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So I've Got Therapy Today


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...and I feel a bit lost.

This is a new place, because the past few months my OCD has generally been out of control.

The first few sessions we have talked about and recognised my hyperesponsibility which had been the main source of most of my upset.

The problem is, I feel worse than ever and I don't know if it's because I'm now talking to someone but suddenly my smaller contamination fears have subsided slightly and my most horrible thoughts from years ago are back. Mainly when I was younger and the fear of getting pregnant so I would take pregnancy tests, and worry so much about missing my period I would hit myself in the stomach.

A few years later when a friend said she was pregnant and showed my the test I got a roll of anxiety that one time I took one I saw a faint positive line. Maybe by hitting myself in the stomach I killed a baby.

Although other ocd thoughts eventually come and go, and the anxiety dwindled, this one has always made me feel terrible.

Because it feels so different I wonder if it is actually ocd, I've had enough experiences to know what it usually feels like.

Sometimes I think I just don't know how I'm meant to carry on with a normal life and be happy with this fear in me. I don't even know why I would have ever done that to myself so I question my motives. This is one thought that I can't accept the possibility of being a murderer. How can I be happy.

 

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Therapy will make u feel anxious as you are talking about everything. I remember feeling the same. Your therapist will help you challenge anxiety/fear and this will make u anxious but your anxiety levels will come down as u deal with each problem

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I always thought I understood it's just a thought until this one where it's not a what if it's more of a "I did do that" so it's more than a thought.

 

I haven't felt this low in such a long time I'm struggling badly to deal with how I'm feeling. I can't accept that I'll never have an answer to my question of did I cause harm ???

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This is reassurance, but I find it highly unlikely you hit yourself hard enough to cause a miscarriage. That said, it's in the past and now you will never know. You need to get used to that idea. You will never know. OCD craves certainty but it can't have certainty. You will never be certain. So you have to understand that and you have to live with that. And hopefully during the process you can forgive yourself and get on with your life.

One thing is for sure: thinking about this over and over again will not bring you any closure.

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It's been such a tough day starting therapy again, it's been years and it's bringing you so much old things that I've been masking.

I thought I would feel better for it but I feel worse. 

The constant going through my mind of why did I even do that? Who does that? How can I keep going in life? It's like every time I feel happy it floods back.

 

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Gem, I have had this before and it's truly awful, but the best advice I ever gave myself was "if my friend confided in me that she had done this thing, what would I say?" Every time my response to a friend would be kind, compassionate maybe indifferent, I could probably see what lead up to the situation and see the bigger picture, treat yourself with the same respect and kindness you would show others! U deserve it xx

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Funny enough my therapist asked me that exact question yesterday and I couldn't answer. 

 

For me it's boiled down to the following issues:

 

  • Looking back this seems to have been my first major OCD trigger/thought. I had a fear of getting pregnant, I didn't actually ever have unprotected sex but when I was younger and you would mess around (rubbing with clothes) and then I had a wet patch on my clothes from the guy. Or I could have easily touched him and touched myself and got pregnant. Anyway I would hit myself in the stomach I guess to try and start my period cramps when I knew I was due, and I would take pregnancy tests too, for reassurance I guess. One time when I took one I think I saw a faint positive pink line which has scared me.
  • I then have massively worried that by hitting myself in the stomach (I say stomach I do mean lower stomach) that I caused a baby to die. I have went over and over if this is possible, and how would I know if I had
  • This has caused huge guilt for me, with a sense of hype responsibility because I'm now so scared of hurting people.
  • I can't seem to sit with the "maybe I did, mabye I didn't"  because it's been years and I feel like a killer. 
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I really appreciate your replies when sometimes I feel so alone.

 

What can therapy do to help this though?

 

Why do ll my other obsessions subside, and when I think about them months later - they don't cause anxiety- yet this one always does?  Why just this one? To me that means something. 

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On 11/01/2017 at 10:22, Gemzi3 said:

Funny enough my therapist asked me that exact question yesterday and I couldn't answer. 

 

For me it's boiled down to the following issues:

 

  • Looking back this seems to have been my first major OCD trigger/thought. I had a fear of getting pregnant, I didn't actually ever have unprotected sex but when I was younger and you would mess around (rubbing with clothes) and then I had a wet patch on my clothes from the guy. Or I could have easily touched him and touched myself and got pregnant. Anyway I would hit myself in the stomach I guess to try and start my period cramps when I knew I was due, and I would take pregnancy tests too, for reassurance I guess. One time when I took one I think I saw a faint positive pink line which has scared me.
  • I then have massively worried that by hitting myself in the stomach (I say stomach I do mean lower stomach) that I caused a baby to die. I have went over and over if this is possible, and how would I know if I had
  • This has caused huge guilt for me, with a sense of hype responsibility because I'm now so scared of hurting people.
  • I can't seem to sit with the "maybe I did, mabye I didn't"  because it's been years and I feel like a killer.
2

I can't let go of this

 

I remember a wet patch on my jeans

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You can let go of this. You have to tell yourself it's okay, that it's likely nothing happened then make a decision that you're not going to let this rule your life anymore. Forgive yourself and move on while refusing to ruminate over it. That's what you need to do. It can be done but before you let it go you have to want to let it go.

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You guys are amazing when I'm feeling at the lowest point.

 

Thank you - I know your repeating things I deep down know.

Even know after having a lovely day I still will feel that feeling in my stomach when I think about being a killer. When I think ok I never have had unprotected sex but I uses to mess around and remember wet patch on my jeans which would easily have transferred when I went to the loo and fell pregnant, I remember feeling like I did see a faint positive line on a test, that I can't ignore 

 

 

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