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Feeling rather ridiculous, truth be told.


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Hi all

Just wanted to check in tonight to talk about some stuff. I've just had a gentle reprimand from a friend who's told me I need to stick with the anti-depressants as I'm not a hundred percent and I need to treat my anxiety and depression like any other chronic illness. I'm much better than I was, but I'm not feeling good about myself and it's worse on days off; I am trying to keep busy but I get very lonely and none of my usual activities bring me a lot of joy (and I'm even questioning what I can and can't do there, in accordance to my religion because I don't know what feels right and what feels wrong and spend a lot of time mulling it over, rather than just living).

I've been reading the book Manage Your Mind (a Godsend for bad days) and there's a whole section on worrying which I found really helped. I've been having trouble sleeping lately because I was terrified of bad thoughts, but I think I'm past that now. I just feel kind of sad and I feel too different from everyone else. One thing I read in the book was the constant need for reassurance when you're worrying all the time and I realised that's me to the ground; I'm always wanting reassurance that I'm doing the right thing, that there's nothing wrong with me or the way I'm being. I want to know that I'm okay and what I'm doing is okay and I feel bad about that now. Every little thing I do that I feel is wrong, I feel so guilty about and I know we're all human and we all make mistakes, but it's hard to shake these things off. It's like I need constant reassurance on a drip and I hate being like that. That's no way to be.

The best way to explain how I'm feeling is thus: nothing I do feels entirely 'right' and although I'm working on being in the moment, I just wish I could let myself be and let go. I'm really tired all the time and I push myself and I never know when enough is enough. I can't just do my best; it's like my head's telling me I've got to be better than that, but what more can I do? I just don't feel mentally 'all present and correct' and I can sense a problem and I think anyone who speaks to me can feel my indecision, my lack of confidence coming through because I can't focus and be present. I just don't know how to explain it and I feel I come across as a bit ridiculous and as someone who can't make up her mind and keeps making excuses.

I'm going to go and make my lunch for the morning and go to bed; I need sleep.

C x

 

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You write really well.  I feel like your post put into words how I often feel but can't quite find the language.  I've always struggled with a constant guilty feeling that everything I do is wrong, I think a lot of it is due to my need for certainty and inability to accept that morality is not black and white.  

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Guest ashipinharbor
6 minutes ago, Wren said:

You write really well.  I feel like your post put into words how I often feel but can't quite find the language.  I've always struggled with a constant guilty feeling that everything I do is wrong, I think a lot of it is due to my need for certainty and inability to accept that morality is not black and white.  

Same here. You put my feelings into words, and quite well. I'm sorry you're struggling.

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It's always good to know that I write my feelings well - wahey, I'm a writer! :clap:  That always makes me oddly happy.

It's an odd mindset, I know. I've had OCD for a very long time now and I just returned to Citalopram. I'm pretty indecisive at the moment; I can't make a single choice about my life and what to do - this ranges from daytime activities to the bigger questions. Like you Wren, I feel guilty a lot of the time. I don't feel myself and feel my life is in limbo.

The main problem, right now, is trying to help myself feel better. I have friends, I'm pretty outgoing, I have activities outside work, I work hard; but I cannot relax myself. I used to like having time to myself but whenever I'm not at work, I feel adrift and experience what I can only call 'cabin fever' - I want to 'escape.' I'm only in this part of the country for the job and my head hurts and I feel so far away. I get so tired enclosed within these four walls but can't always go out because I don't have the energy or the money. I try to but it feels like I'm looking for something I cannot find. I always leap at the chance to go home to see my Dad. I think part of me kind of hates this city and feels trapped here, despite the people I've met.

I just feel a bit alarmed by all this. It's all OCD and I do try and carry on but it's hard to find my joy. I'm working on a lack of rigidity for myself but I feel so alone in this world sometimes and worry that I'll go to hell after I die; I feel I can't be forgiven.

 I'm going to watch Sherlock for a bit and gaze at Benedict Cumberbatch in his beautiful Victorian garb.:;

C x

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