just looking for help and advice please.

[hazydaze]

Hello everyone. 

I've been trying to deal with this on my own. Dealt with quite a few on my own the last few days but it's proving pretty challenging so just looking for a little help. xo

I'll try to keep this short. My friends instagram account got hacked this morning and there was crazy porn on it. I was telling my boyfriend about this and was just saying something like "yeah, gross, turn on instagram and there's some chick performing a sexual act but before I said those last 3 words I hesitated because my niece was upstairs and I didn't know if she would hear me, but then I went ahead and said it anyways. That was many hours ago and as anyone reading this can probably guess, I've ruminated almost non-stop since it happened, wondering why I would say that semi-graphic thing when I was aware that my niece could maybe hear me. I know it's kind of stupid in hindsight because not only could my 3 year old niece very well not have heard, but she would have had no idea what it meant. No harm done. But I keep wondering since I thought it was bad and hesitated to say it, why did I go ahead and say it. What does that mean. I'm almost convinced it was for some creepy disgusting sexual gratification, knowing my niece could hear me say that. Like that was somehow some sick game or something, hoping she would hear me. Which part of me is like, are you serious that's insane. But when I think of that being the "truth" it feels like that's what was really going on, and it freaks me right out. 

So yeah. Been going about my day pretty normally but been constantly ruminating in my head. And trying to see if it's ocd or not. Or if that's the truth (that I wanted her to hear out of some sick pleasure) and I'm just in denial. 

Quite frankly part of me really feels like I'm lying by writing on here, and my words are just lies. Like I'm just trying to convince myself it's ocd. I don't even know if I should have came on the forum for this. I'm pretty horrified. I don't even know. I'm so scared it's true and I'm in denial. 

I hate this. All I want is a normal day. 

As always, thanks so much in advance.

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, hazydaze said:

But I keep wondering since I thought it was bad and hesitated to say it, why did I go ahead and say it. What does that mean.

It means you're ruminating instead of chucking an unimportant moment in the bin and getting on with your life.  

So you went ahead and said it, so what? There doesn't have to be a world-stopping reason to everything you say or do.

Maybe your mouth was in gear and you couldn't put the brakes on in time. Maybe you were just being perverse. Maybe you knew at the time it didn't matter and it's only because you've allowed yourself to ruminate on it after the event that it seems important. Maybe you were having a legitimate adult conversation and the presence of your niece was irrelevant all along. 

Bin it. 

[paradoxer]

hazydaze, wishing you the best, but it sounds like you're angling for reassurance. 

Edited February 26, 2017 by paradoxer
typo

[Guest ashipinharbor]

12 hours ago, hazydaze said:

I know it's kind of stupid in hindsight because not only could my 3 year old niece very well not have heard, but she would have had no idea what it meant.

Maybe that's why you said it, anyway. Since she would've had no idea what you said.