OCD and 'playing the victim.'

[Cub]

Hello everyone

Up this early because wouldn't you know it, I've gone down with a touch of the flu after coming home to see Dad. Woken up hot and bothered at five in the morning, so I don't know if this is going to sound very eloquent.

I don't know where else to go with this; it's something I looked up out of curiousity (I know, I know; looking things up is bad, unless of course it's Benedict Cumberbatch photos :P) - and I'm not expecting reassurance that this hasn't been what I'm doing. I'm not saying everyone does this, certainly not; this is just me reflecting on personal experience.

But I've been thinking: maybe I've been playing the victim a bit with my anxious nature? The reason I ask is I don't let myself be assertive at work for fear I'll come off as cocky or it will be unfounded and I spend a lot of time wallowing in the fact that I'm not in with the in-crowd at work and wondering why. I know it's silly, but I think the answer speaks for itself; I lost confidence hanging out with some of my colleagues as I felt I couldn't contribute without sounding too eager or annoying, like 'one voice too far' (I still feel like that now) and have cried at social events more than once because I felt like I wasn't there and nobody cared. Someone has always come after me and I've been comforted but now I feel so guilty for being that girl. No wonder I'm not asked out more to the girls' trips or to this and that - I think only a few of the girls like me whereas some of the others are a bit fed up with me. But part of me has always been anxious at work and since my OCD last year left me in a bad way, it's been nice to know that people know when I'm feeling bad and offer their help - which makes me worry even more that I like it. And now and then I imagine scenarios; what would happen if I had committed suicide last year, for example and would they all mourn me?

I know, I know. I think the death of my mother has given me a sense of inner-martyrdom and I feel a dash of 'Look at me and how brave I'm being' which is heightened after someone compliments me for dealing with it. There's also the fact that I'm just never happy these days; I was very harsh on myself during the early days of the job and perhaps people are sick of my constant negativity. I'm trying to replace my constant 'sorrys' with 'thankyous' and change my perspective. But I feel like I always need help with everything and this makes me feel stupid.

I wonder; do I 'get off' on being the anxious, unassertive one and wallowing in self-pity? I'm told to trust my judgement and trust myself but I don't and I haven't. As a kid, I went through a stage where I used to deliberately bother these boys in my class so they would get back at me and I would get attention from the dinner-ladies. These days, it fills me with guilt because I wonder if I contributed to their futures and if their lives are bad, is it my fault in some way for what I did, causing them to lose a confidence with the teachers?

If this is me, I don't want to be this way but it feels like I have been, a little bit at the very least. I am trying to stay positive, take an interest in other people's lives and just get the heck on with it. I don't want to go around thinking the whole world revolves around me and I want to help people and get out of my head. Sure, I'm a very imaginative person, but I feel I'm wasting time by wallowing and seeing the world through self-pitying glasses; as though it's become something of a hobby, which is horrifying. It's true, I don't feel I fit in with the clique at work, but as my brother once told me, I don't have to and life's too short to worry about things like that. I want to keep his words in mind and just stop blooming well worrying about it. Surely there are better things I could be doing with my time.

Anyway, thanks for reading; any constructive criticism would be welcome.

C x

[taurean]

"We should lose ourselves in action else we wither in despair" 

Can't remember whose quote that is but it is really good. 

You are wallowing in self-pity because of what you think you are as against where you think you ought to be. 

But we must find ourselves and be ourselves. 

No-one else can be me. I can't be someone else. But what I can aspire to is correct some of the traits that hold me back using knowledge from behavioural therapy. 

What simple but achievable changes might you make that might make a big difference to your outlook and enjoyment of things? 

 

[Cub]

Taurean, thankyou very much for that. That's very empowering stuff. It can be difficult for me to be confident in myself because I often make mistakes and feel anxious. 

I wanted to talk about this because I feel I've been wallowing for sometime and it has to stop. I have to love myself and be myself and to heck with the things that don't make me happy. I've been very mixed up the last year or so but I'm tired of feeling tired with it all. You're right about the whole 'thinking' thing, though. Loving myself and being myself is a very freeing aspect and it's something I shouldn't forget. I'm ashamed in fact that I did.

The whole quotation about action is also valuable as I spend a lot of time thinking and not acting. It feels as though life is stalled and it has to be on the move.

Thankyou again.

C x

[taurean]

Just pick several small but achievable changes that can turn your negative bias on yourself to a more favourable view. 

That can make a huge difference. 

The love and care within you shines through - the negatives seem all OCD induced. Once you truly see that and don't respond to them, things will look better 

[paradoxer]

19 hours ago, taurean said:

"We should lose ourselves in action else we wither in despair" 

Tennyson - 'I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair.'

[taurean]

Thank you Paradoxer. I was close 

[Cub]

Woohoo, now I can use the quotation properly! Thankyou, Paradoxer.

You're very kind, Taurean. Small is a good way to start. I have a friend who recommends saying 'So what?' to things that I cannot control. Seems like a good way to start. So for example - and you'll probably roll your eyes at this - I was left feeling hurt yesterday after being left out of a Facebook tag post of most of my colleagues. I took it personally for a moment and then I realised: 'So what?' Nobody's died. I'm still standing. It's just a post. And although the thought is a little hurtful, perhaps the person just honestly forgot to add me what with so many people. And then today I went clothes-shopping.  I didn't wallow and had a nice day; lovely new tops that made me feel sassy, lunch out and chocolate cake too. So there's that. And let's be honest, wallowing is  nobody's victory (though I know ruminating is harder). You just lose, all over again, when you could be out doing your own thing.

I'm getting better at not ruminating, but it can be hard and I think all that worry locked inside can make me physically ill, like I'm holding something down. I've managed to step out of that vicious cycle by admitting my fears and so things do feel more manageable. I have OCD,  after all.

[taurean]

This is the right approach cub 

[Cub]

Ta.  I'm also trying not to apologise for how I feel so much - not to be dramatic or anything but I feel self-conscious about how I feel a lot. For example, some people can annoy me easily and if I'm having a whinge because something someone has said or done, I then feel bad for feeling annoyed at all. Especially if it's not a big deal and someone else helps me see it from a new perspective. Make any sense?

Anyway, all things worth working on.