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Wish I never went


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I just got back home from my appointment with the psychiatrist. I do have OCD (and depression) but what the doctor said really upset me. She asked me what took me so long to see someone and I said I had avoided coming because I didn't want to be misunderstood or thought of as crazy. She said it was good that I came in because OCD can be dangerous because of the compulsive part of it.  I  confided in her about some of the sexual thoughts. First she said that a person could have a thought for years and years and never act on it. Then she basically implied that I (or any person with OCD) could act on sexual thought to get relief from anxiety and then feel bad about it afterwards. I basically shut down after that. It felt like all the air was sucked out of the room I felt so sick. I rambled on about how I don't want to do these things. I mentioned how everything I read had said the thoughts were meaningless (a person isn't going to act on their worst fears). I said the thoughts went against my morals and I mentioned how one of the things that really comforted me was that people with these thoughts never act on them. She said, "Well, I never say never" and sent me on my way. I don't think she even realized how bad she made feel. She also said I could get talk therapy. I cried all the way home.

Edited by aangel232
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Guest ashipinharbor

I am so sorry about your experience. A lot of mental health professionals misunderstand OCD. Never mind her callous bedside manner.

If I was you, I'd look for a different psychiatrist.

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Sounds like a perfectly bonehead thing to say.

A person who has intrusive thoughts about sexual abusing children is NOT going to sexually abuse children. That person may (and I stress 'may') do something like touch a child to see if it feels sexual, which would be a checking compulsion. But that is a far cry from actually doing what the intrusive thoughts were about.

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I don't know. I guess I'm feeling better. When she said those things I kept wondering  if I was hearing her wrong. I think at some point I started to zone out.  It was so surreal. She was so offhanded about it (and I thought if this was true shouldn't I be locked up somewhere? It didn't make any sense to me). It was so hard me for me to make this appointment. There were days where I would cry at just the thought of making an appointment.   I just wanted some compassion. I didn't notice at the time but she was really pushy when I was trying to explain the thoughts to her. I couldn't remember every thought.  It felt like I was blanking at certain parts. I wanted to start with some of the easier thoughts but she like "I need to know what kind of thoughts you're having!" It was kind of demanding.  I just wanted to know that I'm a safe person to be around. On the plus side I was so distraught that ended spilling my guts to my mother. She knew something was wrong even before I started crying. She's reading stuff about OCD and she told me not to listen to that psychiatrist. I'm glad I didn't see her last April when I was first referred. I was in such a bad place. It would have probably push me over the edge.

Edited by aangel232
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Guest ashipinharbor
2 minutes ago, aangel232 said:

On the plus side I was so distraught that ended spilling my guts to my mother. She knew something was wrong even before I started crying. She's reading stuff about OCD and she told me not to listen to that psychiatrist.

This is good! You have family support, and she's telling you to switch out as well. This makes me happy to hear.

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First off,aangel1232, let me commiserate with you on what sounds like a difficult appointment, particularly after you found the courage to finally seek help. :hug: 

1 hour ago, aangel232 said:

 I just wanted some compassion.  

Wanting compassion is understandable, we all need some of that. 

Quote

I just wanted to know that I'm a safe person to be around. 

Unfortunately you went to the appointment hoping for, perhaps even expecting, reassurance. The psychiatrist will know that giving this kind of reassurance won't stop your OCD thoughts, or the endless doubting questions. So, unsurprisingly, she didn't reassure you in the way you wanted. 

1 hour ago, aangel232 said:

She was so offhanded about it

It's unlikely she gave much thought to you interpreting her words in the context of thoughts such as 'is she saying I'm a risk?!!' Which is probably why she seemed offhand about it - because to her it wasn't anything special or worrying. Certainly nothing like the big deal it was in your mind.

1 hour ago, aangel232 said:

she was really pushy when I was trying to explain the thoughts to her. I couldn't remember every thought.  It felt like I was blanking at certain parts. I wanted to start with some of the easier thoughts but she like "I need to know what kind of thoughts you're having!" It was kind of demanding.

Something many people don't realise is cutting you off sharply and demanding a straight answer is a recognised interview technique designed to help you to get your thoughts back on track when they are wandering, when you're blanking out, or if you've got bogged down in describing the detail of your obsessions and it's preventing you from seeing the broader picture. It's not usually brusqueness or unpleasantness (though it is understandably often interpreted that way by the patient.) 

The good news is you've opened up to your mum and are getting some much needed support and compassion there. :) The other bit of good news is the psychiatrist said you could have 'talk therapy'. Psychiatrists don't do a lot of CBT themselves, their job is mainly to diagnose and prescribe. So as soon as you can do take up this offer of CBT. ( Do check it is CBT, not 'counselling'.) Hopefully the CBT therapist will be prepared to allow you a little more time to disclose your thoughts in your own way and will help you with the thoughts (also without reassurance :; ) 

You've been brave in seeking help and the first hurdle is out of the way. Put any negative aspects of today behind you. Chin up, concentrate on the positives and keep going with this journey to recovery you've started. 

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Still feel like ****. I'm trying to ignore it. But I keep getting intrusive thoughts about the appointment. I keep wondering if I was being too sensitive or if  I heard wrong. But it really sounded like she said that the compulsive part of OCD is dangerous because it causes people to act out. Basically, I remember her saying "You could do (insert awful disgusting thing) (she even used my younger sister as an example :( ) to gain relief from anxiety and then feel guilty about it.  But people with the fear of harming don't have compulsions where actually they hurt others. Why would anyone with a fear of hurting others get relief from hurting other? It doesn't make any sense. I've heard of people obsessing about, “What if my mind is never at peace until I act on my thoughts” (it's awful and creates more doubt) but it's still OCD play its tricks. I told myself I deserved help (six years of suffering in silence) and it doesn't feel like I got it. I'm so disappointed.

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This has obviously struck a nerve with you. Could it be that you are one of the many sufferers who fear you will act on your thoughts? And now, whatever it was you were told, you took it as confirmation that some people do act out on their intrusive thoughts and that has you worried that it could happen to you? It's something you should maybe explore. You can always ask your therapist for clarification next session, stating, "I heard that sufferers do not act out on their compulsions but last time you made me believe they do." See what he/she says. In the mean time, ask yourself why this struck a nerve with you. I think you'll find it's because it's a core problem of yours.

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Yeah, well I told her I wanted to make sure I'm that safe person be around. I was tired of worrying about whether or not I actually had OCD. Then I mentioned how everything I had read about OCD called the thoughts ego-dystonic and what was comforting to me was knowing that people never act on these thoughts. She said, "Well, I never say never" and the appointment was pretty much over after that. The only treatment she mentioned was talk therapy and that would be with another therapist. She said I would only see her again if I wanted to go on medication.

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Well, what I would do is dismiss her and her comment. You know there is a wealth of information out there that states OCD sufferers do not do what their intrusive thoughts are about. I mean, some people come close, sort of, but people with murderous intrusive thoughts don't go out and murder people. People with pedophile thoughts do not go out and rape children. It just doesn't happen. Move forward and hope the therapy you're going to receive is CBT and not just talk therapy.

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