the help I need. Plus I have legal drugs, drugs are good! So I'd say in theory I am getting some help with that

Oh that's really good that you're getting help but it does sound like you're having a very difficult time just now. Haha, also good that the 'drugs' are helping- I haven't had much luck with them! I hope you've had an okay day today. Thanks so much for your support! Also yes, the dementia care they'd provide is completely inadequate!

1 hour ago, snowbear said:

BelAnna, I agree with AttemptingToHeal that the offer of help for 20 minutes twice a day isn't much of a break, even if there are several family members taking it in turns.  

This isn't the place to discuss non-OCD issues but in this case I do feel the lack of support you're getting to care for your relative with dementia is probably having a negative impact on your OCD. I think your therapist/doctor should be considering whatever help you need as a carer to be part of the overall package for treating your OCD.

Check out this link for the Alzheimer's Society website, 'advice for carers' page. There are contact details for places that offer support further down the page, and if/when your OCD is up to it why not check with the society if there's a support group for carers in your area too?

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/documents_info.php?documentID=119

Thanks Snowbear, yes the whole situation does feed my OCD and has done for several years. I do have appointments with a social worker who is willing to help me apply for accommodation elsewhere however there are downsides to that too. I'm sure having less overwhelming stress in my life would help me to get a handle on the OCD. Thanks for the link too. I hope you're ok at the moment. Thanks for your help.

[Marko2020]

You do have friends, you have all of us and if you ever just wanna chat I'm always free. OCD goes for the closest people to you, always remember that as it wants you to be alone and wants you to feel lonely. I lost a lot of people because I let it win and stayed inside and gave up stuff to have a quiet life or I thought lol. It never gives up, soon as you give in it starts on something else and since you have in also gives it ammo. 

[daja]

*hugs BelAnna*

[legalseagull]

BelAnna, it's so hard when an animal dies. I'm sorry to hear about your cat. Just keep an eye on Sophie and if she needs a vet then take her. It can be hard to know if it's necessary or if it's OCD making us overreact.  If you're not sure you could get a second opinion from somebody else who loves your dog, a family member perhaps.

I know joining things is difficult with social anxiety, but it's an issue that needs to be tackled. Treat it in the same way as OCD - think small steps. 

I'm having a bit of a set-back at the moment with my OCD/emet, thanks for asking. Yes it is a horrible thing to deal with and this is the worst time of year. It's causing me a lot of anxiety. Weirdly though I feel quite optimistic that I can beat it and make my life more exciting this year. I guess after 30 years of OCD I'm just bored of it.

[AttemptingToHeal]

On 08/01/2017 at 01:08, Marko2020 said:

I lost a lot of people because I let it win and stayed inside and gave up stuff to have a quiet life or I thought lol. It never gives up, soon as you give in it starts on something else and since you have in also gives it ammo. 

That's what happened to me. I slowly avoided doing all sorts of things and ended up staying in my house doing less and less each day. My intention was to spend time healing myself, but the extra time and lack of distractions just allowed the OCD to take more hold. I ended up being unable to do anything, even walking from one room to another or trying to watch the TV took ages. I stopped eating, drinking water, didn't even get dressed, and that's how I ended up in hospital. To my mind, avoiding things and allowing yourself to withdraw is one of the worst things you can do, don't do that!

[PolarBear]

It can seem like a safety procedure to wall yourself off from the world and all the triggers it holds for you but you end up isolating yourself and guess what? The OCD is still there. It doesn't go away. It goes along for the ride and keeps you company in your isolation.

[Paddy Brown]

Hi Bella,

A similar situation led to my OCD diagnosis, and the development of the progressive side of the condition. The trigger for me was the birth of my daughter, and it is the same as your situation, as I was terrified that my negligence and perceived lack of hygiene would cause my daughter harm. It's tough, because it's a situation, where you feel you can't throw caution to the wind, and confront it. However, you can, but it won't be pleasant.

I did eventually realise that I was no longer trying to protect my daughter, but was trying to protect myself from additional anxiety.

You have to let go, and face the risks in the world. Of course like me, you already know this, and OCD has a habit of stepping in, and setting you back. You will fail multiple times like me, but it can be done, as I have proved, although I never underestimate, or am complacent about this condition.

[HedgehogAtNight]

2 hours ago, PolarBear said:

It can seem like a safety procedure to wall yourself off from the world and all the triggers it holds for you but you end up isolating yourself and guess what? The OCD is still there. It doesn't go away. It goes along for the ride and keeps you company in your isolation.

 Hi PolarBear,

Are you suggesting that isolating oneself can be a safety behaviour of ocd? I never really considered this before - but I am now starting to think it is what is intensifying ocd symptoms and certainly depression.

Im noticing that this cycle can sort of sneak up on you.

I hope you are feeling better about your dog BelAnna and just to say - your certainly not alone. I think any opportunity which allows us to socialise with others in a healthy way can be very important to engage with. I do think it can sometimes feel worse thinking about that than actually doing it. Having a pet is very therapeutic and I think ocd naturally fixates on the things we care about most. Something ive noticed about ocd - the ruminating over problems feels far worse than standing up to them with cbt/erp - even though this in itself is very hard and takes patience.

I hope you get some new opportunities to connect with others in 2017. There may even be meetups for dog walks or volunteering! Some times it helps to make a list of the things you once enjoyed doing, including hobbies, and taking small steps to re-engage

[PolarBear]

Yes, I think isolating yourself is a safety behavior. There can be so many triggers out there in the big world. Even people, loved ones, can be triggers. It's so easy to collapse inward and try to escape but you can't because OCD is inside you, not out there...