Gemzi3 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 ...and I feel a bit lost. This is a new place, because the past few months my OCD has generally been out of control. The first few sessions we have talked about and recognised my hyperesponsibility which had been the main source of most of my upset. The problem is, I feel worse than ever and I don't know if it's because I'm now talking to someone but suddenly my smaller contamination fears have subsided slightly and my most horrible thoughts from years ago are back. Mainly when I was younger and the fear of getting pregnant so I would take pregnancy tests, and worry so much about missing my period I would hit myself in the stomach. A few years later when a friend said she was pregnant and showed my the test I got a roll of anxiety that one time I took one I saw a faint positive line. Maybe by hitting myself in the stomach I killed a baby. Although other ocd thoughts eventually come and go, and the anxiety dwindled, this one has always made me feel terrible. Because it feels so different I wonder if it is actually ocd, I've had enough experiences to know what it usually feels like. Sometimes I think I just don't know how I'm meant to carry on with a normal life and be happy with this fear in me. I don't even know why I would have ever done that to myself so I question my motives. This is one thought that I can't accept the possibility of being a murderer. How can I be happy. Link to comment
c1_jw Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Therapy will make u feel anxious as you are talking about everything. I remember feeling the same. Your therapist will help you challenge anxiety/fear and this will make u anxious but your anxiety levels will come down as u deal with each problem Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 Thanks for replying. I just can't see a state where I can accept this - because accepting it is the possibility of me being a killer. Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 had therapy and my cbt therapist is referring me to a psychiatrist too. I'm not sure how much relevance this holds to my thoughts and if they cant be treated with CBT? Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I used to be, to be honest I can't see anything that will help this feeling. I feel like I just cant be happy Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I always thought I understood it's just a thought until this one where it's not a what if it's more of a "I did do that" so it's more than a thought. I haven't felt this low in such a long time I'm struggling badly to deal with how I'm feeling. I can't accept that I'll never have an answer to my question of did I cause harm ??? Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 This is reassurance, but I find it highly unlikely you hit yourself hard enough to cause a miscarriage. That said, it's in the past and now you will never know. You need to get used to that idea. You will never know. OCD craves certainty but it can't have certainty. You will never be certain. So you have to understand that and you have to live with that. And hopefully during the process you can forgive yourself and get on with your life. One thing is for sure: thinking about this over and over again will not bring you any closure. Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 My therapist pointed out to me today that maybe I'm in a way sabotaging treatment becausr I'm associating getting better with forgiving myself - something I'm not doing yet. Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 It's been such a tough day starting therapy again, it's been years and it's bringing you so much old things that I've been masking. I thought I would feel better for it but I feel worse. The constant going through my mind of why did I even do that? Who does that? How can I keep going in life? It's like every time I feel happy it floods back. Link to comment
seb79 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Keep pushing on, you will get there in the end.You've done well to start therapy. Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I just feel like I'm realising now that it's harder than I've maybe been thinking. I still now don't feel like I can forgive myself Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 10, 2017 Author Share Posted January 10, 2017 I can't learn from it I don't feel like I can be forgiven Link to comment
Wonderer Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Gem, I have had this before and it's truly awful, but the best advice I ever gave myself was "if my friend confided in me that she had done this thing, what would I say?" Every time my response to a friend would be kind, compassionate maybe indifferent, I could probably see what lead up to the situation and see the bigger picture, treat yourself with the same respect and kindness you would show others! U deserve it xx Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Wonderer is wise. It is true. We tend to hold ourselves up to higher standards than ourselves. Would you chastise a friend with the same story or would you let her off the hook? Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 11, 2017 Author Share Posted January 11, 2017 Funny enough my therapist asked me that exact question yesterday and I couldn't answer. For me it's boiled down to the following issues: Looking back this seems to have been my first major OCD trigger/thought. I had a fear of getting pregnant, I didn't actually ever have unprotected sex but when I was younger and you would mess around (rubbing with clothes) and then I had a wet patch on my clothes from the guy. Or I could have easily touched him and touched myself and got pregnant. Anyway I would hit myself in the stomach I guess to try and start my period cramps when I knew I was due, and I would take pregnancy tests too, for reassurance I guess. One time when I took one I think I saw a faint positive pink line which has scared me. I then have massively worried that by hitting myself in the stomach (I say stomach I do mean lower stomach) that I caused a baby to die. I have went over and over if this is possible, and how would I know if I had This has caused huge guilt for me, with a sense of hype responsibility because I'm now so scared of hurting people. I can't seem to sit with the "maybe I did, mabye I didn't" because it's been years and I feel like a killer. Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 11, 2017 Author Share Posted January 11, 2017 I can't accept this possibility Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 11, 2017 Share Posted January 11, 2017 You have to. The alternative is to wallow in guilt for the rest if your life over something that in all likelihood never happened. Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 I really appreciate your replies when sometimes I feel so alone. What can therapy do to help this though? Why do ll my other obsessions subside, and when I think about them months later - they don't cause anxiety- yet this one always does? Why just this one? To me that means something. Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 How come other obsessions I put meaning into eventually subside? I feel like this one doesnt go because there is truth in it Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 12, 2017 Author Share Posted January 12, 2017 It feels so different , like it comes in waves constantly, Im not sure how to live with a guilt this bad Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 12, 2017 Share Posted January 12, 2017 I would say because you haven't yet dealt with it and put it to rest. You keep punishing yourself and that ensures it keeps coming back. Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 13, 2017 Author Share Posted January 13, 2017 On 11/01/2017 at 10:22, Gemzi3 said: Funny enough my therapist asked me that exact question yesterday and I couldn't answer. For me it's boiled down to the following issues: Looking back this seems to have been my first major OCD trigger/thought. I had a fear of getting pregnant, I didn't actually ever have unprotected sex but when I was younger and you would mess around (rubbing with clothes) and then I had a wet patch on my clothes from the guy. Or I could have easily touched him and touched myself and got pregnant. Anyway I would hit myself in the stomach I guess to try and start my period cramps when I knew I was due, and I would take pregnancy tests too, for reassurance I guess. One time when I took one I think I saw a faint positive pink line which has scared me. I then have massively worried that by hitting myself in the stomach (I say stomach I do mean lower stomach) that I caused a baby to die. I have went over and over if this is possible, and how would I know if I had This has caused huge guilt for me, with a sense of hype responsibility because I'm now so scared of hurting people. I can't seem to sit with the "maybe I did, mabye I didn't" because it's been years and I feel like a killer. 2 I can't let go of this I remember a wet patch on my jeans Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 13, 2017 Share Posted January 13, 2017 You can let go of this. You have to tell yourself it's okay, that it's likely nothing happened then make a decision that you're not going to let this rule your life anymore. Forgive yourself and move on while refusing to ruminate over it. That's what you need to do. It can be done but before you let it go you have to want to let it go. Link to comment
Gemzi3 Posted January 14, 2017 Author Share Posted January 14, 2017 You guys are amazing when I'm feeling at the lowest point. Thank you - I know your repeating things I deep down know. Even know after having a lovely day I still will feel that feeling in my stomach when I think about being a killer. When I think ok I never have had unprotected sex but I uses to mess around and remember wet patch on my jeans which would easily have transferred when I went to the loo and fell pregnant, I remember feeling like I did see a faint positive line on a test, that I can't ignore Link to comment
PolarBear Posted January 15, 2017 Share Posted January 15, 2017 You can ignore it. You simply choose to do so. You're hanging onto it out of guilt but your guilt is misguided. What is the point of continuing to punish yourself over something that likely did not happen? Link to comment
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