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Does anyone have any experience of OCD along with being a victim of Domestic Abuse (mainly emotional abuse)?


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I'm struggling badly and I don't know where to turn anymore.

My particular 'flavour' of OCD revolves around me thinking I have done something wrong (mainly cheating and falling pregnant by someone else and/or by the toilet seat - despite this being my worst fear and never finding any evidence). I have battled this for years and my ex husband used my OCD against me (one of many abusive tactics he used on my in over 20 years)- telling my kids my thoughts and therefore me defending myself as if I am guilty and need to prove myself incase the kids believed the thoughts, thought their whole life was a lie  etc and basically catastrophising massively.

Fast forward to now, I left my abuser towards the end of 2014. I have a new partner and we have a baby together. The OCD thoughts are the same as they always was (mainly if I have a glass or two of wine at home, thinking I may have cheated with my partners oldest son and forgot etc). I am trying hard not to ruminate but the problem is the thoughts are there, all the time, not moving and causing depression as well as anxiety.

My partner knows my thoughts, tries hard not to reassure me (one of my compulsions) but I find myself 'confessing' when the thoughts strike and in turn this feels like confessing the thought is the same as doing it. It feels like I don't deserve to be happy.

2 of my eldest sons from my abusive marriage have turned against me and are treating me how their father did. Telling me not to call them my son, telling me I wont see my grandchildren and other really horrible things. If I have done nothing wrong why have so much hatred and feel so much pain.

I am at my wits end, emotionally I cant do this anymore. I cant remember feeling this low, ever. 

I even told my partner we should have a DNA test (god the anxiety typing this is through the roof) so it cant be used against me and stop the thoughts as I am scared to get close to my baby girl incase she turns against me as well. 

I'm not thinking straight and I cant go through this for much longer.

Even typing this on here for everyone to see makes me feel judged and like I am a bad person. 

My eldest sons demand that I apologise for 'causing all the sh**'. When I ask what I am apologising for, they wont tell me. Their father buys their love with money and is very manipulative. My ex told me twice he had cancer, I came back from refuge because of this. His emotional abuse has affected my judgement and belief in myself.


Throughout all of this I always told me boys I loved them, really believe that I showed them love and supported them always yet this has happened. Surely that says stuff about me as a person?

Sorry, I'm not sure what I am expecting from this, perhaps someone has some idea of where I can get some help as I cant imagine living my life feeling like this forever. 

I was diagnosed with OCD when pregnant with my 3rd son (back in 2001) but have had it for as long as I remember. I have had HIV fears, hit and run ocd, fearing I had committed crimes and forgotten but this one feels like the worst for me and has been present for all of my pregnancies!

I keep thinking because it is still there despite loads of CBT and I am on medication then maybe it is not OCD at all and it is me.

Arrrggghhhhh. Cant stop panicking :'(

Sorry x

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I dont have much in the way of help, but I had to reply as my son (with OCD) is in an abusive relationship now.  Whatever happens he is told, it was caused by his OCD and he made her do it, never a sorry.  I really think its low self-esteem as he too has had CBT.  He believes he doesn't deserve  anything better.  You can imagine how I feel about that.

How about looking at your local authority evening classes for confidence and self-esteem?  If you can feel better about yourself  I think you will be able to deal with your family.

My son is a lovely person and Im sure you are too.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise :) 

 

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