OCD Polluting Moments that Should Not Be Polluted

[NoahsArk]

Hello. Lately I've been pretty busy with work and don't have much time to go out on dates and to do other personal things. Yesterday, though, I went out to eat with a girl who I met over the summer and had met with about three times since.

It's been a common theme for me that sometimes I get stuck thinking what my ex might do to me if she finds out I was with someone else. Unfortunately there are elements of truth in my obsession because she has acted out on me in the past during fits of anger and jealousy. We still live together as friends, so she has plenty of opportunities to do something rather nasty if she decides to. However, I don't plan to stop going out on dates just to make sure my ex doesn't take revenge.

Yesterday while we were at the table my friend said something to me and all of a sudden the OCD hit me with a rush of anxiety. The girl could see in my eyes that I was no longer present and asked me if I was ok. The trigger of OCD started a vicious cycle: first came the obsession, then came the realization that my friend is noticing that something is wrong which brought even more anxiety and made me feel helpless and stuck. I felt like this moment, which should be a great moment since I'm sitting with a girl who I really like and wanted to see for a while, is being polluted by OCD and also perhaps by some legitimate fear as well, which was very frustrating. So I wanted to ask 1) How to deal with this cycle and still be able to go out and have a reasonable time and 2) assuming that part of my fear is justified, can even realistic fears be overcome using the same methods used to overcome OCD?

[paradoxer]

Your OCD is upping the ante. For that reason you have to deal with it for what it is - OCD. Re the gal noticing your discomfort - you just have to move forward and tough it out. On a non OCD subject - living with your ex might not be the best situation long-term. Any reason for it, difficult to let go, economics? 

[NoahsArk]

Thank you paradoxer. About your question, yes: both reasons that you mentioned are true in my case.

Regarding the OCD aspects of it, today I was thinking of a possible solution, which is in part influenced by things I've read about OCD: I told myself that if it happens again, while I can't prevent the thoughts, I can tell myself "its not my fault that I'm having these thoughts, and that I'm not going to blame myself for it. If the gal notices something off about me, so be it- just because I have OCD does not make me bad." Does that approach makes sense, and is there anything else I can to myself in those moments? 

[AttemptingToHeal]

I'd also suggest breathing more slowly, and perhaps subtly holding your breath. More carbon dioxide in the blood and slower breathing help reduce panic. I appreciate this may be difficult to achieve while sat talking to a girl, trying to look cool. ;)

You could of course purposefully redirect your focus towards her instead of going in to your mind. You'd enjoy the experience of being there, and also she might notice you were really paying attention to her, which I think she'd interpret as a good thing.

B*tches love it when you pay attention.*

*That last thing was a joke, before anyone jumps on me!

[snowbear]

Seems to me you have two problems.

1. Telling yourself the risk of revenge from your ex is 'a legitimate fear' gives the intrusive thoughts an importance that ensures they will intrude at the most inopportune moments. You need to deal with the 'legitimate' bit of the fear on a practical level and then you can safely dismiss any further thoughts as nonsense. 

2. Women you date aren't going to be impressed if your eyes glaze over while you ruminate. They expect (and deserve) you to be fully present in the moment you're sharing with them.

Why don't you look into mindfulness? It teaches you to bring wandering thoughts gently back to the present, and works well at stopping intrusive OCD thoughts from taking over too. 

7 hours ago, NoahsArk said:

I told myself that if it happens again, while I can't prevent the thoughts, I can tell myself "its not my fault that I'm having these thoughts, and that I'm not going to blame myself for it. If the gal notices something off about me, so be it- just because I have OCD does not make me bad." Does that approach makes sense, and is there anything else I can to myself in those moments? 

Perhaps I've misunderstood you, but I can't see how telling yourself it's ok to be a bit off (that it's ok if she notices because you're not bad) helps.  

If she notices something off, would it not be better to simply apologise for letting your thoughts wander and bring yourself back to the moment with a smile and an attentive gaze?

Focusing on someone else, (listening closely to what they're saying, paying attention to how they're feeling) is an excellent way of stopping intrusive thoughts in their tracks. If you want a 'mantra' to tell yourself, make it something that gets you out of focusing on the OCD, not something that effectively just condones the OCD being present. 'Get out of your own head and listen to the other person' is a good reminder to tell yourself if you find your thoughts drifting to OCD worries during a conversation.  

[NoahsArk]

Thank you Snowbear and Attempting for the practical advice.

About a month ago I got a book on acceptance and commitment therapy ("ACT"). I should start reviewing it again to see if any of the advice from it applies here.

Attempting- lol about the paying attention part. I would much rather have been paying attention to her than thinking about what I was thinking. It feels good when I can pay attention to the person I'm with, and debilitating when I can't. It's kind of like being in the desert with a cool glass of water right in front of you, and its wanting you to drink from it, but you can't!

[snowbear]

That's why I suggested mindfulness training. It improves your ability to focus and takes away the power the thoughts have to make you feel you can't overcome them.