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My Gran who lives with me is dying and my OCD is a big problem


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Hello,

My Gran who has vascular dementia is dying downstairs in our converted dining room, the doctor came a while ago and gave her diamorphine to help her to die and now I feel really odd and it's affecting my OCD. I have been holding her hand for the last little while but she is now asleep.

For about three years I provided care for my Gran (this ranged from helping her to choose clothes/get dressed and preparing food for her on a good day, to cleaning up toilet issues, being kicked by her and stopping her from trying to knock the front door down in rage or from drinking persil on a bad day. For the past 18 months my parents have fully taken over her care and I have been resentful of her for taking up their time and have inwardly (and sometimes to my parents) blamed her for being one of the reasons my life has really broken down over the past five plus years.

I was particularly important to her and I knew it and yet I haven't even been kind to her for the past 18 months because I have been so fed up with the level of nursing care that my parents have been providing her with (they have been becoming ill themselves caring for her), traumatized by the angry/aggressive/disruptive behaviours she had shown for the 2 years prior to this period and the way that her illness has limited our family life over the past ten years (we have had no respite since she moved in 10 years ago).

Now I know I am going to be left with immense guilt and sadness and that my Mum is upset with me and my brother..

I am also thinking too much about death, which as my OCD/situation has ruined my life (I'm now in my late twenties, living with my family, behaving like a teenager, too socially anxious to have a hair cut or wave at the neighbours, jobless, friendless and hopeless-- a few years ago I was at a prestigious uni, I had friends, prospects and hope).

It's also really odd because in some ways I have been behaving as though my Gran is already dead by having little to do with her when she would have liked me to be kind to her and yet the idea that she will really die and we will have her slippers in the house tomorrow but not her is incredibly odd.

I know that for many people the death of grandparents is not a major issue but my Gran has been on every family holiday, at every Christmas, birthday and significant event throughout my life and lived next to our house for 8 years and in it for 10.

I am worried that I am a sociopath because I did sometimes and often more recently completely blank my Gran. It's very difficult to explain how hard the situation with her dementia has been but I know I could have been kinder.

I'm sure not many people can relate to this oddly specific situation but it is affecting my OCD and I needed to write. Sorry!

 

Edited by BelAnna
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Re your lack of 'kindness' - I'd say cut yourself some slack. Dealing with someone with dementia - you point out having also to deal with rage, is bloody difficult and bound to try patience and tolerance. As for worrying about being a sociopath - isn't that a bit of an oxymoron :wink:? Take care. and be kind to yourself. 

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16 hours ago, BelAnna said:

(I'm now in my late twenties, living with my family, behaving like a teenager, too socially anxious to have a hair cut or wave at the neighbours, jobless, friendless and hopeless-- a few years ago I was at a prestigious uni, I had friends, prospects and hope).

 

Hi,

I was in a very similar situation... my Nan has been gone a few years now RIP.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

*big hug*

 

 

 

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14 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Re your lack of 'kindness' - I'd say cut yourself some slack. Dealing with someone with dementia - you point out having also to deal with rage, is bloody difficult and bound to try patience and tolerance. As for worrying about being a sociopath - isn't that a bit of an oxymoron :wink:? Take care. and be kind to yourself. 

 

3 hours ago, daja said:

Hi,

I was in a very similar situation... my Nan has been gone a few years now RIP.

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

*big hug*

 

 

 

Thanks Paradoxer and Daja- my Gran died at midday holding my hand. xx

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I'm really so very sorry to hear about your Gran :hug:  

It's so very difficult when someone has dementia, it would take a Saint not to be irritated, angry, short-tempered, resentful, and a thousand other adjectives.....so don't beat yourself up about this....and in your case, beware of your OCD inflating the very natural guilt-feelings anyone would have and blowing them out of all proportion.

You clearly loved your Gran, especially the Gran you had known and who had shared most of your life.  With time you can start to remember "That Gran" again and feel justified relief that her suffering has ended.  She was lucky to have a loving and supportive family....and that includes you :)

Thinking of you and sending you my every good wish.....you take care of you

 

 

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On ‎24‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 10:00, paradoxer said:

Re your lack of 'kindness' - I'd say cut yourself some slack. Dealing with someone with dementia - you point out having also to deal with rage, is bloody difficult and bound to try patience and tolerance. As for worrying about being a sociopath - isn't that a bit of an oxymoron :wink:? Take care. and be kind to yourself. 

 

47 minutes ago, Wonderer said:

Sorry for ur loss belAnna xxx

 

On ‎25‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 15:35, daja said:

bless you. x

 

On ‎25‎/‎02‎/‎2017 at 01:04, Caramoole said:

I'm really so very sorry to hear about your Gran :hug:  

It's so very difficult when someone has dementia, it would take a Saint not to be irritated, angry, short-tempered, resentful, and a thousand other adjectives.....so don't beat yourself up about this....and in your case, beware of your OCD inflating the very natural guilt-feelings anyone would have and blowing them out of all proportion.

You clearly loved your Gran, especially the Gran you had known and who had shared most of your life.  With time you can start to remember "That Gran" again and feel justified relief that her suffering has ended.  She was lucky to have a loving and supportive family....and that includes you :)

Thinking of you and sending you my every good wish.....you take care of you

 

 

Thank you Caramoole, Daja, Paradoxer and Wonderer- she was surrounded by family and loved. x

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