Touching OCD

[hey]

I've already posted about this, on another forum, but this has been going on for approx. 7 months now and I can't keep living like this>

Hi, so I really need someone's help. 

Recently I was terrified at the thought of potentially being sexually molested as a child and not remembering it.

I had a full on panic attack and broke down to my boyfriend about it.

But since then, I now obsess about him touching me in any non-consensual sexual way. I will go over and over in my mind the past times he has touched me to work out if I actually wanted him to, or if he crossed a line in some way.

Things have been really tense with us recently and it's like I'm in constant defence mode, perceiving everything as threatening, and I can't stand the thought of feeling out of control.

He's really playful and touchy, which just confuses me more, but it's gotten to the point were I'm avoiding him completely and have forbidden him from touching me at all.

I watched a video that said a way to overcome OCD is to expose yourself to the fear and then do the opposite of what the OCD tells you to do. So ERP.

But how would I go about doing that in my situation? Just let him touch me whenever he wanted, wouldn't that actually be sexual assault? How do I know in the moment if the anxiety I feel is just the OCD, or because I genuinely don't want him to touch me?

I know I do actually want him to touch me and for me to touch him, but I'm so scared of my existing intrusive thoughts, and about getting re-triggered. 

I love my boyfriend and this cannot ruin our relationship. Any advice I'd be so grateful. Thanks. 

[PolarBear]

Hi hey and welcome to the forum.

Have you been diagnosed with OCD? There are certainly some OCD-ish things going on with your story. I'm just wondering if you've been diagnosed with it.

No, him touching you whenever he wants is not sexual assault. I think deep down you probably know that. The thing is, OCD is telling you its sexual assault and you're going along with that notion by doing compulsions, primarily avoiding contact with your boyfriend. That only makes things worse, cementing the problem in your head where it grows and grows.

ERP itself is not recommended for the treatment of OCD. It's part of a package of therapies called CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). That's what you need to tackle this. And yes, for the ERP component, you'd have to let him touch you, at least a lot more than he's doing right now. That's the exposure. For the Response Prevention side you would do all you could to not do any compulsions.

[hey]

Hi thanks soooo much for replying. 

I went for an assessment with a 'Senior Mental Health Practitioner' (I thought he was a psychiatrist) with the NHS back in September 2016 to try and get some help, I haven't received any. In the letter I got back from the assessment it said I was "presenting with symptoms of OCD". There are other obsessions, other compulsions, I have but this is what I'd consider the main one right now. 

It's not just my boyfriend I have the touching problem with. It's my family and it used to be with anyone. I used to walk outside and be so scared of someone touching me even accidentally, if I passed someone I'd think 'did they just touch me?', even if it was impossible. My mind does still try and trick me, I ask my family for reassurance that they haven't touched me, like I said even when it's physically impossible. I used to feel like people were touching me even if they weren't, one time a stranger just looked at me and I felt violated. It got me onto compulsively checking under my bed and in the corners of my bathroom -etc every time I would leave or enter the room (just in case someone was hiding there that was going to touch me). I'd do it in a system, and multiple times. I'm trying to break this currently. I haven't checked under my bed in a few days, and if I said that to someone else they would probably think I was insane and it's no big deal, but it is to me. 

Edited January 28, 2017 by hey

[PolarBear]

You've eventually got to get to the core of what's going on. What's the problem with people touching you? That seems to be the core of your problem. Work on that and maybe you can see that there is no problem with people touching you.

Stopping those compulsions is also something you need to do.

[legalseagull]

Ok, to be clear - if you don't want your boyfriend to touch you and you tell him to stop and he carries on, then that is a sexual assault.

You're worried that OCD is making you think you've been sexually assaulted. The answer isn't to avoid all touching and it also isn't  to let your boyfriend touch you whenever he wants. He can touch you when you want to be touched. You'll know in the moment how you really feel.

The problem is that you keep going over past events in your mind.  Ruminating never solved anything. Treat it like any OCD - don't push the thought away and don't analyse it either. Just recognise it as OCD and let it wash into your mind and wash out again. Pretend you're not bothered by your thoughts and over time they will lose their grip on you.

[paradoxer]

9 hours ago, legalseagull said:

Ok, to be clear - if you don't want your boyfriend to touch you and you tell him to stop and he carries on, then that is a sexual assault.

You're worried that OCD is making you think you've been sexually assaulted. The answer isn't to avoid all touching and it also isn't  to let your boyfriend touch you whenever he wants. He can touch you when you want to be touched. You'll know in the moment how you really feel.

The problem is that you keep going over past events in your mind.  Ruminating never solved anything. Treat it like any OCD - don't push the thought away and don't analyse it either. Just recognise it as OCD and let it wash into your mind and wash out again. Pretend you're not bothered by your thoughts and over time they will lose their grip on you.

I think you might just be muddying the waters here. The OP, if one reads between the lines, doesn't really seem to believe that assault is the case. The OP also refers to similar concerns with her own family. A general admonition about sexual asaullt might be misplaced, and less than helpful.. 

[legalseagull]

Just wanted to be clear. Since Polarbear said 'him touching you whenever he wants is not sexual assault'. I was clarifying matters. I then went on to give advice relating to the OCD as I'm aware it's an OCD issue, not a sexual assault issue.

[hey]

Ok now I am confused, but thanks everyone for your help. My boyfriend states categorically that's he's never sexually assaulted me or done anything wrong in that regard, and me consistently telling him he might have done something wrong or accusing him of touching me inappropriately is understandably horrible and wearing for him.  Considering this didn't used to be a problem between us until about 7 months ago and began when I had that intrusive thought about potentially being molested when I was younger and not remembering it, I think indicates that this isn't an issue of assault it's an OCD issue. I know my boyfriend would never force himself on me, I know that, but it's all the other aspects of intimacy. I'll think things like: "how did he know if I actually wanted him to do that? Do I want him to do that? What if I say stop and he doesn't? What if he doesn't stop exactly straight away? What if he does something, I don't like it and tell him to stop, was that assault? What if he grabs me inappropriately in public?" etc etc. I don't want to feel like there's no way out of this 

[PolarBear]

The fact that you are thinking of all those questions, and the possible answers, points to OCD being the problem. So far you haven't pointed out one instance where he did something inappropriate. You're stuck on what if questions.